Partner denies she has post natal depression.

[Domitianus]

My partner and I have a baby girl who is almost 14 months. My partner had a major depressive episode during pregnancy that I had to nurse her through and she has other health issues.

Our relationship has become increasingly strained over the last six to nine months and I have become aware of increasing hostility, irritability and anger from her. I have done everything I possibly can to help and to be a hand-on father but have been sniped at, criticised, attacked and subjected to all sorts of passive aggression endlessly. It has had a huge effect on my mood, especially as I took over a year off work to help her with her illness and child rearing.

A number of weeks ago she behaved really bizarrely one morning and said she was so angry with me she could hardly look at me. When I asked why the reason she gave was so utterly ridiculous that I felt I had dropped down a rabbit hole, It led to a conversation in which she admitted to having experienced feelings of enormous anger towards me for quite some time since the baby was born. She said she realised it was unfair and that I didn't deserve it and that she hated feeling this way about me. This was a major reason for her decision a few months ago that we should split up and I should find a new place to live. I was absolutely gutted as I love my partner and adore our little girl.

I tried to research the causes of her extreme anger because it was utterly unjustified and so uncharacteristic of her. I came across sites that said a less known but well recognised symptom of post natal depression is huge anger, resentment and hostility towards the partner and irritability. The descriptions of the type of anger talked about seemed to match perfectly what my partner described. When I looked more carefully I saw that there were a lot of other symptoms of PND present that I hadn't really noticed before. I am pretty sure that my partner has PND and it has torn our relationship apart. The sites I have been reading talk about this, warn it is a real danger in undiagnosed PND and that if PND is suspected no major decisions should be made - especially about relationships - until the PND is treated as the conflict in relationships is often caused by the depression rather than an underlying insoluble problem in the relationship.

I have suggested to my partner that she has PND and many symptoms but she insists that she has considered this and that she is fine and resents me suggesting she is mentally unwell. I am worried that she just cannot see clearly at the moment and I know many women develop PND and don't realise how skewed their thinking and perception is. When she has been depressed in the past her perception of the past and future has been really wonky yet she couldn't see it.

I feel utterly helpless in trying to help my partner and in trying to stabilise this situation. I don't want to lose my family and am terrified that she will look back later and regret this decision hugely.

Can anyone who has had experience of PND please give me their thoughts? Does this sound familiar to you? Did you have this type of anger or hostility towards your partner? Did it work out? Did it destroy your relationship? Did you survive it?

Any feedback gratefully received.

A suicidal person as ill as your wife was, according to your description should have been in a hospital. You are not qualified to 'nurse' anyone through major depression.

Fwiw, I have in fact dealt with a suicidal person, by making sure he was in a psychiatric ward where he could be treated, by doctors and therapists who are qualified and able to treat him, and where he could be safe 24/7 for as long as it took. But guess what? With the best will in the world, he still has serious problems.

At the heart of caring for someone who is suffering is making sure not to disempower them. Not to treat them like just a patient, or just a list of symptoms, or like a project or like something broken that needs fixing.
Amen to that.

One of the keys to treatment is empowerment and this often involves establishing a trust between medical professionals and their patient so they can effectively monitor themselves after discharge.

The only ignorance and arrogance here is that of a completely unqualified amateur who thinks he knows better than psychiatrists and GPs. Of course a layman is often the first to flag something. Of course the patient him or herself quite often doesn't see him or herself the way others do. But the idea that you can rock up to a psychiatrist's office and explain to him or her what your wife is suffering from is preposterous. You have no idea what factors a psychiatrist uses in order to come to a diagnosis. You give your account of behaviour, speech, any changes from normal, habits of sleeping and eating, and the doctor takes it from there using expertise gained from lengthy professional training and hopefully many years of experience.

In fact it is crystal clear from my OP that I came to this board specifically BECAUSE I thought there would be people here could give insight from personal experience.
And when you got it you devoted yourself to typing furious responses, featuring frequent use of caps, because what you wanted was people to tell you you are right, and that your research trumps all the medical training of the professionals your wife has consulted.

You feel left out of whatever it is that your wife is doing with the doctors and whatever other professionals she has consulted. You have even been asked to leave your home. Your fury, I suspect, arises from the fact that you no longer feel any control over the situation.

Well that blew up pretty much how I expected it to!

Your original posts worried me a bit OP, as the general tone/content could have been written by a man I very briefly dated a few years back. You are not the same person of course. But he was a definite Mr Always Right. It is normal when people describe situations to admit their own failings/praise their partner to some extent but you do come across as very black/white and this is worrying.
I agree with a previous poster that you do not accept experience that does not fit your diagnosis- I haven't found anything about anger being soley directed at a partner online. But, then again, I've got severe depression and reading is a bit tricky for me at present despite being overly educated.

I'd say that it sounds like your partner needs some space, depression or no depression. She clearly is struggling with something- if you are not in her home then she can work out for herself, with the support of her therapist and GP, whether it is your relationship or depression that is problematic, or indeed both. It will be hard of course to not be with those you love every day, but if you are willing to explore every avenue to improve the situation then logically this would be the next step. And, as you say, you've been badly treated/are under strain yourself surely you would benefit from a period apart as well.

What howarth said.

You sound intolerable.

You need to give your partner the space she isso clearly asking for.

I wonder if you are suffering from some form of anxiety yourself as you seem to need to control the situation. I suffer from anxiety and recognise alot of myself in your posts.

Give her space, forcing the issue will only push her away.

You sound like 'mr always right'

She's getting therapy and has asked you to leave. It sounds like her doctors are helping her. Are you angry because you're losing control?

Just read the thread and you still haven't said what the "absurd" thing causing your partner to be angry is, which makes me think you are dismissing her very real concerns about your relationship.
It sounds like she's not happy with your relationship, not that she has PND, and unless you can listen to her and work with her to improve things then I'm sure she will leave.
Diagnosing her then bulldozing her to accept your diagnosis isn't the answer to this.
Neither is having a go at posters who are taking the time to try to help you.

I have no experience with PND, so I can't help with that.

BUT. I cannot believe the flaming the OP is getting . I had serious mental health issues a few years ago, that my (now ex, for other reasons) DP had to nurse me through. He could have written these posts, and he is the least combative, aggressive, controlling man you could meet. I do not read the OP's posts as any of the things other posters have accused him of being. Knowing a decent, caring, rational man, who would bend over backwards to help anyone he loved, I have read these posts as the posts of a man in serious pain, who wants nothing more than to help and is trying to be as clear-headed and as rational as possible, to give as much information as he can to so he can help the mother of his child in the best possible way. He does not deserve to be jumped on by a pack of harridan's circling like a pack of vultures

OP, all I can say is, I feel your pain. I know it's hard to watch someone you love suffering, but she is talking to a therapist. These things take time, from your posts it doesn't sound like she's been in counselling for long. It may be a case of, her GP and therapist do think she might be suffering from PND, but feel that right now, bringing it up would cause her to shut down and walk away from the help she is getting.
I know it hurts to be away from your little girl, but it's something you can't dwell on. Make the most of the time you do get to spend with her, back off and allow her mother space to figure things out, and to let the counselling work. Go back to work, start focussing on you, because your little girl needs you to be the best you you can be.

What was the thing she was angry with you about?
Why has she asked you to leave?

madginger I agree that some of the comments have got out of hand in terms of rudeness.

However, I think that there are very valid reasons for posters to be concerns about OP and the replies. OP is trying to get his partner diagnosed with a mental illness based on the fact that she is angry with him, and him alone, and has asked him to leave her home Mental illnesses are not like physical illness where you can do some sort of 'test' like a blood test. They are based on subjective observational criteria. They are a diagnosis of exclusion, that all other possible causes for the behaviour- physical and social, should be ruled out before a mental illness is diagnosed.

Many of us have met people who remind us of the OP please see profile below from Lundy Bancroft

MR. RIGHT

Mr. Right considers himself the ultimate authority on every subject under the sun; you might call him Mr. Always Right. He speaks with absolute certainty, brushing your opinions aside like annoying gnats. He seems to see the world as a huge classroom, in which he is the teacher and you are his student. He finds little of value in your thoughts or insights, so he seeks to empty out your head and fill it up with his jewels of brilliance. When Mr. Right sits in one of my groups for abusive, men, he often speaks of his partner as if she were in danger from her own idiocy and he needs to save her from herself. Mr. Right has difficulty speaking to his partner—or about her—without a ring of condescension in his voice. And in a conflict his arrogance gets even worse.

Mr. Right's superiority is a convenient way for him to get what he wants. When he and his partner are arguing about their conflicting desires, he turns it into a clash between Right and Wrong or between Intelligence and Stupidity. He ridicules and discredits her perspective so that he can escape dealing with it.

Now, it is impossible to know a person based on their posts online, but the OP's posts do fit amazingly well with the description above.

FWIW it is easy to be taken in- I was taken in by the man I briefly dated who spoke/wrote like this. I was trying to find an old email- the tone/content etc is so similar, but I think I deleted them all. His ex wife was 'crazy', he'd done everything in his power to do everything right, everyone else thought she was crazy and couldn't understand why he was getting treated like that. HE was the one who was treated badly, not her.

Turns out he was DV, and ex wanted him to go on a perpetrator program (which he of course, refused), non molestation order in place, the whole shebang.

These are the MASSIVE red flags to me:

• not one positive comment about OP's partner/parenting skills. Usually with men coming on concerned about partner they usually point out the positives as well as the negatives with their partners behaviour- e.g. she is good with the child, she manages to get washed and dressed etc. Not just negative. My ex is a knob, but I can still find positive thing to say about him with regards his parenting!!
• no admission of being human/fallible. No one is perfect. OP does not put anything forward at all that is not highly praising himself or excusing his own behaviour.
• asking for help from those with experience, but then not accepting anything that does not fit into his own opinion, his own expertise.
• suggesting that his partner does not have any insight except where it might correspond with his view of how things are.

substitute 'idiocy' for mental illness/madness in the Mr Right description..

I was wondering how long it would be before someone brought out the Lundy Bancroft quotes. I'm going to go against the grain and give the OP the benefit of the doubt here, and assume he is a caring partner who is frustrated at the situation and trying to work out what to do for the best.

OP, having lived through my partner experiencing a mental breakdown I think you might need to give her some space. If you can. I get that this may be incredibly difficult when you also have a 14mo baby but is there any way you can move out temporarily, while making it clear that you're always available, always there to help and still love her?

The bottom line is that if your DP really has PND, no-one can fix her except her. It may be that the harder you try, the more the two of you get tangled up in this difficult dynamic of her anger and your desperate desire to do even more to help. I think you need to cut that knot, step back and give her space.

If it is PND, it might be that having some time without you there as a focus for her anger may help her see that her feelings are not really about you. If it is not PND and she really just is that angry with you, then you have other issues to resolve in your relationship that are probably more easily done with both of you having more space.

FWIW when DP had a breakdown, I ended up moving out for some time. It was DP's house so that was how it had to be. To be fair we did not have DC, which made it easier, but it was still tough; but I made it clear at the time that I was not leaving the relationship, just leaving the domestic situation we were in and the dynamics it seemed to have created. I didn't move back in with him for nearly 3 years in the end but during that time we worked through some issues, he recovered from his MH difficulties and we had the space to get to grips with some of the things that had caused friction before such as to leave us in that difficult situation. It was the best thing I could possibly have done for the relationship, even though it looked on the surface at the time like I was ending it.

If you can, I'd suggest you try this. Certainly your current situation doesn't sound like it can continue, and I'm afraid that even if you are right about the PND, trying to reason your DP into considering it as a factor is just going to make her angrier. She will hear it as you trying to invalidate her feelings and perspective so as to be 'right' about everything and put her on the back foot. Even if you're correct, it won't help. So step back, stay loving and helpful, and find your own space from which to work out with her the best way forward for your relationship and your baby. Good luck

But he isn't trying to get her diagnosed. He's said that her symptoms fit, that it has been commented on by friends and family alike He was asking for advice. And it's true, PND is missed in a lot of cases.

My ex also wouldn't go into details about positives, because to him they are a given and completely obvious. Not helpful, I know, but that's just the way some people are. If he didn't think she was a good mother he'd say "I worry about her being left alone with our daughter".
As to you saying that he says his partner does not have any insight except where it corresponds with his view; I was in denial that there was a problem for a very, very long time. I would concede a small point now and again that I knew I couldn't dispute, but could carry on denying the rest.

Women on these boards really are far, far too ready to jump on the "he's abusive, this is abuse" bus. Anyone would think 90% of men are toxic, controlling abusers based on this forum.

, OP

You've received some harsh responses on this thread.

To me, you sound like a man doing his very best and I truly hope things work out for your family.

I think you cannot change your partner. Even if she is in the midst of some sort of personality disordered prolonged angry mood thing, then you staying there won't help.
What will help is if you do move out, give her the space to then reflect on her moods with you not being there. Then she can't blame you for how she is feeling, can she?
If you co-operate with moving out (even on a trial basis), then both of you might find that in time, you want to be together again. But it doesn't sound like staying in the situation right as it is now will help.
Some time apart might actually help in this situation. It would help you as you say she has torn you apart basically with her supersized needs over the past couple of years.
Has it occurred to you that time away from her is actually what might do you some good?
As opposed to staying with her which possibly will do no good at all at the present time. It sounds like you have a very very unpleasant life at the moment, except for the time spent with your child.
If she was agreeable could you not have more access to your child than twice a week.

Most of what we have seen relates to a very careful and thorough analysis of your partner's possible problem. I don't think there is any diagnosis here or magic solution that you will find by further examination, analysis and research on her 'condition'. Really I don't.
You are getting verbally beaten up by her. If you both spent some time apart that might shed some light on how you both really feel about each other.

Eurgh, this thread is MN at its very worst

There is no way the OP would be getting responses like this if he was a woman. I've never seen any called 'despicable' for wondering if their husband has mental health issues.

Some posters have been disgraceful in their responses to someone who is clearly worried about their partner and child.

If her anger towards you is the only problem she has then it seems more likely she just doesn't want to be with you. I would work on getting yourself better, stronger and enjoying your time with your dc. Sorry this has happened but break ups can happen at any point in a relationship.

Hi everyone I'm new to this site and desperate for feedback , iv been prescribed sertraline ADS and I'm Petrified of taking them for the fear of them making me feel weird ( GP said to try half 25mg ) I'm constantly anxious and am desperate for some good feedback of these particular tablets. Anyone got a success story please xx

Hi sarah this is an old thread. I think you will get better responses by starting your own thread. I've not been on sertraline some ADs can make you feel a little odd initially but this tends to vary from person to person. Some people get no side effects at all. ADs have saved my life in the past and for me the benefit has always outweighed any side effects.

Old thread, but I've been through exactly the same thing. Since PND, my wife has hated me and my dog. She was really mentally unwell and I could tell as soon as we got home from the hospital something wasn't right. Self harm, delusional, and negativity. Yes, there's exhaustion, but I know how my wife behaves with that, and I know her inside and out. She was very manipulative throughout and would lie to family and friends about me, locked me out of the house, banished me and the dog to my parents; even tried telling my doctor it was me that mentally unwell. In the end, after months of trying to convince her family, health visitors and her GP that things were not good, the GP finally asked questions that showed she was not well. The suicide hotline for the NHS was useless as she was suicidal, but denied it on their phone call, and they wouldn't speak to me. It was a helpless time and I was enemy of the state, even though I was the only one trying to help her.

After being on medication, we attended couples therapy, but the negativity towards me continued. After months we finally got back to a position of happiness. This was all good until my wife came off her meds, and we are now back to square one. Don't listen to some of the morons on here. I sympathise completely and you are not alone. We've gone from discussing our second child to planning to sell the house in the space of a month. My wife cannot say a good word about me when she's in this negative spiral. I'm constantly manipulated and made to be some monster. She's very clever at covering this up and it's believable that she just maybe doesn't like me anymore, but I know that's not true. We've been together for over ten years. I know when she's not well. Good luck, and I hope you managed to resolve things.