Anxiety and ED getting out of control

[ravenia]

For the past week or so, I've been getting anxiety-induced stomach cramps and diarrhea... I know I'm not "physically" sick per se and that it's all caused by being so anxious, so I've been going into work anyway.

I have a history of colourful mental health issues (anorexia, depression, anxiety, self-harm, OCD), and have a therapist who I see every 6 weeks (going to ask to increase frequency of sessions), and a psychiatrist appointment coming up in 3 weeks' time.

I just don't know what to say and what either of them can do. Work is high-pressure and while my boss is lovely to work with, there's no denying she is demanding... I cannot switch off and am constantly worrying I've made a mistake. I'm also doing a part-time Masters (straight A student so far, but freezing when supposed to be working on my dissertation because I'm afraid it's a mess).

Oh, and I've also lost a lot of weight, I'm not eating much at the moment. Partly ED-thoughts, partly because I'm in pain. And as luck would have it my therapist is away this week.

I have no idea what a GP could do in the interim, or what my psychiatrist can do. On one hand I'm terrified he'll say I have to give up my job or quit the Masters, on the other I'm afraid he'll give me medication with horrible side-effects :(. The only good thing is he works with the same institution I work and study with, so when I tell him X, Y, Z are going on he knows what's involved.

even if the docs cant do anything book an appointment because you no what ive found even when people are trained for a specific purpose like a therapist they can be great listeners.
have you gp or anyone at the gps you like.book an appointment and just talk this through.tell them all that worrying.the worst is they cant do anything or offer you tablets.but even here they have listened you have seen a physical person and unburdened the heaviness currently getting to you.that in itself I assure you you must let yourself do.feel llighter like someone else knows and has your back.
because they will be able to listen and offer something.offer an ear.time to be listened to.a hug even!
the very act of eltting someone in and hearing thee ideas.hearing pehpas some "sain" advice when all the whizzing in your own brain is your own thoughts which aren't serving you particularly well ight now.
remember the thoughts and stresses they are just that.dont believe every one of them.like nuses they pass.the stress we feel partly relies on us believing our thoughts to be truths.when often they are a mixed up muddle of stressings that need to be allowed to let go.
don't work to hard.
and hun you need to eat.your ed will be kidding you that this "losing weight" is back pain.its getting control in anyway it can.it will manipulate.
you neeed to eat for strength.for all your trying to achieve it need looking after.and that comes via food.
try some little bits.anything you can.dont panic,dont think on it just do because your worth it and you deserve to breathe.live.laugh and be happy.
your doing amazing stuff.be proud.smile at how wonderful you ae for simply braving another day when it can be quite this tough.

Thank you kate

Definitely going to the psych appointment and thinking of going to a GP too. I'm scared to eat because I feel so ill but I know I can't face another relapse.

The weird thing is, I hold it together pretty well at work, yes I've looked sick this week but I work through it. Then I get home and just collapse, been looking at a blank screen and crying for hours. But i want to do well in this job and finish the masters.

I hate taking medication, but I'm afraid I've hit a point where I've got too much on to cope alone

Doing a bit better this week... but taking these posts along to therapist and psych appointments, because I know I need help to stay ok long-term.

Still not sleeping and constantly ruminating about work while I'm not there, but when I'm actually there I'm fine. Stayed late today to wrap things up so I can take a day off tomorrow to work on my thesis, but still have that faint anxiety-induced tummy ache. And my constant headache.

Part of this is fear of making a mistake at work and partly me being a doormat. Got a mild telling-off from boss today about learning to say no to things :(

ravenia it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I was doing a masters at one of the Russell Group universities and apparently you have up to 5 years to complete your dissertation! I've had to stop due to MH problems but have a Post Graduate Diploma certificate due to having completed enough modules, and have been advised that I can top up to MA if I do my dissertation in the next 5 years :) It's not worth making yourself ill over- work is kind of essential, MA isn't.

Thank you dangermouse

Work is my priority, the Masters is something I'm doing just in case I ever decide I need to move on from here. I work within the same university where I'm studying so I know exactly what loopholes I can use. A note from my psychiatrist would let me suspend studies for a year but I don't want to have to do that.

Work is the bigger problem, but I think it's more the way my brain works/ my personality that causes most of it. Therapy on Friday and psych next week, so we'll see how it goes.

Need to find ways to stop worrying, taking too much on and being a control freak. Boss a highly demanding perfectionist and I'm too much like her!