Thoughta of self harm

[HowTheFuckDoIDoThis]

I am battling these thoughts at the minute.
I havent self harmed for 12 years. I havent even thought about it.
The want to do it is very strong, but not letting myself down is equally as strong.

These conflicting thoughts are pushing my frustration more and more. I feel like picking myself up and leaving, but the kids make me stay.

Conflicting thoughts seem to be all i have at the minute.

I wish my mum would just come back and take me with her

Thank you for your reply. I have been redirecting, and can do great throughout the day when i have little stress no time to think.

The stress of the kids pushes me beyond breaking point, and the silence of the night causes me to think about things.

I could handle things before. I think knowing that pushes me deeper into the negative thinking, too. As i know i can handle these things, yet i have no control over what i can and cant handle at the minute.

Right now, i am feeling the negative thoughts. I havent acted on them, and i dont believe i have hit that point of acting on them.
I just dont know how far away i am from that. I never thought i would find myself back here. So it scares me not knowing if or when i will want to act on it.
Would i be able to rationalise myself as i did the other day? Would i want to go further than self harming?

I just dont know and it scares me.

I have the leaflet for bereavement counselling, but i cant call it. I hate being a burden!
I even had professionals dealing with another issue i am having (not an issue within myself), try to get me to talk about how i am feeling. It just doesnt happen in real life. I can say im not coping, or that i am struggling. I can say i am depressed, or sad, or agitated - i will rarely go any further than that and usually add on ...but i will get over it soon and be back to my best.
I dont know why as i know im blocking help!