Need to phone out of hours CPN's but I cant

[CrazyCatMum]

Promised crisis team this afternoon if I wasn't feeling safe then I would phone them but I can't use the phones, everytime I go to touch them I see all these beasties crawling out of them.
I feel sick, I dont know how to make them stop so I can phone

Is there someone you trust nearby who could make the call for you?

Can you msg someone on FB?

Do you think you could make the call if we talk you through it?

You don't need to do this alone.

Ok. Do you have a neighbour you can go to?

There isn't anyone, and even if they could make the call I couldn't answer the phone.
I've had to hide the phones.
I told the crisis team last week that I can struggle with the phone after they threatened me with the police if I didn't answer the phone to them as I was a risk
I'm not trying to be awkward but they are so real and the thought of them running up my arms makes me not be able to breath.
I have my Cpn tomorrow afternoon but I guess I just needed to see it in black and white and hope I'm not going too mad

OP, how are you doing?

hopefully the cpn will come out to you, if the police come that wont be such a bad thing, they will help you op

Why do I not just learn to keep my big mouth shut.
I tie myself in knots trying to explain what's in my head and I still get it wrong.
I feel like I've opened a whole can of worms by telling her how I felt.
Everything is out of control. If I'm struggling tonight then I have to phone someone which takes me back to the original problem of the beasties.
She says she will see me again tomorrow .
Just feel so pathetic and stupid

don't worry crazycatmum CPN will have heard it all before. Creepy crawlies seem to be a recurrent theme in MH problems. You did well to tell her how you felt

I feel like I'm drowning.
I don't know what to do anymore,
They all keep asking me how I feel and when I tell them they brush it aside how when my son comes home in a weeks time I'm going to feel so much better but in reality it doesn't change a thing.
I know everyone is trying to help but I just want them to leave me alone, I have no energy, everything hurts, I just want everything to stop

Crazy, can you tell me why the beasties are stopping you from phoning your CPN? Are you afraid of them? Do you think they are dangerous? Ask yourself if they are actually real or not, or if they are a side effect of meds/your condition. It may go somewhat toward understanding that you don't need to be afraid of these things, which can help you feel better about using the phone to call your CPN, should the need arise.

I hope you've called the CPN and had a good chat with them regarding your recent sightings. Please come back and let us know how you are doing OP. If we can help you by talking you through things, then I am happy to help when and if I can.

I hope you're OK

The beasties were crawling over the phone, when I tried to touch the phone they were crawling up my arm, the squelching noise of them. Sometimes they are on the walls, in my bed, just depends and there is no rhyme or reason as to where they will appear. Makes my skin crawl.

My Cpn seems ok, I just never seem to say enough or I say too much and it all goes wrong.

Crisis team are still involved but it feels like they don't hear what I'm saying.
It feels like they don't believe me, they keep saying the same thing 'we've been here before and you were fine so you will be this time' but this time is different, this time there was real plans, and then it all went wrong and now I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I never seem to get anything right.
Just need the world to stop for a bit because it's too busy and noisy for me

crazycatmum when the crisis team do they mean they've seen you very unwell before, you got through it, you can this time too. Confidence in your ability to get through it, with help, rather than not believing you?

This time felt very real, I've been planning this since Easter and new when my son went away I wouldn't be here when he came back.
And he's back tomorrow and I've failed.
I should feel relief that it didn't happen or that I'm going to still be here when he comes back but I don't, I'm full of regret that it's gone wrong.

I'm so tired, I feel sick all the time, everything hurts. I just wish it would be quiet in my head it makes it hurt.
When my son comes home tomorrow I will go back in my shell and hide from the world but it won't change anything in my head what I planned, just delayed it.

are you still going to get support from the crisis team when your son is back? I expect your son will be glad you are still here. Maybe your plan wasn't meant to be. Things might not have changed in your head now- but that doesn't mean that they won't, or can't, going forwards.

I don't think so, it's hard to talk when my sons about so if I need any support I need to phone the out of hours cpns through the night.
I know a lot of it is in my head but it feels like I told them when my so. Went away I was going to end it, so everyone jumped in to support me, now he's coming back and I'm still here it's like they don't believe me now and have backed away but I still have all this stuff in my head, the thoughts are still,the same, the fears are still there the only difference is I'm on my own with it all again.
(Not sure if any of that makes sense)

Do you know and understand that rationally, the beasties don't really exist? That you can take comfort in the fact that they are simply your brain tricking you into believing that they are there. There is no need to be afraid of the phone.

There is a known technique called Auto-Suggestion. Basically you keep telling yourself something often enough until you actually begin to believe it. In your case, it could be that there are no beasties, and keep repeating this to yourself until they no longer appear. I don't know if you've been told this, but it may be worth a try. If it doesn't work, then it's time to try something else.

is your son quite young then crazycatmum? My kids are fairly young so I know that it is difficult to talk. Is there anything you can get him to do in another room that is very engaging (TV/computer games) if you need to talk to someone? Have you told them that you are still having the thoughts regardless of whether your son is there? How long do you have him for?

I think the thing with the beasties is they could be real because there is beasties, if it was say vampires or ghosts or something that definately wasn't or couldn't be real then I guess it would be easier, but what happens that time that I tell myself that they aren't real and they are, that's the bit that scares me, if I get it wrong I won't be able to trust my judgement again.

My youngest is 16, he's been on holiday with his dad but is back today for the rest of the summer, we have the dreaded exam results coming in beginning of next month and then he's back to school in 3 weeks.

I should be excited that he's coming home, he's been away 3 weeks and when he spoke to me on Wednesday he was so excited to come home, but I'm just filled with dread and disappointment.
I'm exhausted, I've spent the last 3 weeks with constant support trying to keep me alive while my son was away and now he's coming back and I'm scared, tired and just a mixture of different emotions.

I told them this morning that just because my son is coming home today doesn't change what's in my head but it feels like because I didn't do it while he was away like I said I wanted to then I won't do it while he is here.
It all feels much worse than before he went, I've failed, I've messed up, I shouldn't have opened my mouth

valid point about the beasties!

If your son is 16 then surely there will be times that he will leave the house to see mates etc- leaving you free to use the phone (beastie dependent)…or if they are coming to visit you time it for when he's out/send him on an errand.

If your 16 year old son is excited to be coming home after being on holiday with his dad you must be a great mum!! When I was a teenager I don't think I ever showed any positive emotions to my parents at all Hopefully if your son is home it should at least distract you a bit.

I can empathise with the dread feelings. My kids are currently with their dad. I can't stand it when they are not here, but then can't bear it when they are here either.

I'm glad you told them that what is going on in your head hasn't changed. You haven't failed, you've succeeded in keeping going despite having a battle with yourself for your very existence. And of course, you are still struggling. Just because you don't do something when you were planning doesn't mean that you've had some sort of miraculous epiphany and your world is all singing and roses. It's hard for you, and the MH team will be under no illusions about that. Keep on being honest.

Do you know what kind of beasties they are, eg, are they beetles, spiders, daddy long-legs (crane flies) etc? Can you describe them and what, if any, prominent markings they might have?
Can you actually feel them crawling up your arm or over your hand, when you use the phone? Have they ever bitten/nipped/stung you at all?

BTW, I understand you saying that if you get it wrong about the critters, that you wouldn't feel able to trust your own judgement, BUT, that is just one thing that you may have got wrong in a sea of many things you got right. It's really no big deal. We all get things wrong at some point in our lives. You've got many things right in your current state of mind (making sure your DC is happy and healthy etc), so one thing that won't necessarily harm you, is not something to worry about if your do get it wrong.

It sounds like the worst thing you can do is be afraid of the little critters. By being afraid of them, you could well be stopping yourself from getting the help you may need, due to not being able to lift the phone and ring the CPN when you need them.

FWIW, most critters will not do any harm unless they feel threatened, so lifting the phone and just sweeping them away gently may be a way to start getting control back over your life. I guess that having some semblance of control may help you to feel better, and being afraid of the beasties DOESN'T help that one bit?

I hate that someone can say something so simple and I can't see it that way.
Cpn says you made it to your son coming home you should be so proud, I only feel disappointment and shame that I didn't succeed.
It's like now he's home I'm supposed to feel better, and I think a tiny part of me thought I would be relieved and everything would just go back to normal but I don't.

I don't feel bad that I would leave my kids, I do feel bad that my cat could be left with no home and he doesn't deserve that, just because I was a weak pathetic person.
The crisis team keep asking me if I'm safe, can I keep myself safe until my next check in with someone from the team? I don't feel safe but don't know if that's the same as what they are asking it's all a muddle.

I've had to admit defeat and hopefully see GP tomorrow, my anxiety is getting so bad I've been sick for nearly 2 weeks, and had that yucky feeling and a horrible taste in my mouth. If I didn't know better I would have thought I was pregnant but that's not possible,
I'm just so tired of life

Hi Cat, have you seen the GP? What are they doing to help you with your anxiety?

Sorry, meant to say that I'm off to take the mad mutts for a walk, so it'll give you time to write out a reply if you have the time.

BTW, I hope you're OK, or as well as can be expected

Back soon OP, so take care until then

Hi, GP wasn't sure what was causing th sickness, she increased my omperizol to help with the reflux. She is sending me for an ultra sound of my side as she thinks there may have been a gall stone left behind when I had my gallbladder out a couple of years ago. I've to go back if it gets worse or I start vomiting blood.
She asked if I felt I had enough support but there is no more support except hospital and I can't do that again.
My head feels a mess, it's too busy, it's too much of everything