I've tried seeking help, again and again. I now have a long history of seeking help but getting nowhere. Seems to be a paradox where they will only help if I am actively suicidal, but obviously then I wouldn't ask for help. 
Have been to GP within last week.
I feel like a burden, and that I musn't ask for support, and must present as others expect of me. And I feel like that because that is what I have been treated like. I don't think that's right, or at least I woudn't if it was someone else in this position, but that is the state of affairs.
GP has referred for ASD assessment at my request. But tbh it seems like he's so keen on that because he sees me as a weirdo (and clearly thinks I'm difficult). Certainly, he doesn't seem to understand or agree with anything else I say/try to explain. Seeing him or anyone about my mental health is massivey triggering for me, makes me feel so desperately alone, and this sort of feeling like I'm being suffocated and expected to smile sweetly and say "yes sir, no sir" and agree that they are right and I'm a despicable human who should know my place. I'm definitely doing something wrong by feeling all these pesky emotions and having nightmares and horrible overwhelming memories. It's my fault people have hurt me so badly. I shoud keep quiet and conform godammit! Again, I wouldn't treat someone else like this but it seems to be the accepted view of me and I'm supposed to accept that and somehow also not feel shite.
I'm scared of everybody. I can't cope with their expectations, and most relationships and friendships seem to reach a point where I feel massively scapegoated or like I just have to be what the other person wants. I've tried to work out where I'm going wrong, if it's me, but tbh I seem to keep at it trying to repair relationships (including friendships) when it's way past the point of being treated as a "lesser" human. I really treasure the few who haven't treated me in this way, but sadly do not live near any of them anymore (most are abroad - that'll teach me to encourage people to follow their dreams 
). I've been reading up about abusive relationships because I'm trying to break the pattern in my romantic life, and it's struck me that an awful lot of it is relevant in friendships too. But I feel like that with almost everyone! If I applied red flag crietria to friendships I'd be considered even more of a bitch by other people.
It's all so confusing, I feel sick not understanding. Perhas I am this awful person others seem to think? But everything I've read supports me just being traumatised, I have had some shitty bad luck/horrible cricumstances happen to me... But... I seem to be one of those people a few people love and value whilst the majority despise without it being clear why. People seem keen to think the worst of me, even if it involes distroting the truth or making stuff up, whilst others are given the benefit of the doubt.
I have had some therapy (privately) and it improved self-worth but if anything that made things worse as less willing to put up with stuff. Also it validated my position in a way which didn't resolve the underlying questions, possibly because I have just been horribly unlucky, but I'm not sure.
Gosh that was a lot of unexpected writing. The point is, I'm utterly alone right now, and feel I'm at the end. (Not seen anyone in weeks, have no good friends nearby, or even anyone I could see really.) I'm struggling with all the bad memories and just being totally overwhelmed and feeling hopeless because I couldn't stop the horrible things happening, because people who should have helped actively worked against me, because I still don't understand the things, and because people seem to slam doors in my face rather than explain. I want to talk about the things. I wish I could do that here but just get told to "seek help".
I just don't know how to effectively ask for help because if I do I instantly sort of clam up and feeling dreadfully guilty and either a terrible attention seeker or a horrible burden, depending on who I've opened up to (MH people/GP or friends). The only person who remotely understands and is a longterm friend I could potentially speak to has a hell of a lot on their plate right now. I called and ended up not really saying how I felt, just trying to be supportive. Whih felt good because friendship does, and I love this person to bits and want to help them, but it still leaves me increasingly more desperate and alone with all the memories and feelings and confusion and hopelessness.
But yeh, I can't seem to convey things properly because I've been "trained" by the very people who should help not to show emotion and to feel guilty and attention-seeking (comments about being attention seeking, manipulative, told won't spek to you until you've "calmed down" or stopped crying, that sort of thing). Even this post has been written in a weirdly detached way; Im actually in bits. If I genuinely tell someone how I feel, I freak out and withdraw inside myself instantly. I could write on here that I'm suicidal and if one of you rushed round to my house I would be mortified and my "smile and be personable" social conditioning would automatically click in, no matter how much I desperately needed to talk about stuff. I can do it, it's just that usually the other person is sort of trying to jolly you out of it, so it feels wrong to keep dragging the conversation back to "I need to discuss this awful thing".
I feel like my background suicide risk is going up rapidly, and I don't know how to convey it. It's like the more reactive "shit, everything is too much" suicide risk was higher when living through crap. Whereas now it's more the background hopelessness that increases day by day. Does that make sense?