Depressed, can barely get out of bed depressed, but I do eventually...that's forcing myself...mental health team think I'm just lazy and are nagging me to do courses, voluntary work, see friends/ make new friends etc...
I haven't showered in 
and my hair is in knots, I have phoned 111 in tears and been taken to A&E in the stained pyjama top I've worn for days I've just put an hoodie over it and jeans or joggers on...
I am hated by everyone. I think it is a conspiracy, I don't want this to end up being too long but briefly so much of my life and the way I have been treated makes sense if I think that there are powerful people who want me to end my life.
I've told the professionals everything, I really have, but it's just dismissed. I struggle to find the words, but I don't come across like I do. They seem to think middle class, educated, articulate etc means you can't really be ill. I can sound I don't know, with it, in control, but on autopilot, my brain is in this dark chaos thinking I want to be dead.
They don't see the actual meltdowns. The mask goes on. I am scared to lose control. In the past I've had it all, police involved, hospital, and all I got was punishment for things that weren't really in my control, but were seen as manipulative bad behaviour.
Like just this morning in A&E I was sitting waiting, apparently calm and reading my magazine, messing around on my phone...they can't see I was thinking of ways I could hurt and kill myself in there...
If there's no help I don't think I can go on. I don't have any strength left. I am increasingly thinking, for what - I'm ugly, a freak, clearly hated. My life is objectively (again, for reasons I won't go into or this post would become a thesis) ruined. All I can see is carrying on NOT living until I become a bitter old woman with no partner, friends, career, nothing.
I would say with ten cats but I have one now and I'm letting her down, I love her so much but I often feel numb to that, or I feel irritable towards her. I would NEVER hurt her but I get images of it. She is such a sweet cat and she deserves better. If I wasn't here she would have a good home, not someone who isn't really coping.
I think it would actually be so easy to end it all (won't list the methods I think of) but haven't done it so maybe they're right and I am just attention-seeking and talking crap. I don't think I'm scared of death, not being here, in this pain, is so appealing. Just of pain during the process, or surviving and being disfigured/ disabled. I wish I could go to Dignitas.