is this a precursor to falling in the pit of depression or is it actually just ok?

[dangermouseisace]

Background: I'm not very good at asking for help. I ended up with severe depression and a lengthy hospital stay at the end of last year/beginning of this.

I've been finding general 'stuff' difficult. Day to day stuff is a struggle at the moment. Which is expected, with ups and downs and whatnots on the road to recovery. But recently I've been getting suicidal urges, out of no-where. I feel quite crap generally, but put that down to ups and downs and lack of exercise at the moment. Do other people know when they are actually getting worse? I think because it is just urges…rather than definite plans…that it's not worth bothering the mental health team and I don't want to be attention seeking/have people on my case more than normal anyway. It's more…you don't have the kids- you could do xyz now and that's it, now is your chance…it's hard to resist but I know I will. Is this a normal depression thing? I don't remember urges out of nowhere before but everything seems like a dark hazy blur pre crisis anyway. I remember feeling really awful last week, calling MH team but my usual worker wasn't there, I said I'd call back but I think was better at the beginning of this week but now I'm not so sure. Is this normal? Sorry it's a bit garbled…don't think I make sense...

I have these feelings too and they are sudden and are more fleeting ideas than plans.

do you feel you are depressed or do you think you are doing ok?

which might sound like a crass question if so I apologise

I have suffered with depression before. I know it's a sign of a few things. Normally that I need to start evaluations of why I'm thinking these things. There's usually a trigger. Can be anything from hormonal to a lack of sleep, increased pain etc

For me it's a sign that I need to start self care. As it usually coincides with either an event which reminds me of a trauma

Sounds more like suicidal ideation rather than being suicidal iyswim - you don't want to die, but you can't see how you can live like this. I get random thoughts like this on occasion and I do find find it's always because I'm feeling like I'm falling again, so whilst I don't think they're anything in themselves (more just dark idle musings) I take notice of them because they generally mean something else is up (I'm not making much sense now either, sorry!). Take notice and ask for the help you need.

no it is all helpful actually thank you. That it isn't normal but it's not a disaster, and that I shouldn't just dismiss it. Thinking about other things that have been happening more regularly that I now remember specifically ignoring (panic attacks etc) before the journey into the abyss last time. I will write them all down whilst I remember and say to CPN when I next see her thanks people x

How are you feeling now, danger?

I'm a bit better I think- have discussed things with CPN and have plan in place for if it continues thanks for asking phoolani

Glad to hear it. I hope it keeps up. I've avoided any major incidents for many years now by, I think, taking time to notice, just how I'm feeling, and why I'm feeling that way. It really helps me a lot, by taking away that out of control feeling. Take the time to self-care because, in the words of the wise, you're worth it!