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I think this is my crisis point

52 replies

Throughautomaticdoors · 24/06/2016 23:15

I've had a nc - I was sweetelizarose

I've been struggling since having Dd six months ago...I thought I was doing better. I'm on 100mg sertraline which has made me less depressed but hasn't really touched the anxiety if that makes sense. I've been to my GP numerous times - I'm probably single handedly bankrupting the NHS - I've signed up online for a cbt course as recommended by my perinatal health lady and you know what? I still don't feel any better. I did. For a short time. But now I feel so so anxious again. I cannot get over the fact I did not vaccinate my daughter against rotavirus. It's become like an obsession. I delayed it for numerous reasons and then when I took her to have it it was too late.
I just feel like I've let her down so badly. I'm her mother and I should have protected her. I don't deserve her. I can't put this right and I don't want to carry on anymore. I'm too scared to take her out the house in case she catches it and even though I know she'd likely be ok she would feel pretty poorly and I could have stopped it and I didn't. I just can't put it right can I? If only I'd given the fucking vaccine, instead I've ruined all our lives. I don't think I can carry on and live with the guilt any longer, I just don't want to do it anymore, I don't want to feel shame and guilt every time I look at her beautiful face, I don't want to feel too scared to take my 7 year old somewhere in case any of use pick up rotavirus, I'm so fed up and crucially it is all my fault.
I just want someone to tell me she won't catch it or that she won't be too ill but no one can so instead I'm just waiting all the time for her to be ill. I feel like every day is borrowed time, somewhere in the future the day is lurking when my poor decision will make my daughter unwell. It's all I can think about, I keep trying to find a solution and there isn't one because it's too late. I can't undo it. The only answer is to never go out and what sort of a life is that?

Sorry. I know I must be boring people stupid but I just don't know what to do with myself tonight. I don't think I will ever feel better because of what I've done to my daughter. She's so trusting and I've failed her so badly. I don't want to carry on I just want it to stop.

OP posts:
caitlinannalisesmummy · 26/06/2016 09:53

How are you this morning op? Been thinking of you x

Throughautomaticdoors · 27/06/2016 09:40

I don't think I can live with myself anymore
Yes I made the decision to delay thinking it wasn't too late and with the best of intentions and also I did realise how awful this bug was. That combined with the fact my dd was so refluxy and hard to feed and the cranial osteopath saying the vaccine would make her really sick caused me to delay.

But I've just been googling it again and so many people say their children were seriously ill with it. I can't even look at dd this morning. I've failed her so badly. This decision has ruined our lives. And I can't put it right. I just can't put it right. I just want to cry and cry and cry about the harm I've done to my daughter when I love her more than anything

OP posts:
Throughautomaticdoors · 27/06/2016 09:41

Didn't realise how awful it was

OP posts:
404NotFound · 27/06/2016 10:12

Your daughter's health is not the issue here. Your mental health is the issue here, and you need to prioritise getting help for it, both for your sake, and for your daughter's.

Life is inherently uncertain, and we all need to balance the realisation that terrible things do happen to innocent individuals with the knowledge that, most of the time they do not. When the fear of things that are only very remote possibilities overwhelms your ability to enjoy the things that are good in the present, then that is a sign that your mental functioning is not working properly, and you need to get professional help. That is NOT a criticism of you, it's a reminder to you that this is NOT how things have to be, and there are people who can help you get past this and improve your quality of life (and that of your daughter).

There will always be things that make us afraid for our children, whether they're babies, older children or teenagers. Taking steps to avoid realistic dangers while not losing our ability to enjoy our lives in the moment is the aim. You can get there, but you definitely need to talk to someone who has seen all this before and can help you get back on track, whether through medication, therapy, or some combination of the two.

It really doesn't have to be like this, please make an appointment with your GP and get him/her to refer you to a PND support service.

Throughautomaticdoors · 27/06/2016 10:15

But I could have taken a basic step by getting the vaccine...
How will the Drs at the hospital treat me when my baby is on a drip for something I could have prevented?

I've had lots of help but this feeling only abates for a very short time and then it comes back.

OP posts:
404NotFound · 27/06/2016 10:41

If you weren't worrying about the vaccine, it would be something else. As it happened my youngest had rotavirus as a baby, and it was nothing more than a week or two of green poo. Mine all had chickenpox without incident as well, other than lots of spots, wall-to-wall calpol and six delightful weeks of having Madagascar on a running loop.

As they get older, there are other things to worry about - stuff that happens at school, are the teachers supporting them properly, are other kids being horrible to them, are they going to catch illnesses of other kids. And for teens, are they crossing the road sensibly, are they being influenced to try drugs or cigarettes or alcohol, are they going to fail all their exams?

Do you see what I mean? There are always thigns to be anxious about - as the line goes, once you've had a child there will always be part of you walking around outside your body, vulnerable and unprotected. So the task of adapting to parenthood is finding a way of managing that anxiety without letting it destroy your ability to take pleasure in the present. Ultimately if you don't find a way of reaching an accommodation with that fear, it will steal your enjoyment of your daughter's childhood, and you will find it harder to help her in turn find a way of embracing life's challenges, whether it's going on a long DoE expedition in the mountains, or facing the risk of failure in applying for jobs or universities.

Can you try and imagine what you would say if it were your daughter who had just had her first child and was feeling like you are? Would you say, "Yes, you've ruined your child's life, everything that goes wrong is definitely your fault." Or would you say, "Look, this is scary, you've never done this before, you're bound to feel worried, but small babies are very robust, and have a tendency to thrive under much more hostile conditions that a 21st century western home. It'll be fine."

I'm guessing it would be the latter. And hopefully you would also see that your hypothetical daughter's fear is less about reality and more about PND that hasn't been properly treated, and you would encourage her to push for proper specialist help.

And that is what you should do for yourself, it will help your daughter much more than obsessing over the very remote possiblity of her getting a specific illness. Your thought patterns are not normal, and there is help available, Please try and find it. Flowers

caitlinannalisesmummy · 27/06/2016 22:33

404, well said, thank you for voicing what I would have loved to were I feeling more with-it at the moment. I agree, op, what advice would you give to a friend who was in your situation? Be kind to yourself, be your own friend, ask for help. You can fight this exhausting, suffocating illness, with the right medical support. The anxiety monster is bullying you into believing you have done something wrong. Do not allow the bully to win, please. You are worth much, much more than that, and your little one needs you to stand up to the bully for her sake, now xx

Throughautomaticdoors · 28/06/2016 09:07

It's just a shame as she's doing so well. She's like any six month baby now, you wouldn't know she'd been prem.
It will just be awful when she's gets ill and has to spend a week in hospital. It'll set her back again. I just can't do anything with her or take her anywhere in case she catches it. I know she could catch anything but crucially this one is my fault. Even if she's only ill for a few days it's still suffering I should have prevented.

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Mumof3wonderfulboys · 28/06/2016 10:59

Hi THANKYOU 404notfound your advice has helped me too , especially about the worry as they get older , I have 3 sons and the vaccine was not available to them is it a new thing...??and they didn't get rotavirus I'm showing my age here !!! There are lots of virus children can catch and if we was to make ourselves so poorly about the worry of it all I don't think any parent would leave the house, no amount of beating yourself up is going to change this situation sorry to put it so blunt, but I fear your obvious mental illness is not good for your children anyway so I do hope you continue to get the help you so need and try to be happy for the sake of the children lots of people trying to help u here however you are still being very very negative it worries me hate to think your suffering and wish I could help you see past your anxieties , you have not inflicted any illness on your child as they have not gotten Ill and informally we can't predict anything what will happen, my son got ran over on way to school was hospitalised for 12 weeks he was 10 , I will never ever forgive myself for not taking him but he wanted the independence and no one knew this accident was going to happen it just did. I can't stay in and keep him in thinking he may getaway over again , although the worry kills me not to mention guilt and I am also suffering from panic attacks and having counselling yet it Was him that Was injured not I . I can sit all day and night thinking what if, why and if only,,, but it won't change a thing . Do try to forgive yourself your not alone many children have not had the vaccine and have been healthy . Big hugs

Throughautomaticdoors · 28/06/2016 11:51

Thank you 404

OP posts:
Aldilogue · 29/06/2016 04:04

404, what a brilliant post and excellent advice. You have some good points and explained yourself very well.

Mum of 3, what an ordeal with your boy but so happy that he came out of it okay. Proof that even if something does go wrong, we can recover. As I said in my post, Rotavirus vaccine was not around with my boy and he has never had it so no issue there but in the future they will develop more vaccines for diseases unknown to us now.

OP, if we are on the mental health board it means we all struggle with these crappy issues, it helps to know we can all have problems. Like I said before, take this advice and try to improve your life. You only get one life and your baby will be small for such a short time. Enjoy those cuddles, the first crawling, the first steps, the first words. Before you know it, they are 10!

Wineandpopcorn · 29/06/2016 12:05

Is your husband supportive op? When were your meds increased?

Throughautomaticdoors · 29/06/2016 18:11

About three weeks ago. No he isn't supportive. He thinks I should just get over it.
Basically I get up in the morning and wait for the day to finish and then do the same the day after and the day after etc. found out today that ds has been awarded an end of year prize at school for his effort and the letter is really lovely. It describes him as 'remarkable.' We are invited to a prize giving ceremony. And do you know what? I don't even care. Previously I'd have been thrilled for him and so pleased he was being rewarded but now I just think 'what's the point? It's all shit and sooner or later everything goes wrong anyway.'

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Anonymouses · 29/06/2016 18:54

This definitely sounds like bad postnatal depression. It may be that sertraline doesn't work for you. You may also need beta blockers to ease the anxiety. Please go back to docs and tell them everything you have said here.

As for the vaccination it wasn't even a thing when mine were small. I am very pro vaccine but that particular one is one I would think twice about. For a prem baby it would be a risky vaccine so in all honesty there's as much chance that if you had done it she would have reacted and you would still have the guilt. None of my kids ever got rota virus and I didn't hide away.

Illness is causing this crippling guilt and anxiety. It is treatable. Please fight for help.

Throughautomaticdoors · 29/06/2016 19:20

Dh wants to go away for two weeks in the summer. I can barely leave the house how will I manage two weeks away? Apparently he's already compromised by not going abroad.

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Throughautomaticdoors · 29/06/2016 19:25

I wish I was dead. There is literally nothing to look forward to and it's all pointless anyway

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NicknameNotTaken · 29/06/2016 19:39

What you're going through sounds really tough, OP. In not surprised you're struggling given how you're feeling, but there's been some great advice up thread, and I'd also ask if there's anyone else you can talk to IRL about how you're feeling, a friend maybe?

The important thing to remember about feeling hopeless when your mental health is crap is that is never lasts forever. I promise, and I speak from experience.

Do go back to your GP and explain how you're feeling - that's how I eventually got better. I'm on 150mgs sertraline now and feeling much less anxious. Big hugs.

GemmaTeller2 · 29/06/2016 19:48

Hi OP, I can totally relate to you, but cannot think of anything to add to what the others have already said, just know that you are not on your own, and you CAN get through this, dark days will soon be over. I also take sertraline, just been increased to 150mg..borderline PD, and anxiety, I feel for you! Just be assured you are doing a grand job and your children love you!

caitlinannalisesmummy · 29/06/2016 22:24

Your healthcare providers have a duty to provide treatment that actually works against this horrible illness that has gripped you. You have a duty to yourself and your ds to tell tell your h p.s when it is working or not working. There are so many options, they have to explore them. They have to help you fight this. But you have to tell them. Or ask a friend in RL to tell them. Again. And again. Until you are free to be you. Until you can breathe. Please, hold on. Please, fight. If not for you, for your ds xxx

Wolfiefan · 29/06/2016 22:28

You have had good advice on previous threads. You need to stop the focus on vaccination and chicken pox. They are not the real issue. Your MH is. You need to seek health ASAP. I don't believe you have yet been totally honest with your GP. You must. Rotavirus isn't the threat to your child. Your mental health will have a much bigger impact. Please seek help. Tomorrow. First thing.

caitlinannalisesmummy · 29/06/2016 22:28

Sorry, * dd. Had a glass of cabernet and confusled myself Blush

Throughautomaticdoors · 29/06/2016 22:31

My perinatal nurse is coming tomorrow anyway...

I've been googling rotavirus. There are people who have had really really unwell babies. I know dd might not get it as badly as that but also she might and if only I hadn't delayed she would have been ok.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 29/06/2016 23:02

Stop googling. That is not the problem. Your anxiety is.
Your perinatal nurse may well come but you need to be honest. You have intrusive thoughts, irrational thought processes, a morbid obsession with you and/or your kids being ill, you have no joy in life, overriding anxiety and can't even face the thought of a holiday. YOU need help.

Wineandpopcorn · 30/06/2016 08:49

Can you show your nurse this thread? Will that be easier than trying to explain truthfully how bad things are?