I had a mental break down last night. I fell out with dp because he let me down, staying out later at the pub, when he said he would be home earlier to do something with me.
I have had hell of a lot on my plate lately. I don't have a job due to stress at work (I had to leave) this is what started my stress, I was great before this.
Dp knew I'd be happier if I got another job and told me to leave. All financial strain is on him and I can't contribute. I'm trying to get a new job but have been unsuccessful so far. This has a huge effect on my self worth and stress levels. I want a happy comfortable family life and I'm riddled with guilt that I'm not contributing. The stress was caused by a bully manager and I was basically pushed out of a job I love. It has changed me as a person, feel like I've lost my mind.
Anyway last night...I got up at 3am packed a suitcase, took some pills and told dp I was leaving. I got in the car and drove. Dp didn't go after me or call me which made me more upset. I have no idea why I done it but I couldn't control myself at the time. It was a total rage, not planned or thought out.
I came home after a couple of hours ranting to dp that he doesn't understand how I feel. He doesn't know how lonely and isolated I am all the time. And when he didn't come home as planned I felt like another person has let me down, I'm not worthy enough of been thought of or put first.
I need help. I'm mortified and embarrassed I can't tell anyone. I can't believe work stress has done this to me and I feel like I've lost who I am.
I am not on anti depressants but I am prescribed anxiety meds which I only take when neeed..
Yesterday my heart was pounding all day, uncomfortably and I'm not sure if the outburst was just a panic attack as I couldn't breath properly during the outburst.
I'm ashamed of myself and I know I need to get a grip. I feel like I've let him down and myself down. Keep thinking why is he with me if this is what I do after a minor argument.
I know I would feel Better if I got a job and was able to graft and provide. I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like a nut case.