i can't cope with this life.

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

and there's nothing even that bad about it.

potted history is i have severe agoraphobia and social anxiety = i can't go out on my own or use the phone.

i self harm and have done for years. it is bad tonight. i want out of this life (this is NOT a suicide note - i have no intention of offing myself though it is the right thing to do).

everything is a constant struggle. i am childfree btw, so no-one else to worry about. i hate everything about myself. my life is empty. i have nothing to be stressed over but everything is a struggle. i can't do it anymore.

One minute at a time. Don't think about the big stuff tonight

thank you. i'm so sorry for posting. i'm sorry as well for the shitty grammar and lack of capital letters, i can't seem to function tonight and i am normally more coherent.

i don't know what is big stuff and what isn't, i don't know what counts as anything and what is me being melodramatic.

Don't be sorry.

What's made it bad tonight?

Op I'm sorry you're so low, can you break it down for us a bit?

tonight isn't really any different to any other, tbh. i think about dying all the time. it's a casual thought for me. sometimes it's strong, sometimes it's just a passing fancy but it is always something i know that i would like.

i hurt myself a lot and tonight it's bad but i can deal with it, it's not something that i need anyone else to look at. i'm experienced with doctoring myself up.

i'm not making any sense am i? i'm sorry. i'm really really sorry. i feel like an idiot for saying anything. i thought about making this thread all night and i shouldn't have done it.

etta, i don;t know what to break down. everything is a jumble. i'm sorry.

You're making sense and you don't need to keep apologising. It all sounds really tough.

What medical or counselling support are you getting?

You're not an idiot, you have nothing to apologize for. Sorry by break it down I meant , what specifically. Just to get an idea of what particularly makes you feel like harming and what makes you feel life isn't worth living. You are not an idiot , seriously.

support is a mess.

recently re-referred to the cmht - i've seen them before and they've been less than useful but they are pretty much my only option. they are however, only interested in my weight; i'm previously diagnosed anorexic and am admittedly currently underweight.

no therapy/counselling. i am on medication but i struggle to take it due to contamination phobia. support is pretty minimal tbh, i don't trust them at all and i don't feel able to be honest about anything.

i am sorry though. i'm a rambling mess.

i want to self harm from the moment i get up until the moment i sleep. being myself is the trigger. i wake up and remember that i am worthless, so hurting myself is the logical step from there, because why wouldn't i punish myself?

i want to die because my life has nothing in it. i have never wanted to be alive. never. i have always held on for other people, or held on because 'there's something better around the corner' but there isn't.

sorry for double posting.

Holding on for other people, family, friends?

I'm struggling to cope tonight, am absolutely exhausted and can't process much so I'm sorry I'm not going to be very helpful but I just wanted to offer you a very unmumsnetty hug and some and for you to know you're not alone. I can relate to a lot of what you've said tonight.

i was holding on for family; i don't have friends. when i was younger, it would have been devastating for my mum to lose a child. now though, she will imminently have a grandchild to focus on, and i know she'll be okay.

faith, i'm so sorry you are struggling so much too. i wouldn't want anyone else to feel this way. take care of yourself.

when i was younger, it would have been devastating for my mum to lose a child. now though, she will imminently have a grandchild to focus on, and i know she'll be okay.

That's not true. A DGC doesn't replace a DC or compensate for their loss.

How are you feeling now? I'm sorry I haven't replied before.

As Just said, a DGC is not a replacement. I do hope you're feeling slightly better in yourself now. I'm not feeling good at all today.