Depressed and angry...is this normal? Does anyone relate?

[imcrackingup]

Many years ago I was suicidally depressed. I have had bouts of depression on and off every since. I usually can get myself out of it but I have been struggling since before last Dec. (It has been one thing after another...nothing major ...just not good stuff).
I am also waiting to be assessed for ADHD - which I'm certain I've got.
I finally went for help and have been on citalopram for the last 2-3 months - started at 20, then 30, just been put up to 40mg today. I'm still struggling - sometimes feeling really down, everything is a massive effort - but I am forcing myself to make the effort - I know it will only get worse if I don't - and its bloody hard (feel like crying often- but I can't). I am painfully slowly getting on top of things - slightly more in control, coping better - house isn't too bad, work getting up to date etc. I am in a better place from that pov than I was 2 months ago.
And I was never as down as when I was suicidal. To be honest I didn't really know what was happening then. Planning suicide seemed normal, the only option.
This is different - I am really tense .....and really really angry - really frustrated with it. I am doing everything I can to make things better -but it just won't fuck off and lift.

Can anyone relate to that? GP said maybe I am getting well enough to appreciate how hard it is - if that makes sense. I am worried it means I am getting worse somehow...
(I am not angry with people or myself - not losing my temper with anyone etc - it is with the 'depression' which in my head is a separate thing)

Hi OP I can relate to you however I am in a better place now, I am having counselling on the NHS involving CBT, mindfulness and meditation, I am also on citalopram 20 mg cutting down today to 10mg.

I was quite a cynical person so didn't think counselling would help certainly not with mindfulness and meditation, I thought it would be airy fairy but it's really working. It's not easy and you have to percivere and participate fully.

Has your GP suggested counselling or maybe you need a different anti-depressant I know they take time to work and maybe your dose increase needs more time also. Have you got any help in RL? Can you try some breathing exercises when you get angry I know it's hard but it might refocus you and help reset your anger. I have been here and it's horrible, keep going back to GP otherwise. You will get better.

I think Lilybensmum is right.OP Her counselling combining all those things sound brilliant. In my opinion anti-depressants on their own could only go so far.

Sometimes depression exists as a sort of repression of anger if that makes sense? Like anger you weren't able to/allowed to feel in the past, is now rising to the surface. I was very down in my teenage years/ early 20s and when it lifted I was really angry! Had to process all that. Maybe some type of talking therapy/ counselling would help so you can process it. I'm not sure if this makes any sense as I'm extremely tired and my brain's not at its best.

What hmmmum said is really interesting. I am experiencing the same as you OP and I definitely feel there is some truth to repressed anger. I definitely have a lot of that and am just waiting for therapy on the NHS.
I hope we both find a solution soon OP

This sounds just like DH. I've finally made him a doctor's appointment. The anger and short temper has now changed to completely going inside himself, barely talking to me or dc's, not eating. Me and dc's are getting worried!

I did have counselling when I was suicidal...not sure if that is part of the problem. I had lots of stuff from the past that I dealt with and he made me realise I didn't want to die really - just wanted to feel better. I would have done anything to feel better - which is kind of where I am now.
But now I know that's the case and I know what I need to do to feel better but it isn't working... (that includes relaxation, deep breathing, time for reflection, light exercise, time outdoors- appreciating the beauty surrounding me and even a split second of happiness/joy)
Also maybe he made me think of the depression as something to fight - something that wasn't 'me'.
I'm not being stroppy or short tempered with others - I get really angry inside with the depression - when it is making me feel down -but also for making everything hard - the simplest of things takes an age as I can't find the energy -so I am faffing (ADHD and struggling to focus and stop procrastinating makes that even harder) and then I could do something more interesting/fun - or even other stuff I need to be doing. I want some energy so I do more fun stuff with my DCs - I want the blackness to lift -so I can get on with life.

I don't think I have repressed anger...but I guess I might...
My GP hasn't suggested counselling but has referred me to psychiatric services for a possible ADHD diagnosis - so I guess I will be in the best place to get help.
(Just waiting for an appt - and I think I messed up on my self assessment - just wanting to get it done I did quickly with little thought. It asked me about impact on day to day life - over my life I would say not too bad - I have strategies, developed habits etc - not thinking that actually right now - when fighting depression is taking all my energy - it is having a pretty big effect -and I probably should have made that clear....)
Maybe I am getting 'better' and that is making me feel the frustration more when I'm heavy hearted...