social anxiety & depression

[anibee]

Hi..this is my first post here. I suffer from severe anxiety in social situations..& it's taken over my life a lot. Before I had my baby I coped with it ok..most of the time. I've got an 8th month old now & I'm worried that I'm he's missing out because I'm quite isolated & I've not been able to take him to things.
I want to give him a good start in life but I feel like I'm letting him down already...& it's making me depressed.
I don't really know what to expect from posting here..I think I'm just hoping that someone might have some advice...maybe about the sorts of things that I could try taking him to..or about coping with being depressed.

Hi Anibee, My thoughts are really with you. Following the birth of my first child I suffered PND (a bit with my 2nd too) and the most striking thing was the anxiety and complete loss of confidence I felt - something which was pretty alien to me since whilst I had suffered depression before, I had never been particuarly anxious and was a confident successful professional. I took the route of mother and baby groups to try and overcome it, the first was completely toxic (and made me worse) - a clicky breast feeding support group led by an absolute bitch who was most interested in herself and her dahhling son (as frequently caricatured in novels about motherhood). It was full of mothers who never had to think about going back to work and whose biggest concern was whether anybody had had the audacity to buy Nestle coffee for the group - aaaagh!. I had always thought that this sort of middle class group would be my thing, but eventually I left it in tears (no-one noticed or cared) and walked three miles home in an absolute state of distress and panic - SO my advice to you would be to avoid these types of group like the plague - they are full of people completely up themselves who will just make you feel worse.

My second attempt was attending my local M&B group in a Sure Start area. The people who went there were much more socially mixed but were unanimously friendly. A couple of weeks after I started, some new people started coming and I made an effort to chat to them (because I knew how much I had appreciated people chatting to me when I had started and I knew that they wouldn't reject me!). You have a great starting topic - babies - everyone loves to talk about their babies and ask about other people's baies!. After a couple of weeks, at the advice of my HV, I asked these people back for coffee - I was terrified and didn't know if they would really want to come, but they did and 4 years later, these people are my best friends (and their chidren and my children are best mates !)

In summary, my advice to you would be as follows: -

1. avoid yummy mummy groups like the plague, no-one there will admit that they are feeling yuk / finding things difficult, even though they are, and competition will be rife. All guaranteed to make you feel a hundred times less confident.

2. Find a low key local group (local so you can pop in for cups of tea etc frequently when - not if - you make friends with people) - forget any social snobbery, these groups are great amd you are guaranteed to meet someone that you have things in common with.

3. Speak to your HV about how you feel (if you haven't already) - if she is a good one, she will be an enormous support and will be able to direct you to local M&B groups.

4. Speak to your GP re CBT (if you haven't already) - its tough and you need to work hard but can be very effective if you stick with it and the tasks the therapist sets you

5. Don't rely on the local park to make friends - have been going there myself for 41/2 years and whilst I know most of the people by face (and vice versa), still nobody acknowledges me - snotty bunch!!

Good luck - sorry to ramble on but hope it has been of some use!

Just another thought - have you thought about posting a message on here asking if anyone in your area wants to meet up for a coffee - I bet that you'd get a positive response, and you don't have to ask them in person.

whereabouts are you anibee?

Hiya, I am the very same. I have just restarted on ADs and already I feel a little different (apart from my ranting post this morning ) I'll link it actually as it has loads of helpful info xXx

some of this might be useful...

im in pretty much the same boat and have been for 18m, i get v panicky around other people which isnt like me at all, i used to be a restaurant manager. and i feel even more inadequete coz i get panicky iykwim.

anibee firstly hugs. Secondly have you seen anyone about the anxiety? I suffer from bad anxiety and for the first year of my sons life I was a recluse. I didnt go out much and when I did I was a wreck.It hasnt affected him at all, he is now 3 and a friendly little soul. The one thing I did do was join a toddler group[just one] and have regularly stuck to it which helped as it became more familiar so now also take both my daughters as well as my son. Agree about looking out for other newbie mums at the groups or I know its hard but trying to start a conversation even if it is the mundane of how old is their child etc. I still suffer bad depression and anxiety but dont feel anxious about going to this particular group and have been lucky to make a very good friend via the group[took nearly a year to get to the point of changing phone numbers as I am quite resistent to 'new' things].

I am a fairly anxious person and suffered my first panic attack just over a year ago. I then use to spend my time fearing the fear of having another one...which in turn talks you into having one! I refused to let this beat me and felt that there was a good chance of going on to develop such things as agrophobia through my fear of going out and having an attack. I still feel them coming on now and again, usually when i talk myself into thinking that i'm going to faint in public or i'm going to cry or vomit. Not easy for someone to understand unless they have had a panic attack - sounds all very silly and physcological if you haven't been there. However, i went on Amazon and bought various CD's on panic attacks and anxiety and i now rotate them each night and listen to them as i fall asleep. It certainly helped to take the edge off the anxiety and certainly stopped it progressing any further - whether or not they worked because i believed in them, who knows, but i would recommend something like this. It's all very easy to say "get yourself together and get out there and meet people" but anxiety is a very real thing and you need to find a way to deal with it. Otherwise all that happens is you start to associate the places where the panic set in, as places of panic which will trigger anxiety every time (does that make sense). Good luck, i totally understand!

i too suffer from this. I am not really a ggod advert as i tend to keep myself to myself apart from a few friends
Anxiety is not nice...trying to chuck out some of the crap in my past to help me with it.
good luck

anibee - dont worry that it's affecting your son, he is so young now, he just wants to be with his mum and family.

Do try a small-ish local group if you can and try to stick at it, just by going to the same place each week will help and you will get gradually to know other people.

If you just get to one person that will make all the difference.

I've been living here for about 2 and a hlaf years, dont really know any one much, but I have sort of got to know another mum and that has made me feel so differently about things.
.

Thanks for the advice everyone.
Its hard just to admit how much I'm struggling..so at least talking about it here is a step.
I think I need to ask for more help..& a bit of support...but it doesn't come easily. CBT would probably help.. I think I need something to help get me out & mixing with people. I haven't discussed anything with any health professionals...I think I'm worried they'll think I'm not able to look after my son.
lissielou..I'm in the northwest.
If anyone wants to email me...it would be great..as I'm so isolated from other mums.

i'm in the north west too - manchester!

Hi Anibee

Re professionals doubting your ability to care for your son - please believe me - if your child is cared for and nourished and you haven't got drug dealers, violent people or child abusers coming into your house - they won't. PND / anxiety is really really common and your HV / GP (if your GP is sympathetic) will have heard similar stories so many times, that they won't blink an eyelid. In my professional life, I work very closely with Child & Family Social Services and I know what rings alarm bells for them re child protection. Even if social services were involved (which in terms if mental health generally only occurs with severe mental illness or substance misuse), as long as your child isn't at risk of abuse / severe neglect, their role would be to put extra support in for you, not to judge you. Best wishes LL

Anibee another in the norhtwest..am in liverpool/knowsley feel free to mail me on [email protected]

thanks loobylooby.

hi.I am starting a course for anxiety managment in february, maybe you could ask your GP for a referral to a counsellor (i did). i also find AD's help.

it agrieves me to see that the people i certain threads turn up in others.... life can be very unfair

WHAT????

just the relationship between life experience and its outcomes

hi strawberrydream,
I probably should go to my gp. I've been before & been on ADs before but don't want to go on ADs as I'm still bf.
I've never been on any courses or anything though..let us know if it helps.