Am total fruitcake, would love to dig myself out of this hole.

[Paisleylove]

Hello, fellow hacked off souls! Hopefully we can rant away together? (Pause to get Biiiig glass of red) Am feeling bleurgh. Can't get myself together, feel like the worst parent and made worse by the people I love most being more than moderately shite and repressed. Love my parents but they're sooooo ick with the whole talkie/touchy thing. Spoke to Dad tonight... 'Helllllo!!! How was your day?' 'Dad, every day is awful. I get 1 good day every 6 months or so. Why would today be different?' Dad - maniacal laughter.... Hmm. V helpful, cheers. Likewise, take it and take it from the DH & when I finally blow my stack and am reduced to a blubbing, begging for help, heap; finds his dodgy old slippers gripping and studies them more intently than a fothergill's seed catalogue(& that's going some at the mo. - YAAAWN)!!!! Not even a patronising, ' There, there, dear. It'll be alright.' AND when I've spoken to the HV she thinks I 'should be on the stage'!?! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME??? (sorry, shouldn't shout at you guys, just . Errr... it is MUMSnet prob should mention the offspring. Oh God I love them, so why are they so foul?!? DS went into the terrible two's at 15months and I'm still waiting for him to come out (Started school sept...), DD so perfect until she realised at 2 that she was missing out on attn because the howling horror required every waking (AND SLEEPING DAMN HIM) moment & struck back. Dear Christ!!! It's a long shot but if they make temper tantruming an Olympic sport in 2012 I may be bathing in the 'reflected glory' of having bred the Gold (with knobs on) Medalist. Really - NO thanks! Of course all my friends LOVE their kids and are sooo happy in their company. Why not me? (throw self on floor and have temper tantrum to set fine example) Drink loads to help, but of course it doesn't - knew that. My head's the nastiest blackest empty space and no-one seems to care enough to want to actually listen to me. I'm sick of always being peoples benchmark for failure. I've not had children long enough to have forgotten being a real person. Discuss!!! Please. X

just to pick your last point, what people present in public is not always what is going on inside. why do you think that you are a benchmark. no one is prefect in the parenting game.

oh dear everyone feels that everyone else is doing better than them but in reality we're all just doing enough to keep our heads above water. have you spoken to another hv or your gp?

Paisleylove - sounds like you're hitting rock bottom at the moment.

Honestly, no parents I know (including myself) "love their kids and are sooo happy in their company". Definitely not! OK, we love our kids, but love them even more when they're in a different room being quiet so we can get on and MNet/cook/read (ha!) - just anything for 5 - 10 minutes peace...

Do you have a dp/dh around to talk to/take some of the strain?

My two are 5 and 2 and it's not the best age gap is it..? Bloody hard work - sounds like you need to try if possible to get some time out - a couple of hours even at the weekend - to yourself. Is this at all possible??

Thanks Bananaloaf. No. I know that, but I try to be honest with people, especially the ones I care about. It just makes it worse in some twisted way to think that maybe they are telling the truth... maybe their world is lovely. I live in a reasonablly affluent bit of town because DH lost his parents & inherited the house so people here have got buckets to throw at being happy. That doesn't intimidate me, in itself, just the worry that I am really the totally crap parent I don't want to be. The whole benchmark thing? I've tried to laugh at my depression and shortcomings so maybe my nearest & dearest have got too used to saying - could be worse could be a Paisley day! Cut myself so badly I needed a stitch in my finger - ON SELLOTAPE?!? Sadly this is one of my Christmas highlights... Hmm V sad case!

Have you seen anyone about your depression - on any medication? have you got any kind of support network - friends who are Mums close by?

Hi Dottydot and lissielou. Ha ha ha!!! my DH is off his head with stress & now has alopecia (Can't spell that, sorry), so, I've been trying to take more of the strain. Not really helped by the fact that, frankly, he couldn't find his arse with both hands. I managed a day out with a mate to see Forest thrash Charlton, but the useless great clump couldn't work the washing machine even after I told him his DS would show him what to do!!!! Damn! He's back now so I'll catch you guys tomorrow night. Thank you for being there. Need anything from me?

I'm off to bed now - hope tomorrow's a bit brighter - definitely sounds like you need to plan more time out for yourself - your dh will just have to learn how to do the washing machine - practice makes perfect..!

Hiya. DH's always come home early when you're hoping for a MN sanity fix - didn't get near the computer at all yesterday. I've tried everything on him; he either can't hear that I'm desperate for help or doesn't care. I don't actually think it's the latter. So, why is he so u/s? If I really am losing it I tell him & he spends tha next half hour counting the coffee stains on his slippers. Not even a 'mmm-hmh'. A bit aggravating. He does shift work, so we don't get weekends and when he has a break, he's been working & needs to relax so spends all day on the computer. I'll be fighting him for it now! His DC's especially, DD get really left out. I'd hate to make a habit of going out for me time because they'd get yelled at for encroaching on his time. He's not a bad person; just the laziest sodface you'll ever come accross. Can't face another round of ad's - couldn't get off them last time, was ill for weeks. Joy. He'll be home early tonight. Which means he'll come home and play silly buggers on the poot while I race around arranging uniforms, clearing the kitchen, blah. NNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! I'm soooooooo resentful. Christ!! I wish I was hitting rock bottom at least you can push up from there!

Paisleylove you sound incredibly unsupported. And you are blaming yourself for this??

Never mind Dh's stress, etc, it sounds as if he is being extremely selfish imho. Has it always been like this? Do you feel in some way that you are more responsible for the children. I can't tell if you are full time at home or not- of course if you are, that is more than full time work and he should be helping out, but I have noticed that friends who are at home full time seem to take on total responsibility for the children even when their DHs are there. If this is what you are doing and it's making you depressed, than wth has he not noticed?
I bet your children are not considered foul by others (though God knows I understand feeling that way about them) and that you are not actually considered a failure of a mum. People are just so much in denial about emotional pain. I find that because I come across as wacky a lot of the time and have moments of being energetic, but also complain a lot of feeling suicidal et al, people just decide (because it's easier that way for them) to ignore the troubling emotional content of what I say and focus on me being such a funny 'madwoman' for whom things always turn out alright really, and then I want to kill them all (esp my parents and sister. Oh and DH)

I really hope you get to kick DH off the computer soon and get him to do some housework, it sounds like it's about time.

Paisley I have read your wonderful ramblings with much interest, I dont tend to spend a lot of time in here as im very objective and very often want to say completely the wrong thing..... but you sound like an absolutley lovely person. You are so honest. You have a talent for putting your feelings down into words(was gonna put paper, but that would be stupid)

Do people in RL realise how fed up you really are, until you blow a gaskett? you seem so laughy jokey maybe they dont get it, and to be saying "you could be having a paisley day" well that is a bit of a stupid thing for them to say. You have all my sympathies, for what thye are worth. XXX

Hi, I'm back. Hope you lovely people are still out there. Got hit by a major dose of flu. Well... you can imagine what happened!!! Yup. Dragged myself out of bed to sort the washing, ironing, kids etc. Bless him. Up he came to ask what needed doing (pick one of 1000 jobs, my sweet) Wobbled a bit last week & wondered if ad's might give me some respite. Any thoughts? Also took DS, 5, to the dentist. He needed 2 fillings!?! Then I reeeaally felt like the worst parent ever. Stoppinattwo, You're not wrong there!!! Honesty is indeed my biggest failing. I specialise in telling the wrong truths at the wrong time... er... like the time I had to tell my beloved brother his fiancee was foul because noone else would (Edited the bit about calling her the anti-fun!) I'm honest not stupid! I have lovely friends - people I'm open with; but they seem to not be making such a total hash of parenthood as me. Charlieq, no. He's always been like this; but I used to feel that because he was working it was my job to la-la it at home and make it all nice with dinners on the table and all that un pc shite. Thank you so much for what you said. That's exactly how I get treated.
Had a major time out last week had a hot stone massage & rekei(Damn! Can't spell it!)The lovely hubby spent 20 mins of the session frantically ringing my phone to find out if the kids needed feeding!?! Dinner time, Sweetie, you work it out... Ha Ha HA!!! Hope to hear back from you.

Bit twatted on lots of red wine waiting for a friend to deliver a box of belgian chocolates to salve the soul. Serve me right for looking to futher increase my sitting area! Buggrit! When I had flu it took 5 days for me to face eating a small meal(as opposed to what DD calls 'white soup' - ie heinz chicken ick)only to find that I was 10 stone. WHAT?!?! Is that fair????? I should have had a buttock amputated. I've already extorted 2 bottles of wine from my gorgeous friend. One for her pathetic guess that she was heavier than me and another for the pain inflicted for making me get on the scales.