what the hell have i just done?

[diamond457]

Got lost driving to a clients house, realised I was fifteen mins late and I drove home. Complete panic and melt down. Haven't called anyone.

I left the job I loved after three years due to years of bullying. It was horrendous and I had no option but to leave. Messy and complicated. I am a really hard worker, really reliable and hate been late.
Due to leaving in such a manner I was desperate for a job so I applied for a care job....for all the wrong reasons.
I hate it. I mean really hate it. Struggling with the personal care aspect, some houses are disgusting. I tend to spend my day walking around the shopping centre doddling because that is what they want to do. I'm not great with people and I used to work with animals before this.
Was very good at my job and I was passionate about it.
This job isn't for me at all and I had to force myself out the house this morning. When I was driving around wasting petrol I got annoyed, realised I was late, panicked and somehow talked myself out of not going.

I was shadowing so haven't just left someone sitting there may I add. I don't feel good about it.
Anxiety has gotten out of control and I'm struggling to cope.
I applied for my dream job the other day and I'm praying I get it. I just want to feel normal again, work hard like everyone else and lead a normal life.

I dunno what to do now but I don't think I can go back to this job.

Sounds like you have got yourself into a bit of a pickle OP! Can you call into work and tell them you suddenly felt ill and have had to go home? Then they won't be wondering where you are for the rest of the day. That could give you a bit of breathing space to think about things more clearly.

Then, if you really hate the job in care, I personally don't think you should force yourself to do it. Apart from making yourself miserable I think that the clients you work for (often vulnerable people) deserve good care, which they won't get from someone just going through the motions and hating every second. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you say yourself that it's not for you, so don't force yourself to do it. There are other jobs.

Are you getting treatment for your anxiety at all?

No you are right they don't deserve that at all. It's not that I don't care but I am Not suited to the job. I thought I could do it but I just can't. Unfortunately that's why the care industry is in trouble. You say the right words and you've got the job, simple as that. I thought I could give it a go and honestly thought I would find it rewarding but I dont.
I was on treatment, I stopped taking it because it doesn't really help.
I'm finding it really hard just now, I think I need to go back.
When I'm very anxious it's like fight or flight, and I always choose flight. I feel like I've let everyone down including myself. All I want to do is work, do a good job and have me back again. Think I left me down the gutter a while ago .

OP how are you feeling today? I didn't mean to say that you don't deserve the job, more that if it's not benefitting you or the clients then it's a lose-lose situation. Would it be worth seeing your GP to discuss further treatment options? Not every treatment works for everyone, but there might be something that can help you. Anxiety sucks so anything that can improve it is worth the effort

I could have written your post OP, I always choose flight too.

Can you go back to your GP and ask for some talking therapy? I've found that its helped me to understand why I "hide" from situations like this.

Don't be too hard on yourself

Thank you both of you. I know spur, but you are right it's a lose lose situation. I have my probation meeting tomorrow and I'm going to tell them the truth about how I feel and I don't intend to go back. I wasn't given a contract so I'm just going to leave. Feel bad for the company but it's the right thing to do.
I think yesterday was a big wake up call. Things aren't great and I need some medication again. I took some herbal st John's wart today and I feel a bit better. Blitzed the house as yesterday I let it fall to pieces and ordered a Chinese for comfort.
I just can't believe what I did. All I had to do was ring the company for directions but I went into melt down, obviously not because I was lost but b cause I really don't want the job.
God knows what I will do now other than apply for more jobs. I just fear that if I end up with a job I don't like again I will go into melt down. I can't keep doing this. I know if I get the job I applied for that I really want I will be fine. I suppose time will tell.