I don't know what's happening - Anxiety

[pouncehill]

I gave birth to DS nearly a year ago (a year in three weeks to be exact).
My pregnancy was awful and I suffered horrendously from depression and anxiety. I never got this treated whilst I was pregnant as I just couldn't face going to a GP and talking about what was happening in my head.
I had a horrible birth and was in hospital for a week afterwards. The depression and anxiety grew worse until I agreed to go to a GP as long as DP came with me. I was then put on anti depressants.
I was on them for a while but they made me so so tired and I felt like it was just making me feel numb to my feelings and not helping. So I came off of them. Slowly over time I started to feel slightly better and no longer felt so awful anymore.
However the past few months have been the worst times of my life. I won't go into detail but police involved regarding family and a horrific death of a friend witnessed by my DP.

Now here's where my real point starts. I don't feel as depressed as I did post natal. However my anxiety is at an all time high. I'm constantly terrified of everything. I'm scared I'm going to die, I'm scared my DP or my DS is going to die.
I can not be left on my own in the house once it's dark outside as it completely petrifies me to the point I had a panic attack the other day.
I feel sick at the thought of getting into a car or walking across roads on my own. I feel like this is because of the death of a friend (was run over by a Lorry) has somehow impacted me more than I had thought.
I'm so scared I don't have long left to live. I just have this gut feeling that something is going to happen to me soon. I don't know why.
I feel sick at the thought of going out the house most days. I avoid seeing my friends as I just can't engage in a conversation.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is anxiety or what.

I'm sorry for the rant my heads just working over time and it's really scaring me.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I can certainly relate to some parts. I really think you need some CBT to unravel all these thoughts and feelings. It really is a miracle cure. Can you contact IAPT? It's all free. If you can't then I would definitely find a way to pay for it.

I've thought about some kind of counselling but I just don't think I'm ready for that. Plus I have no idea if I'd need to pay or what. Up until I fell pregnant I had a very sheltered life and was rarely down and remember always being happy. I mourn for those days. I want them back. I just want me back

Sorry about the death of your friend, and that you are going through this awful time. I don't think it is unusual to have such a strong reaction to a sudden and unexpected death, perhaps especially if the person was not that old. It is completely normal to think "what if that was me/DP".

I would second counselling or CBT. If you can't face your GP check out whether there is a local branch of mind offering help. You may have to pay but it is cheaper than going private. Your health visitor might also be able to refer you.

Don't feel you have to struggle on without help.

What ads were you on? Perhaps you should try another type. Citalopram made me a sleepy zombie but the others didn't have that effect. You can't continue like this.

LiviNinaBox I guess I know really I should get some counselling, I just am petrified to talk to someone. I only talk to my DP and recently have been shutting him out. I only feel able to talk openly on here as I can remain anon iyswim.

JimJams for the life of me I cant remember the name. It began with a P I think (I haven't slept well in the past few months thanks to DS and my memory has suffered). I remember it being a low dose and GP wanted to up my dosage but I came off them all together as I felt I didn't need them.

Well I hate being on tablets but I really do think you need to help yourself here and see your gp. You can move forward and out of this. The tablets will make the cbt bearable. Please Google iapt.