15 years ago today I went for dinner with 4 of my closest friends. We had a lovely evening, good food, plenty of wine and great company. I was 20 years old and it was the first time I'd felt happy in months, possibly years. Somehow that opened up a pit of sorrow and despair. I went home, took a massive overdose of antidepressants and sleeping tablets and self harmed. My housemate found me the following afternoon when she tried to wake me for work.
I was sectioned, put on meds and stayed in hospital until I could convince the doctors I was not a risk to myself.
I have spent the last 15 years dealing with depression and anxiety and whilst I have never again reached the lows I reached that night I never feel it is very far away.
Every couple of years I have a relapse and end up back on medication. I seem unable to cope with normal emotions I just find them completely overwhelming. It's like I feel everything too much. When I'm happy it's like nothing can touch me but when the sad, empty feelings creep in I can't imagine ever feeling joy again. At the moment my mood is swinging viciously between these extremes and despite trying to address it I feel once again that my illness is taking over. 