Oh no, sorry, didnt edit that very well. Sorry.
I meant to add, although I understand a lot more now (and really wish someone could have guided me/explained some things to me earlier in life!), there are still so many things that don't add up for me, in terms of how people behave/have behaved. For example, there's things people have done that have really hurt, confused, or frightened me that have been unexpected, don't appear to be fair or make sense, and so on. I'm better at spotting and walking away from abusive men now, but in friendships and other situations things have happened that are to me unexpected and appear out of alignment with what I knew about the person/their views. I feel like I can't stop the past hurting or stop being scared of people until I can understand and have a sensible narrative for these situations (only narrative in brain is that I'm shit and somehow people know I'm not worth treating the same as others and can use me as a scapegoat).
There are also things where people in general seem to act a certain way or hold a certain view, but randomly contradict themselves in a parallel situation. I tend to fall between these cracks... What I mean is, these contradictions don't matter to others, but they are relevent to my life. It matters to me to understand because it informs how I act, and also how I view myself.
The only example I can think of to explain it is this: I saw a GP (this is ages ago) who was very critical and dismissive about my MH issues, confirming the part of my mind that says I'm a waste of space, worthless, malingering etc. Afterwards, I was recommended the same GP by a friend with MH issues, who described him as very supportive, keen to sign him off work a bit to recover etc. Now in this situation, I think the GP is sexist (assuming I'm just a moaning woman whilst male patient is to be taken seriously) and also has a certain viewpoint formed in his position, with his training (and lack of certain training) and experiences, and differences in myself and other guy's situation. So I can come up with a narrative other than "I'm shit and worthless".
But the sort of contradictions that happen in real life are sort of awkward, you're not supposed to bring them up, and of course if you're in the middle of it you don't know how to act, where you may have done something wrong or hold an erroneous viewpoint, or where someone is actually being a dick or taking advantage. In addition, these things always seem to be a sort of mysterious group decision, where of course everyone knows and goes along with the contradictions but it's not clear why.
Another example of how it feels is this: When I was growing up, I had body image issues. I heard/read stuff about how I needed to be "body confident" blah blah, whilst simultaneously hearing/reading stuff about danger of being overweight, how problem was getting worse acrosss the country etc. So I didn't know how to think, feel act, - was I supposed to despise myself, do anything to be thinner? Or reassure myself I was beautiful? Obviously this particular contradition came from different sources, and there' a happy medium focussing on health, not size... I am over that one now.
BUT... it's the same sort of anxious, sick, confused and frightened feeling I have almost all the time now. Am I a waste of space? Am I just ill? Should I reassure my "inner child" and talk to myself kindly, or is that indulging myself and I should kick myself up the backside? I don't know what to think, feel, how to act... I don't know how to be.
Sorry this post is really long, it's the first time i've articulated that. Actually feel a bit better now I've written it out.