Hello :
I've had a really hard year, spent five of the last twelve months as an inpatient and another four as a day patient. Diagnosed originally as bipolar with rapid cycling but diagnosis changed to schizo-affective disorder after I had a couple of very scary psychotic episodes without symptoms of mania.
I'm on a lot of medication and on one hand it's changed my life by making the voices quieter, reduced the mood swings, stopped me self harming etc. But it drains me. I feel slow and sleepy all the time and I worry that it's always going to be like this. The psych team don't want to reduce medication as I am "more stable" but I am so scared for the future.
I'm supposed to be restarting my PhD in September albeit from home and still attending the day hospital at least once a week but I'm terrified of not coping. It's like I've been so ill in the last year that it's only now that I can start worrying about the day to day reality of living with this.
I don't want to live like this but I don't want to be ill either. I feel so useless. Everyone tells me that it takes time but I don't have time. I'm stuck back living with my parents. Last week I was supposed to go to see a friend a train ride away but I got so stressed that I cancelled. I few so pathetic, a few years ago I was living alone abroad and now I am completely dependant on my parents.
I'm just so scared of the uncertainty and feel like my life is slipping away. This all brings back the suicidal thoughts in that I wonder whether I want to continue if it's going to be like this.
Sorry for the rant...