Don't know what to do - hit myself and dh lost it

[anon1978]

I have depression and my switch flipped today. Various things happened and started slapping myself. I haven't done it before but just wasted a lot of money on installing the wrong window and really hate myself for making this stupid mistake. Dh just watched me and said he didn't know what to do, said I'm never happy. I said i need to get some sleep, haven't had more than 4-5 hours a night for 20 months since dd born, I said at least if I was dead I would get a rest. I know it's not a good thing to say but I couldn't stop myself in that moment.

Then dh went mad, started kicking and smacking things all round the house, picked up a shoe and hit himself. His teeth and fists were clenched and his eyes went all bloodshot, there was foam on his mouth, it was frightening, and he said he can't take it anymore. Tried to calm him down but he told me not to touch him and flung himself out the house. He's been dismissive of my depression before but not angry.

I am very worried about him, he looked so angry and I'm worried he might burst a blood vessel or something. Also feel wired and worried on my own account as usually I get depressed over a period not all at once.

What do I do? Can't go looking for him as kids asleep upstairs. This is more than just a bad day, isn't it?

I'm sorry you feel so bad and I'm sorry for your husband, too. It's very hard to live with someone who's depressed - you feel inadequate to help and feel as though your own problems are sidelined.

Are you having treatment for depression? Lack of sleep is a massive factor in depression - what causes your lack of sleep? Does your daughter keep waking up or do you lie awake worrying?

Are you both under the care of a GP?? Your lack I'd sleep is worrying in itself and you need to speak to your GP to manage that.

Clearly he has issues and struggling to cope and seeing you harm yourself just went il him over the edge. Not placing blame at all but both of you have a responsibility to your child to treat and manage your mental health - this is from a person who has suffered severe depression and anxiety for over 10 years.

Leave him be to cool down and book an appt first thing

Oh it sounds like you both had a melt down together. Sounds like DH has had a lot of pent up emotions. Can I ask how long you've had depression - I suffer too so I know the torment and I'm fortunate that my kids are all grown and have families of their own, and we're both retired. I often think it would be very different if the kids were young and living here.

You are definitely sleep deprived - does DH not take a turn with the baby at night, or early waking. Just noticed you say kids, so more than the 20 month old? I honestly don't know how you young mothers cope with depression and caring for young children.

I think your DH just reached a point (like a head of steam building up) where he lost control momentarily and did the right thing by going out of the house. He'll be back for sure but how you go on from here............any chance that you could talk when you've both calmed down.

thanks Imperial, my daughter is still breast-feeding and wakes up and my 5 year old son can be hard work. My dh took on a new job when she was three weeks old, he works in catering so not well paid but very long hours until late at night so although we keep trying to wean her at least at night i end up just feeding her to keep her quiet. i work full time and because I leave a bit early to get the kids etc I end up working at night so that keeps me up late sometimes too.

I'm not having treatment for depression atm, I've been doing pretty well. It's just come on this week, I feel really irritable and anxious and like I hate myself and everyone else does too. I'm normally just down and tired when I'm depressed, this feels a bit different.

I think my dh does feel inadequate to help but tbh I don't talk much to him about it because he's not there in the evenings to talk to and in any case he is impatient with it.

Thanks Crazy and Nana, crossed my first reply with your posts. My lack of sleep is just down to being interrupted by kids, no sign of insomnia until just last night when I started feeling wired. DH agreed to start taking turn with dd at night about three weeks ago because I want to wean her at least at night, but he's so knackered i tend to take her from 5 am or so. I know I'm tired, I keep getting distressing thoughts when I'm at work about things happening to the kids, it's exhausting.

Tbh dh and I have been talking about separating for some time and I think this is probably the final straw, we don't have the energy to be there for each other in a crisis. Been trying to stay together for the kids but think it will be better for them not to feel the tension and disappointment.

He's still not back. I hope he is not ill or picking a fight!

Yes but not insomnia- lack of sleep aggravates depressive feelings. Your distressing thoughts are also something that should be discussed with your GP.

Clearly there is more to this if you are thinking of separation.

Bless you, sweetie, I think you need to concentrate on yourself and DC. I have been there with lack of sleep, FT job and working during the night to get it all done. It is not sustainable and if you and your husband are not on the same page, that will make it worse. Of course you are down and hurting, you are exhausted and still going.

Get yourself a GP appointment and signed off for a week or two and get some sleep. The world will still turn. When you have had some rest, then think about what medical help and therapy you need, and your relationship.

It could be that he's frustrated that he doesn't know how to help you feel better. I get like that when my husband gets emotional. It's hard to watch because you want to help but there is nothing you can really do. I could see how if he got emotional regularly, I could have a hard time remaining supportive and become more dismissive and angry.

i understand that little, but this is the first time i have ever hurt myself, and he just sat there and watched, for minutes. he wouldn't watch a stranger and not do something, so why me? i don't know what i feel right now tbh. i'd really quite like to fling myself out of the house too but obviously not an option!

cocoa a sleep week sounds lovely, i wonder if things would look different after that.

I don't know if things will look different, but you might be able to think more clearly what to do. It sounds like you have been coping for a long time, and you really needed someone to just hold you, not give you vein-popping anger because you cracked.

You can't stay together for the kids. I wonder how much your depression is linked to your marital issues?

I used to think if I was dead, I would get some rest' too, by the way. That is because it feels relentless and you are exhausted. Listen to your body