I just feel like a loser

[honeyandmarmitesandwiches]

Not sure if mental health is completely the right place to post this but as I do struggle with general and social anxiety and generally feeling very low a lot of the time I thought I would.

Had been on antidepressant / anti anxiety pills for about three years after having DS and realising I wasn't coping, didn't want him growing up around an unstable mum screeching and crying all the time and flying off the handle at him. Recently I split from my partner which is absolutely the right decision, I've also come off my tablets (was on a low dose lately and just tailed them off) as I felt they were numbing me which was helpful for a while but wanted to feel more like myself.

Seems to have worked ok but what with living back with my parents age almost thirty, feeling angry a lot of the time, have lost someone close to me recently and job getting increasingly stressful...I just feel so negative atm.

I look back at my life and at myself now and all I can seem to see is this loser. I've put on weight, I don't have the life I thought I'd have and don't think I'm a brilliant mum, I'm convinced nobody I would find attractive would ever look at me really. Even if they did my track record would indicate I may not be able to maintain a relationship anyway. And having had a baby, got piles and stretch marks etc my sexual confidence is gone too.

My social life is crap and my social anxiety just makes me feel so bad around other people, I can't do small talk at all and just feel like people must think I'm weird and uninteresting. I'm bad and building/maintaining friendships and just feel lonely but probably got myself to blame for that.

I struggle hugely with the practicalities of day to day life, with getting myself going, with having the energy to cope with normal demands.

I'm always getting worked up about things that probably don't matter hugely, I just don't seem to be good at being happy.

I know it probably sounds like standard depression and anxiety but the thing is, I've been like this as long as I can remember and just can't seem to find a way out. The medication helped with the extreme end of my symptoms which aren't a problem now but it's not like they made me 'happy', only I can do that and I don't really know how.

It's difficult because I feel like the issues I've had have blighted things for so long that I haven't had many of the normal good experiences that other people have iykwim. I hid myself away from so much as I couldn't cope. So my confidence is even lower as a result of that and I feel I have little to offer as I can't relate to others as well and vice versa.

Can anyone offer any advice? I don't think I'm clinically depressed as such just not happy and don't know how to get stronger and become the person I wish I was.

I knw it is not good to tell someone they are wrong..... especially when they are talking about depression........ . but...

Reading what you have written it does look as if you are clinically depressed... not may be but are...

The best help I can suggest is to seek help.

Could you pay for brief solution focused therapy? Or life coaching?

Thanks, that might be a good idea. I'm actually having some counselling atm trying to come to terms with a few things from my past and how it's led to where I am now. Just feeling very turbulent atm, I really don't think it's clinical depression although reading back my post I absolutely see the depressive thinking going on. I was having a bad day (month actually), feeling a bit more hopeful now. I get so frustrated though because living at home with my parents at this stage feels like such a failure, like I should be out in the world living my life and providing a good home for my son. He likes it here but it's unsettling as we've had to move a couple of times since he was born due to issues with where we were renting. I want to get to the point where I feel we have a real home, with roots somewhere but don't know if I should go closer to work or stay within easy reach of my parents as managing totally on my own feels like it could be a nightmare.
Got to apply for schools in November and I'm stressing so much about where we'll be. Hate the fact that renting is my only option too as it's so impermanent but that is just me feeling sorry for myself.
I just have this massive feeling of being untethered somehow, I'm such a homebody and this last few years since being pregnant and having my son we've gone from pillar to post and that makes me miserable. Poor DS.

Kids are OK with being moved as long as they feel safe and secure, which your son is. Sounds like your parents are a great support. My DS is 13 and he is in his 6th house since his was born due to moving for jobs etc. I had that school worry as well I just wanted to know where we would end up without moving again. I have never had family near me and it is a pain having no one to leave kids with, etc. So I don't see anything wrong with you being with your parents. Give yourself a chance. One step at a time. You are still young. You have set a lot of high standards for yourself. Our brains do do that comparison thing where we seem to fall short of these high expectations we have of ourselves. You are doing the best for yourself and your son it sounds like, so don't try to look too far onto the future. You sound as if you are putting pressure on yourself. No one else is pointing the finger at you. There is no invisible audience judging you. You could make a deal with yourself to drop the self judgement for maybe 4 weeks and see how that goes. Just take a holiday from trying to be this great person that does everything right. You are doing enough and you are doing it plenty right enough for now.

Thanks sadie that was such a nice message and spot on actually, I'm always putting pressure on myself and I do need to stop. The moving around is difficult but it's reassuring to read that you've been in the same situation and your DS is (presumably) not badly affected by it.