Bottom line: MH not great, sexually abused as child, a sociopathic drug-addict with anorexia and border line personality disorder.
Three days ago, i lost out on chance of a promotion because other candidate's old boss was on panel and coached him a few hours before. I have tons of experience and treated it like a comptency-based interview, was in for an hour. Other candidate comes out after fifteen minutes with the job - no experience, though. I was called back in to be told I should possibly look at another career!
I had to drive along a busy stretch of motorway in tears to get home. Feel emotionally dead inside, like a failure and need constant distraction because I feel I'm alternating between mania and dysthymia. Went out for a drive tonight, laughed hysterically and felt like cutting my throat or stabbing myself. I couldn't do it because I'm a coward, and it would devastate my mum. The new job was the only way I can afford to keep my car and have money left over. My emotions swell and rage before I feel empty. In the dark silence of night, my macabre thoughts are most intense and I laugh or cry, or sometimes both.
I terrified of hospitals and compulsory treatment orders. I see my future as living in penury, a complete fraud with no real feelings for anyone but myself.