Husband fed up of my issues

[Orchidflower1]

I've had anxiety at a semi manageable level for a long time. Dh was aware of this and has been patient over the 18.5 years we've been a couple. Recently - last 5 weeks or so anxiety has been terrible. Struggling to leave the house. Have tried anti depressants but made it even worse. Gp has referred for cbt but whilst I'm waiting, paid to see a councillor for first time last week. Have been trying really hard to put into place things she suggested. Earlier in the week I said to dh and chn that we would go to park / woods as family today and then maybe for lunch. When it came to it I just didn't feel up to it- this time last week I was barely leAving my bed do maybe s rather high goal. The point is dh was fuming that we didn't go out saying he's fed up of me being odd and he is going to do what he wants etc etc. he has said stuff like this in the past - saying he feels trapped etc but then says he is just cross and wouldn't leave. I have tried really hard over the last few days to battle the anxiety. Have got up, dressed - made meals, laundry ok not mum of the year material but much more than a week ago. I feel like my dh is expecting miracles but I'm just not ready. What shall I do? Sorry for a long post. I'm embarrassed and ashamed I'm letting my family down.

Hi Orchid, well done for going to the bottom of the garden .
I don't know if you are unreasonable as I have never been in your situation. I agree with gamerchick: it must be very frustrating for your husband. Hope all goes well for you.

Could he still go on the break with the children? A bit of space might do him good.

Thanks ionane,

Yes he has decided he is still going and taking ds. Dd hasn't decided if she wants to go. I said she can decide at the end of the week- I don't want her to feel she has to choose. Thanks for all the support.

Sympathise with your husband, I'm afraid - it must be so worrying and stressful for him, having to look after the dc, wonder about how you are, and keep everything going.

I know he promised to love you in sickness and in health but if you've been this anxious, and unable to leave the house, it must put an awful lot of stress on him. If you've suffered anxiety for 18.5 years, he may be at the end of his tether, and saying things he doesn't mean out of sheer frustration.

How much support do you give him when you're feeling anxious?

What happened five weeks ago? Why could you not leave the house? Something must have triggered it?

So it seems you're off work Orchid - is it a stressful job - and it doesn't seem like you are anywhere near ready to go back. I know people are sympathising with your DH but I think unless you are/have suffered a mental illness you can't have any idea of the torment or the sufferer. I think someone asked what you were afraid OF - the answer to that is fear of fear because that's what anxiety is - fear. And it's made worse because you don't know why you feel like this and are pretty much helpless when it has you in its grip. I've been in situations when I've wondered how I was going to get from the bed to the bathroom. With me it's depression really and that is a torment too.

SO I think DH should try harder to understand and be thankful that it isn't him that's suffering a mental illness. And as for saying he might find someone else, that's just horrid. Yes it takes its toll on a r/ship especially when you have children but just because you don't have anything to show e.g. a plaster cast it doesn't mean you are nor suffering badly. He talks about you not trying but that is only going to raise your anxiety level. It's a shame your DD is troubled by what's happening, but she can't help that can she, and it sounds mostly like she is upset at you being upset. Is DS a bit older.

Hope things ease up for you over time Orchid and DH can get some understanding of how much you are suffering. Get him to look at the MIND website on anxiety.

It's very obvious that you have never had the misfortune to suffer a mental illness CQ - I find your post totally lacking in a smidgeon of empathy for the OP. You ask how she supports her DH when she is anxious. If only you knew that sometimes breathing is difficult, let alone supporting someone!

I can answer your Qs you put to Orchid - 5 weeks ago she took on a job that was very stressful and given her background of anxiety, it tipped her over the edge. She couldn't leave the house because she's suffering from a mental illness - (see my post above) Of course you can't understand how anyone cannot leave the house because you've never been in that position but believe me the fear is very real. Mental illness can be triggered in those who suffer from it for a variety of reasons, a stressful job in this case.

I really deplore the ignorance of some people on this thread and realise that the stigma of mental illness is alive and well, despite some of the charities like MIND and RE-THINK trying to educate people in the hope that the stigma will be reduced. AND CQ mental illness affects 1 in 4 people - so you never know who will be next.

NanaNina - it is precisely because I have had an anxiety problem that I can ask how the op's husband has coped for the 18 YEARS she has been anxious!!

Can you imagine how it feels to be supporting someone with a MH problem for 18 years, then being told you can never expect any support from your partner, because of their anxiety?

If you have so much empathy towards people with MH problems, then how about having some toward people in a relationship with someone with an MH problem?

Morning ladies- please don't be criss with each other. My anxiety cq has been ongoing but it has not been at this intensity before. Dh has said sorry this morning for some hurtful things - he said he feels I'm not making progress. Before he went to work we went for a walk ( 10 min) when we got in he said well done. Did breathing and tried to be mindful on walk. Pleased with self. I'm going to try to do more but I think dh also needs to be patient. X

Cross not criss in first line - sorry

Brill for the walk. Small steps. I tell myself each one is a step in the right direction. My head is quite 'foggy' this morning but thinking mine is due to lack of sleep as dd was ill in the night and ended up in my bed which meant I did not sleep well. This is when mine is at its worst. And now im tired I've had coffee which I try to stay away from so probably aggravating it further. Doh!

Thanks for reply goodmm - hope your dd is better soon. I'm just the same with coffee- makes my heart race and it doesn't need much help to do that! Having anxiety is exhausting at the best of times. Xx

Yes it is. Thank you. She seems much better today. Still not quite herself though but definitely on the mend.

Just have to wait in for a parcel today so dont actually have to do too much today luckily.

Have you thought of changing your job to find something easier on yourself that carries no stress? Perhaps finding a part time job that wont make you feel under pressure all the time? Maybe less money but better all round. You havent mentioned a hobby or a passion that makes you feel a release. Do you like to travel further afield and like to walk up a mountain where no other people are around just to clear the find and get the blood pumping. What about a quiet beach?

Do you live in the city - could you consider moving out to the country where less noise and more solace?

Have you looked at diet and food choices. I find by eating less carbs, no alcohol and loads of veg/salads stops me from feeling sluggish. I'm actually low carb mainly organic and def believe this lifestyle change with being more active has helped me enormously.

I do feel for your husband it must be very hard to see you like this he also wants to enjoy life too.

Thanks for your reply bacon. ive decided that when I'm well enough to go back to work I'm only going to do part time. Discussed it with dh and we decided we'd rather live on beans on toast and be a bit happier! I think I need to find a hobby that I can really get into, I've been so busy / stressed with work then anxious that I didn't have time for anything other than flopping in front of the tv. My dh loves to garden so I'm going to try and join him with that- would also give us something to do together. Over the last few days I've been knitting too- not terribly glam but I like the rhythm and soothing motion of knitting. Dh has been online today to read up more on anxiety - he feels better for that.

It's good that your dh is reading up on things. Do you think you could do the same and read up on what it's like to support someone with long term mental health conditions. It could really help for you both to look at the others perspective.

Hi Orchid

It sounds like we're in a very similar boat, though I have only been struggling with anxiety and depression for the past couple of years. But because it came and went I have been able to deal with it quite well.

But like you, suddenly about 6 weeks ago it got much, much worse and the anxiety really increased to the point where I suddenly didn't want to leave the house. These last 6 weeks have been a living Hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Having said that I have forced myself to keep leaving the house, maybe 3-4 times per week but I dread it, and am always very keen to get home again. DH and I went out for lunch on Monday, and yesterday I went with him to his office and did a few hours of filing for him. But I'm just enduring it. And when I get home I realise I am really just walking back into a safe prison

But, it sounds like you are slowly, but surely improving, and have come quite far in just a couple of weeks. so very well done. I totally get the fear of heading out for the day, even if you have planned to do something really nice. Basically when the anxiety has you in its grip then nothing feels nice, and all you are capable of feeling is a jittery fear and dread.

Today, we're going out for a drive in the country and a picnic. I am dreading it, but will go along with it, and just endure each moment until we can come home again. Though funnily enough, I am quite happy 'safe' in the car, being driven, I just don't like getting out. But I keep forcing myself to go through with it, because my CPN insists it's really important to keep pushing yourself to do it, else I really will end up totally housebound, and then hating myself for it.

I think your DH must love you very much, and that he is only speaking out of frustration and concern for you, rather than genuine annoyance. The fact he has read up about anxiety shows that he is still engaged with you and actively wants to help and understand more. These are not the actions of a husband who doesn't care, or might be on the verge of leaving.

Also, could it be that he was trying a 'short, sharp, shock treatment' in the hope it might snap you out of it? Totally the wrong approach, I know, but he wasn't to know that. My DH has been really lovely and supportive (but it's only been 6 weeks for him) but he tried something similar a couple of weeks ago. Threatened to go and book into a hotel, and leave me to it, and for about half a day just ignored me totally. But when I broke down he realised that I just can't snap myself out of it, and that this is genuine. It was like demanding a person with a broken leg run a half marathon.

I am thinking of you, and keep posting

Hi * psion , well done for going out in the picnic today. I'm trying really hard to keep going doing little things eg putting recycling out, taking washing out. I've booked more private counciilling for next week so hopefully that will help. I've got my mum coming to stay later - I always find this really stressful even when I've been better. My house needs tidying and I will do some but I'm not going to stress of its not all done in just going to say to my mum I've not been up to doing it and dh is busy doing everything else! My mum is VERY house proud and normally makes me feel my house is not right but I'm just going to let it go- I need to get better. Dh phoned a little while ago to see how I was.

Yes I too love being in the car. Being driven around is completely fine. Its the getting out and walking about after part I cant cope with. Did a mini shop by myself in iceland and didnt have a panic attack so that was good.

Well done gooodm - you should be proud of yourself. X

Hi all just thought I'd let you all know I have walked and posted a letter and collected my prescription- rather than having it delivered. I went with someone but still really pleased. Shattered now though but pleased 👍

Those that are being harsh towards the DH, his mental health IS clearly affected by trying to support a spouse with anxiety for 18.5 years. Some of you are being very black and white about the impact on him and any aspirations he may have had for family life.

I would say if he's still around after 18.5 years of this then he is and has been patient and supportive and OP needs to acknowledge that he has CLEARLY reached his own breaking point.

OP it's a very difficult situation for BOTH of you to get through and painting or allowing others to paint your husband as the bad guy isn't going to help. It's just going to push you into separate corners.

You BOTH need strategies, support, outside help etc to get through this.

That's really good. Big achievement. Xx