It's been a hell of a week. I hope if I write it all down I might feel better, but I have spent the last two days feeling sick to my stomach, constantly on the verge of tears, unable to sleep and very anxious. I just want to feel better.
I got my period this week, which in itself makes me feel pretty crappy. But this has been another month of not being successful in conceiving, we have been trying 16 months. I also found out through the grapevine that a friend is expecting, and while I am desperate to be pleased for her, I am very angry and bitter. This is a woman who I opened up to about our difficulties, and she shared in return about how herself and her partner were also unable to conceive their third baby. It then conspired that they had been trying for three months, and I felt like she was completely minimising our issues by comparing our situations as the same 
Low and behold, she now is having her baby and she had no issues after all.
I also had my appraisal/annual performance review in work. And overall it was positive, but I can't let go of the [fairly minor] negative points which were brought up. I was also taking the opportunity during the meeting to advise my manager on the infertility issues as it is getting to the stage in our treatment where appointments will be more regular, and my workplace is pretty inflexible for getting time off without giving plenty notice, which I am not sure I will always be able to. I had been so nervous about having to discuss this, that I could not engage or focus on my review, and I think I came across as uninterested. When I did mention the infertility issues, my manager only seemed focused on the effect this would have on the work place and asked about how much notice I should get for appointments. When I advised that it did vary on depending on what it was for, it was just very awkward. For other managers, I can expect that type of response, but this is a woman who I have worked closely with for over 4 years, who came to my wedding, we chat about personal lives and we have things in common. To be honest, I felt pretty shit after disclosing something so huge in my life without any sort of concern for the effect it is having on me.
On top of all this, I have a DH who also seems to not care. I am not the best at talking about things when I an feeling anxious, but I recognise that I change. I am not the talkative, cheerful person I usually am. But every night this week when I have been home from work, he has not been trying to start conversation or asking how I am. He's been preoccupied with playing computer games, like he usually is.
I just feel pretty shit. I have no motivation to do the things that usually make me feel happy. I thought I would feel better having got through the week, and having the weekend to look forward to. But even that is filling me with dread. I have arranged to meet with a friend tomorrow to take my mind off things, but when I think about it now, I think I will have a few drinks and completely break down, as that is my mindset at the moment. I want to go and have a nice time. I want to feel better.