6 years ago my DD was born and for 20 months my life was awful. I shouted at her, said horrible things to her, put her into her cot to rough, I was horrible to my DH. He has put up with so much crap. My DS was born and I instantly realised that my feelings for him made it quite clear that I had an emotional problem with DD. God help me, she is amazing. Clever, funny, beautiful and I am ruining my chances of having a healthy relationship with her. I have been to the GP, told that I am tired (due to DD not sleeping) and that I will be ok. Was told that by two GPs that I am not depressed and in their opinion I will be fine.
Why, oh why do I shout and scream at my DD, DS and DH so much. One moment I am fine and at the other, at the most stupid of things, I am flying about in a rage, throwing clothes and stuff ( even the laundry basket once) and saying horrible and hurtful things. I hate myself so much. I look in the mirror and I see a fat, wrinkle lined face looking back at me. I sound like my mother and sister.
All I want is to be able to keep calm and enjoy my kids. I work in two jobs, I have a nice house but needs work done to it. I drive a nice car. I don't take drugs or drink too much and I don't smoke. I don't have an abusive partner and although I have been molested as a child (nobody knows this ladies & gentlemen) I think that this has nothing to do with my crappy behaviour.
I can not have this conversation or relate what I am writing to anybody, I simply can not say what I need to say. I end up pretending its ok and agreeing with any stuff they say to me.
Am I crazy? Bipolar? Depressed? .......... do I walk out, give up, would that make my children's life better or worse? I don't want to hurt anybody too much so I have decided that taking my life is not the solution. Thinking about interning myself into a mental hospital but maybe they will turn me away too and tell me I am ok. Am I ok?
I don't know just don't want to hurt anybody anymore........