Is this an odd way to think and feel?

[Eternallyconfused]

Not sure if this is the right place but as none of this feels 'normal' --whatever that is— I'm taking a guess at it being a MH issue. I have also NC as I'm known by some MNers in RL.
I also apologise if it’s a ramble! I'm not sure how to phrase this as I have never spoken of it.
I'm just curious as to whether others get these feelings and how common or uncommon it is.
I have never felt like I'm part of the grown up world. Although nearly 50 years old, married with adult DC (DH is 16 years older than me too, but I'm his carer, he has no idea of the way I feel, but he is used to me wanting to run around and act a bit childish) I still feel I'm of a child like state. I feel like I'm living a total lie being an adult.
I have been told I give off a vulnerable air at times but at other times very competent and mature but then it feels like I'm acting a part rather than being me. I found out after having a personal issue that one or two people wanted ‘to look after me’ lol
I'm often referred to as ‘littleEternal’ even though I'm a grandmother!
I hate the responsibilities of being an adult, which is ridiculous when that’s exactly what I am and do. I function on a day to day basis but again because I have to and it is expected but it feels like I'm pretending to be a grown up.
I struggle to engage naturally in friendships. The only friends I have are those who say they are friends but actually I have to make all the running or would never see anyone. I have lots of acquaintances at work but am never part of the groups that socialize.
Weirdly I do get strong attachments to odd individuals, often authority figures, they aren't friends and I'm not attracted to them, there is no physical/sexual attraction, in fact, it feels more like looking for someone to ‘look after’ me in a parental way. I have managed to keep a lid on it and don’t think they have ever realized. For the last few years I have been attached to my manager. She is leaving soon and I'm feeling almost abandoned. She has unwittingly fed this over the years –very maternal-- and now I'm dreading her not being the ‘adult figure’ in my life.
When I'm stressed it gets worse as I seem to retreat into the child world.
I also get feelings of being very detached from what’s around me. It feels like a bubble around me, or a goldfish bowl feeling.
Some days, like today, I find these feelings embarrassing, awkward, inappropriate and ludicrous and on other days I just go with the flow and generate almost a fantasy world in my head where I am still a child.
Some days I want to be part of the grown up world, other days I just want to be the way I am.

Yep! It's just me then!

No real words of advice I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run. Sounds like a coping mechanism for anxiety perhaps? IKWYM though about feeling child-like - sometimes I feel like I'm winging it pretending to be a competent adult when I really just feel the opposite.

I do feel similar actually and agree that it probably is due to anxiety (I have anxiety and depression). Have you thought about counselling? It was amazingly helpful for me.

Thank you for your comments...I think I would struggle to verbalise it to be honest. I struggled to write it out..and reading it it does sound silly.

I think you may be right about anxiety as it seems heightened when I'm stressed and my life recently is stressful.

It also feels like it is part of me too..Just as I said..I'm just pretending in life to be a competent adult!

I used to get child-like feelings and wanted to be looked after but not persistently. It could definitely be a coping mechanism, or I know it sounds fluffy but you might need to do some work with your inner child. I found counselling very helpful and formed a really healthy bond with my therapist so felt like i was being looked after!

Hi Eternal,

No you're not alone. Sometimes I definitely wish I could escape the responsibilities of adulthood and go back to the innocent, magic, carefree times of childhood. Would also be nice to have someone take care of me, make the decisions etc. I only feel like this sometimes though, other times I'm glad to be an adult and to have the freedom and control that comes with that. I'd say it's definitely linked to anxiety (I'm an anxious person) and the feelings are stronger when life is more stressful. I'd say it's worth you talking to someone about this if it feels like it would be helpful. I treasure my inner child, being child-like (keeping the magic and wonder). To me the content feelings childhood e.g. feeling loved, being in my mum's arms are like a touchstone that I mentally return to. Hope you're talking care of yourself at the moment, sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Thanks...it helps to know others feel it...doesn't make me feel quite so odd.
I've never heard anyone talk of it. People say flippantly that they wish they could be kids again but this is a different thing, much more intense. In my head I'm 10, when I look in the mirror I'm a middle aged woman! I want to go out to play, not do the gardening! looks at boxed Playmobil for DGS that is so tempting
I know I'm stressed which doesn't help and my managers departure has left me unsettled at work too which has added to stress levels. She provided a level of stability and consistency in my life that was almost like parenting me, although she is the same age as me. my mother was nothing like it

I'm not sure I could talk to anyone, I would feel too embarrassed. I've taken half an hour to write this!

Not just you! I wish I was better at " adulting"

I have a very responsible job that I think I do passably well that involves very much " adulting " without having a a " proper grown up to ask " now the senior partner has retired. I usually feel I'm only pretending and I might get caught out one day. I function fine I guess but just don't feel I do.

Having recently lost my 2nd parent ( though he's not been an adult parent due to dementia for some years ) I'm swithering between thinking " well I've bloody well got to adult now" and " I just can't manage it - waah".

Thoughts are simply thoughts .... if we really could read into people's minds that would be amazing, everyone is different but everyone conforms to some level anyway to exist with other people. I think your inner world sounds great on many levels, sometimes I wish I could tap in to a more fun way of being. Also I find I sometimes enjoy time with little children more than with adults as kids are so refreshingly honest, play no games about what they want and live in the moment. I wonder if that is because I had to care a lot for my younger siblings and didn't play enough as a child - I don't have a great memory but one memory I recall is putting away most of my toys - dolls / teddies as they were too childish; I was also desperate to grow up and earn money to have my independence. Even though you have these thoughts you are coping with big adult responsibilities, caring for your partner, work, parenting. What is sad is how these thoughts make you feel, you seem concerned that you need to keep a lid on these thoughts. Understandably your good boss leaving is stressful. I think forums like this or books and thinking about how you could safely be more true to yourself .... go play with the PlayStation and forget the Garden could be a start .... could be helpful.

'Adulting' is a good term! ...decided that's what I'm rubbish at...funnily enough I don't particularly enjoy small childrens' company..I was rubbish at playing with mine imaginatively.. had horrendous pnd too I was better with them as they got older.
I did have my 'Ted' until I was late teens though..poor old Ted disintegrated!
I wasn't desperate to grow up..and was a naive very young teen. Leaving school was a hell of a shock...now I'm a 'young' middle aged woman.
I think one of my 'concerns' is that being viewed as young by others has also held me back professionally, as I'm then not viewed as intelligent, I don't get taken seriously at work for instance.
It bothers me one day...the next I don't care and want to go and ride my bike or kick a ball around!

Some therapists will work with you by telephone or email, if you're not sure about seeing someone in person. The BACP have a register of accredited therapists.

www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/

i sometimes wish i was a child again, it was easier as a child in a way as i felt protected looked after by parents and everyone really as your just a kid so noone expects you to take full responsibilty even for your actions , doctors seem to try harder with you as a kid its how iv felt anyway the whole adult world just wants to look out for you and wants you to be ok, i do often when im feeling depressed wish i could be a child again as it was just easier an nicer , its ashame we have to grow up , im jealous ina way of my 3 year old lol he has no worries we look after him