How do I deal with this

[mirroredlife21]

I've got to the point where I'm actually worried about myself. Other people have commented on how down I am but now I'm worried that if I don't get help then I'm going to get so low I'm not going to see a way out of it.
I've not had a good start to the year. My dp kissed another woman who he works with (drunken incident, going through a rough patch). I've forgiven him, he's beyond proved that he's sorry and is willing to do everything he can to make this better (job change, moving towns). I am not angry at him any more, But I can't stop running over it in my head. How I'm a useless, ugly worthless person. I feel so down about myself.
I've lost all motivation in life, I have deadlines at work that i have no motivation to finish, I just sit at home feeling empty (work from home). I'm exhausted but when I go to go to sleep I can't, everything just runs around my head, all the stress from work, all the money problems I have, how worthless I feel.
I've started getting panicky when I'm outside of the house, if people get too close to me or touch me I get extremely anxious and want to remove myself from the area I'm in, for example, if I get caught in a crowd in a busy shop I start panicking, I can't catch my breath and I get very agitated.
I don't know what's going on with me or why I'm being like this. I have a hard time talking to people so the idea of going to the dr and saying all of this terrifies me, I don't know what to do. But I've been having thoughts that maybe I'm just not meant to be here, and that really scares me. I don't know why I'm posting, maybe in the hopes that someone can tell me why I'm feeling like this?

Please go to your doctor. I'm not a medical person but it does sound very much as if you're suffering from anxiety and/or depression. Get some help and then you will feel stronger and more able to cope with everything.

A drunken kiss should be forgiven and forgotten IMHO. Try to let go of all the clutter in head and focus on one thing at a time. One task for one day.

Also - get some exercise. It's very true that exercise really does make you feel better - it releases the 'happy' hormones.

The thought of going to the dr honestly terrifies me. I'm not good at talking to people, I don't like people seeing me cry and I know as soon as I open my mouth I'll break down. I only have 3 friends that I would be close enough to talk to about this, one is too far away, one is very oblivious to other people (I've tried talking to him, he just cuts me off and talks about his own stuff) and the other friend has so much going on in her own life that I don't want to bother her.
I feel really alone. dp said he'd go to the dr with me but I don't want him to hear everything that goes on in my head.

You are depressed and anxious and need medical help. Depression can be a serious illness and needs treating. Talking to friends or to people on here will not get you the help you need. Only a doctor can do that.

Make the appointment and take up your DP's offer to go with you - he can sit in the waiting room while you go in if you choose, but having him there is good. I strongly think that he will be feeling bad and wondering if he has been part of the cause, so being able to do something supportive will help him too.

There is no need to be afraid of breaking down in front of the doctor - it is all part of the illness. You would not worry that you might limp in front of the doctor if you went in with a sprained ankle. This is the same thing - it is one of the symptoms of your problem. Doctors are very used to this; that's why they have a box of tissues on their desk.

Just do it - it is your way forward. You cannot stay in the place you are in and you need some help.

Been there, done that. I am here to tell the tale.

I won't go, I know I won't. I have a weird fear of the dr, if I've been really really ill, like where normal people would go to the Dr, I wouldn't, I'd just wait it out and hope it goes away. The thought of going is making me panicky now.
I don't even know what I'd say, I'm a vey private person. I don't like people knowing about me and I'm embarrassed about what happened with dp.

I think posts are right - it does sound like you are suffering depression and anxiety, possibly in a mild form. Many people find it helpful to write down symptoms (bullet list) and include everything and give it to the GP - at which point you will probably burst into tears, but that's ok, that's what most of us do. Or you can keep your list and use as an aide memoir. About one third of all GP consultations are mental health related so you won't be saying anything the GP hasn't heard dozens (maybe hundreds) of times before.

You don't need to mention what happened with dp - it's not really important as far as your mental health is concerned. But you have a choice - you can go on suffering or get some help, it's up to you. I understand your reticence as I too hate seeing a GP (even though I have a very lovely one) but needs must.

Do you know where your "weird fear of the doctor" comes from?

I hope you do manage it and take dp with you.

I have no idea where it came from. I wish I wasn't like that. I honestly don't think I can go. I feel like I'm making a fuss over nothing and I'm so embarrassed. :( I wish I could just suck it up and make an appointment but every time I go to ring up I just don't :(

If you won't help yourself, no-one can help you.

Everyone here has said the same thing - anxiety and depression - go to the doctor.
Your DP has offered to go with you.

Yet you are still refusing all advice and recommendations.

Sorry to be brutal but the only person who can start to make things better is you.