Im a fucking mess

[Bellatrixurstrange]

I am on antidepressants but low dose and I feel shit. I can't work coz I'm so ill. I never tel the doctor the truth becuz I don't think he cares or believes me. I used to be a really successful marketing manager with a strong team under me and now I'm nothing. I worry all the time thinking something disastrous is going to happen. I have no friends becuz I've isolated myself from them - after awhile everyone stops calling anyway . I'm trying to pull myself together and do more around the house with a Bullet Journal and pacing myself but I just feel like a shadow. I love my DS's lots and try and keep up the facade for them but inside I'm so fucking tired and miserable and I hate myself. I'm my own worst enemy and beat myself up all the time. I keep thinking a routine will beat the depression eventually but I don't think it will. Just asking for a handhold I guess.

bump

Can you see another doc?

Do you have a partner, or family nearby? Could you contact some 'lapsed' friends & ask them to go for a coffee?

Please take care

I think I need to see another doc and be very blunt about how I feel but I can't do that with the boys off on school holidays. I'm so ashamed I don't want the children to know how I feel. Bad day maybe I dunno I don't even want to see anyone I'm so down

Why should you feel ashamed? You are ill. That is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
Seeing another GP sounds good. I used to make a list of what I wanted to say in case words failed me when I went in.
Have they suggested upping the meds or any CBT?

No nothing like that suggested - I never see the same GP twice as there's always an illness or change of rota. So I always have to spend awhile explaining myself. With my ds around I can't go to drs as they will hear me and they don't need that. Not much reason to go to GP if nothing comes off it like the last six visits. I just want to be a better person than this - happier, fitter, worthier but just the basics like housework and shopping and parenting adequately are so draining. Just wish I knew what to do to pull myself out of this and function like everyone manages to. I might change GP's and go with a list of things and see if I'm listened to more. I don't think my meds are strong enough either.I do have crippling PMS which doesn't help. I'm always just recovering from a period or having one and it's murder. GAH!! I never thought adulthood would be so monotonous and shit.