Is it normal to find parenting this hard?

[Lilipot15]

I have a 9 month old and a 2 year old, moved house and jobs in the past year. I set out these facts as I consider that I've had a lot going on, so extenuating circumstances to affect my mood.

I am breast feeding the baby who wakes several times a night still and sometimes takes some time to settle. Toddler is usually a good sleeper but of late has been waking very early, shouting and waking the baby, and taking time to settle at night too. One or the other is usually awake for the day at "5 something."
I have very little time to myself. I have support from my parents (who aren't that close by) but they don't know the extent of how hard I'm finding it. I feel ashamed to admit it, as I always wanted a family and I love them so much, I am just exhausted though and feel on edge a lot of the time and feel that I'm not enjoying it as I'm always lurching from one task to the other, calming a tantrum, or trying to get one to sleep - folk say "just get them into the same routine" - Ha! If only it were that easy.
DH is very hands on but has high standards and spends a lot of time tidying up and I take this as a slight that my more cluttered existence is not good enough. No support at all from in-laws, I don't think they hear our pretty clear requests for help for whatever reason.

Because I'm new here, my friends with toddlers aren't that close by, so I don't have that "sounding board" to chat about things, and apart from the baby's sleep, I find parenting a strong-willed (but lovely, bright and funny) toddler more challenging than the baby. I'm too tired to read any books about it, and when I asked the health visitor for advice she told me to go on a ten week parenting course which is just too much to consider. I also think I know the principles, it's just hard to put into practice with how I feel. It's so hard to strike up meaningful conversations with new people at groups when I'm watching for who she's about to hit or snatch a toy off, and juggling a mobile baby who really doesn't want to be in a sling all the time. Evenings are presently spent in and out trying to settle baby, who I think is probably in a sleep regression. DH informed me that he thinks they are both quite good sleepers. Hmm.....

Sometimes I just want to walk away, then I feel really really guilty for even thinking that. I don't of course but I'm on my knees, and I'm find it way harder than my very challenging job from which I am on mat leave.

Logically I know this phase will pass but I'm finding to really difficult. I think if I could get more sleep my mood would feel better, and I don't want to be wrongly labelled as depressed (my mum has asked me if I am and I denied it) if it's just tiredness which will pass.

A lot of the time though I think I'm not doing a good enough job, and keeping no-one happy, and I don't know where to turn to. I guess it would be useful to hear thoughts about whether how I'm feeling is normal given circumstances, or as DH thinks if I just need to accept it for what it is and get on with it without complaint, or if folk with experience of any similar circumstances think that I shouldn't be finding it this hard and should seek help.

Apologies if I don't reply immediately, I'm trying to get my head down whenever I can at night as I am up so frequently.

I hear ya yuķky

Altho the downside is the illnesses from nursery.... I've missed 3 days of work in the last 2 weeks Grrrrrr

OP, can you think of a couple of small things that would help?

Like maybe a new DVD to entertain your older one?

Then maybe something bigger - paying a cleaner, local teenager for babysitting, sending the older one out with dad for a day at the weekend.

Then the really big ones need more thought / planning - giving up BF? Sleep training? Work plans?

Thanks for more stories and suggestions. We are making a big effort to tackle sleep in a window when the baby doesn't have a cold (?!) and I think if I get more than two hours sleep at a time I can hopefully look at things through clearer eyes.

I have been heard to use the word "drudge", which I think upsets DH, but that is often the reality of it. Now the weather is better I hope to get out walking more with them, I do have a double buggy.

Could your DH do some of the night settling after a feed or do a feed? I have a 12 month old and 2.5 year old and up until a month ago I could have written your post. Days started earlier, no one was napping and I was losing my mind. I stopped BF at 11 months and my husband started to do night feeds so I could sleep as I couldn't relax thinking I was going to be woken up. I appreciate this option might not be for everyone, but it worked for me.
Drudge is definitely the word! I am organising going back to work in September (3 days) as quite frankly I'm fed up of the constant clearing up/nappies/mess.
For 9 months naps I used to put DDs down two hours after they woke, and they would (mostly) nap, then try again half an hour after lunch. It was hit and miss.

Hi Lilipot. I could have written lots of your OP. I have a slightly bigger gap which I think is a bit easier than the toddler. We also moved in the last year and have no family support at all. Drudge is definitely a word I would use to describe day to day life right now. I too have mused on seeing a Dr for antidepressants but like you say I feel like actually if I just had the time to exercise/ eat better I would find that my feeling down is more a result of current situation than actual depression.

The one thing that has improved hugely for me though is sleep, which only happened when I stopped breastfeeding (but my youngest is a bit older than yours). He was just waking to comfort suck most of the time. Now that's no longer available, he (mostly) sleeps through. And this is a baby who was waking 4-5 times or more a night a couple of months ago, so there is hope.

Things will get better. This is the hardest age i think (physically with exhaustion - I'm sure teenagers will cause no end of different stress) .

Oh drudge is so the word. My second didn't sleep for more than about 40mins at a time (sleep apnea) and honestly people with babies who sleep have absolutely no idea what exhaustion does to you physically emotionally and mentally.

Your body needs to sleep and recover but it is relentless coping at night and then starting another day with them.

Mine are now a bit older and I'm stoll struggling with sleep (though not as badly) bit it does get better it really does. When they can run around and play and take themselves to the toilet and strap themselves in the car etc even when you're tired it's manageable.

There is no way on earth I could have done my previous job (teaching) on the levels of sleep/exhaustion I was feeling. It would depend on your job if it was a help or not.

Looking back I wish we'd remortgaged/anything to afford a mothers help or some break for me to sleep/not have demands made of me. We were also in a new area and no helpful family. I will be so different if I have grandkids.