Please help - I think I'm having a breakdown and I'm worried I'm going to hurt myself or someone else

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I've name changed for this because I am deeply ashamed of what is happening. I think I'm having a breakdown and I don't know what to do. I just screamed at my toddler so badly that my husband had to physically force me into another room. I lost all control. She was terrified.

This has been building for weeks, months, where I have become increasingly angry and shout at her more frequently. When I'm shouting it feels good to get the aggression out but also frightening. She is now frightened of me. I'm in a bad way and my head feels like it's about to explode. I don't know what to do. I have a young baby too and we moved house around the time the baby was born and we're regretting the move terribly. I just feel so fucking bleak every morning and I realise where I am. I can't think straight and I just want to run away. But I can't because of the baby (who's still exclusively breastfed). More poor husband is a wonderful, wonderful man who deserves better than me. And my children deserve more than a mother who terrifies them. What can I do to pull myself back together?

I guess I feel strange just calling the HV or GP and saying 'I think I've got PND' - sounds presumptuous, almost. But I shall get over that and call one of them on Tuesday. Thanks.

Today has been a much better day. I think totally losing my rag with my toddler who then still didn't comply with what I was trying to get her to do kind of flicked a switch in my head that has diffused almost all of my frustration with her over her toddlerness. And DH is being great and we've had some positive conversations about 'what next' to help me. All feels like steps in the right direction.

But, seriously, you lot have been amazing. I wouldn't have thought of PND unless I'd posted this thread and your words have helped me gain perspective on a situation that has been getting progressively worse for many months, without me really seeing it.

It's often helpful to write down your symptoms (bullet point list) and give it to the GP (most people burst into tears at this stage, which is fine) or use the list as an aid memoir. Write down everything no matter what it sounds like - and of course adding you have a young baby. I think they'll work it out from there! The thing with depression is does fluctuate - ebbs and flows as it were. I think treatment for PND is no different from depression, unless you are BFing and then you will need an AD that's safe with BFing.

So glad to hear you're feeling a bit more positive OP. If you have a good vibe about your HV then do make her your first call - mine was amazing. I think they're very clued up about PND these days.

I know exactly what you mean about needy/demanding/presumptuous. It's a particularly cruel feature of depressive thinking, in my experience, that you don't deserve help, other people have it much worse, if you could just pull yourself together, it isn't awful all the time... Bottom line, you know that the way you're feeling is not right and you want help to do something about it. No properly trained health professional could object to that.

Keep being kind to yourself and good luck for Tuesday.

I second the poster who suggested writing a list of bullet points. I did this for something slightly different and I ended up just handing mine over before I sat down and let the Dr read it. There's no way I would have been able to get across how I was feeling by speaking at that point.

If you feel a bit odd about calling your HV, could you email her? Just a brief message to say I think I'm struggling a bit, could we have a chat? My HVs had a general email address for queries.

Stop being so hard on yourself ur toddler will forget and u will get better but id advise u call doc at 8am tomorrow and ask for an emergancy appt good luck keep posting x