I flamed him and now I feel like a complete b*tch

[Paddlechick666]

my history is a very long story and i am too tired to really go into details.

suffice to say, dh has been suffering severe depression for 18+ months which has resulted in him going awol for several weeks several times. when he does come back he lives with his mother (don't even go there!).

in the run up to xmas things really took a good upward turn - after he left again a few days before dd's 1st birthday end oct.

he saw new phychiatrist on boxing day and his meds were hiked - don't know what he's on tho.

i last spoke to him boxing day night.

in the last 48 hours i seem to have lost all tolerance and optimism tbh. he barely ever asks after me or dd, i always initiate contact and it's only ever on text.

i know he is suffering bigtime from the hike in meds - 20mg to 70mg for a week then 150mg for the next 3 weeks till he sees dr again.

anyway, i feel like i am clinging on by my fingertips and this morning I flamed him on text.

have had 2 text this evening from him which have just served to upset and annoy me further.

basically i am due a small op, nothing major, but he never even asked why i was at the hospital. when i said it would be painful he replied "you're good at pain, can't be worse than childbirth".

i know he's just trying to be funny but ffs i am totally fed up with the lack of support.

i feel equally shitty for flaming him and for his apparent lack of care for me.

god this has turned out long, sorry

actually, i don't really know what i expect in response. am just finding it theraputic to write stuff down.

i'm just thoroughly fed up with being a married single parent.

i feel like what is the point really. we're no further on than we were this time last year..............

how long do i put up with this

My father is a psychiatrist and I know he always tried to see both halves of a couple, together and apart. Can you get an appointment to see his doctor.

How long you put up with it is up to you. It's very hard. The marriage vows are in sickness and in health so I suppose you put up with it forever but obviously you don't have to. What about suggesting a trial separation for 6 months, not divorce not even preparation for divorce just sepraation unless he is prepared to involve you in his getting better, take you to his appointments etc.

it sounds like you are separted in rl relationship already,
..what is keeping YOU together as a person mentally, physically would be my first worry..

xenia

i agree, in sickness and health which is why i'm still working at this i guess.

i have pushed and worked hard to get him into treatment. the up we experienced before xmas really proved to me that what we have at the core is still there.

i want to be supportive and help him get better. he does feel dreadful for the effect this has on me but can't talk about it as he can't cope if he acknowledges it.

but there are times i can't cope either, like now.

the longer it goes on the harder i find it to be supportive.

i am hoping to be involved with the new treatment. i wasn't in the last round. the new dr also seems ameniable to this.

i know it's early days in the new treatment and i'm hopeful in some ways but just not sure i can hang on the next few weeks to see some improvement.

thanks for responding.

suzy

good question, not sure really.

most of the time manage to remain strong and positive but struggling at the mo.

had a counsellor session at the gp this week and felt very judged and that i had to really defend dh.

didn't feel it was a good experience and it has really made me question my support of dh.

that's probably why i'm having a meltdown now....

I think my ex husband was depressed. He didn't admit although he tried to kill himself and said in front of the children and I often he wished he was dead. Now we had got on really badly for years, well over a decade, nothing to do with this at all, the fundamentals were dire, not in my view any love there at all, he was aggressive, violent and very very sad and cross increasingly. Now someone might say I left him because he was mentally ill (but he was refusing any and all treatment and horrible and the children asked me to get rid of him and I didn't like him anyway) so I just stopped it. He still might say he wasn't depressed. I don't know. I don't even know if that really led to the marriage breaking up however.

How long?

For as long as your self-esteem allows you to.

I was also married to an untreated depressive, who never wanted children, it turns out - I'd not have married him had either of us known that at the time we married. We were young and it was one of those 'in the future' things.

Trying to hang onto that marriage nearly destroyed me.

I became an alcohol-dependent, chain-smoking depressive myself.

Run fast and far.

In sickness and in health runs both ways.

He's sick and refuses to get help.

expat, xenia

thanks for sharing your experiences.

he is getting treatment, he's been on ADs since last xmas. the first round of treatment was moderately successful but his meds hadn't been reviewed since june and that was his last therapy session too.

we were niave that he was better - we know better now.

i'm really glad he's back in treatment and his new dr is very positive about seeing good results. but he said the downturn would be quick (it has been) but so would the upturn - it isn't......

i have faced off the people who've said "how long will you tolerate this, when will you leave him" as they sure wouldn't say it if it were a more physical disease.

he's not abusive or suicidal, he just wants to be on his own as that's when he feels at peace.

i'm just fed up with coping alone and feeling unsupported and uncared for iyswim.

i do feel like i am preparing to be a conscious single parent tho.

it upsets me when he doesn't get in touch, his responses to me when i initiate contact upset me as well.

i am beginning to think life is just easier if i cut loose and then i won't be expecting contact and thus cannot be upset by the lack of it.

but then i have to live with the consequences of that - what if it pushes him over the edge?

he has always said my support means more than i know. he said on new years day that he loves us to bit even tho his actions don't show it.

i just want him well and to have back the future we used to have.

but i am beginning to wonder if i am in denial about this and i should just cut loose and get on with my life.........

excellent point about self esteem.......

Lots of couples do get over depression though and he's on new medication and it sounds as if the fundamentals of everything else are okay. Is there a way you can get your other needs met without splitting up - join a few groups, get out more, do things that fill the gap left by his virtual absence?

Xenia

I am an optimistic person by nature and there is a part of me that believes we'll be okay but i also worry i am being niave.

will he ever be truly better or will we just cope and enjoy the remissions whilst waiting for the next episode.

i have a great active group on MN-ers in the area and that keeps me busy.

i don't get any time on my own tho apart from the journey to work 2 days a week!

i used to be a very independent active and fit person. if dh were well and home full time i could resume my sport and get some perspective.

i resent the freedom he enjoys having his mother cater to his every whim. he is just beginning to acknowledge that having him at home is his mothers' dream!

but either way, i'm still on call 24x7 adn he still gets to go to the pub and watch footy altho to be fair he spends a lot of time in the spare room being introspective.

i know that unconditional support helps him recover and i just feel crap that my outburst today has probably pushed him back a bit.

but i also feel crap that i have no voice either..........

sorry to be so negative, head is banging as usual!