I'm feeling really awful. A handhold would be great

[BaBaBaBoomBoom]

6 weeks ago I had a nervous breakdown, and was started on citalopram for the depression and beta blockers for the panic attacks. I've had a lot of mental health problems in the past. I felt much better after 5 days and was functioning well. I have two dc 19mo ds and 3yo dd, my husband lives with us.
The 19mo cries all day, for his dad. As soon as he comes home from work and picks him up he stops crying. I have no idea how to help him anymore.
I've been feeling really low again today, and whilst I don't feel like a danger to myself right now I'm genuinely worried about how I'm going to cope tomorrow when Dh has to go back to work.

I don't really know why I'm posting, but I'm feeling pretty awful.

I really feel for you reading your post although I don't know if anything I say can be of help. Are you able to leave the house? Is there an outside activity they both enjoy, like a soft play center? This could be a good distraction for the 19mo. Would it be helpful to structure the day at all and have some kind of plan, so you can think "OK, 11.00 is storytime, then at 12 we start lunch." I find this just breaks things up a bit rather than seeing the whole day as endless hours to get through. And allow plenty of time in the plan for just cuddling on the sofa and watching telly.
It may be your son picked up on some tension while you were ill and obviously is too young to understand or express this. I suspect that lots of cuddles will help but I think time is maybe the only thing that will really work. Rather than think you're not helping him maybe say to yourself "Every time I hug him or pay attention to him he's getting the message that I love him and in time his fears will lessen- I know I'm helping him even though at the moment it doesn't always show".

It's great that you say you have been feeling better- recovery will inevitably be up and down for a while but now you know that there is an up you have something to hold on to when there is down.
My very best wishes to you

Definitely don't take it personally that your DS cries for his dad. It's a normal developmental stage and soon he will prefer you

BaBa,
How are you today?

Im feeling a bit brighter today, I'm not sure if the beta blockers are affecting my mood, as in the more I take the worse my mood gets. It's something I'm going to have to experiment with to find a balance.
Dh worked from home this morning which has been incredibly helpful, and he's just taken them out for a walk before he leaves to go to work.
I've got plans for this afternoon, so it doesn't drag too badly.

What's more concerning is How truly awful I felt last night, I just felt so so hopeless. It worries me, will the doctor think I'm mad for going in to express this? She's only just put my citalopram up to 20mg on Friday, so I'm not expecting an instant result. But I really scared myself last night.

The advice to break up the day, so it's not a massive chunk is very useful, something I will try and remember!

When you say you had a nervous breakdown, I'm not sure what you mean as it's a term that's not usually used these days. It sounds like you mean you became depressed and anxious? If you've had a lot of MH issues in the past you'll probably know that you can go up and down from day to day and even through the day. It's the nature of the beast I'm afraid. I think you need to give the citalopram time to kick in. It's tricky when you have LOs to care for - is there anyone else who could help out when DH is at work.