Thoughts of suicide.

[PlasticBottle5]

I've NC for this as I don't want this thread associated with my usual user name.

I've suffered with depression on and off for many many years (since early teenage years) I also suffer with anxiety and OCD. I am managing my anxiety and OCD with the help of CBT I had a few years ago. I had PND with both of my DC, being worse after DC2.

Today there has been a trigger for my depression again (I really would rather not go into that though)

After DC2 I had pretty constant thoughts of wanting to commit suicide, however the thought of leaving my DC without a mum stopped me. I haven't had these thoughts or feelings for a very long time (approximately 5 years)
After today's trigger the thoughts of suicide are back, I don't think I ever would commit suicide, my DC keep me going, however I hate these thoughts and they are upsetting me. I feel extremely emotional.

I have no one who I can talk to. DH doesn't get it and just tries to help in a practical way, I also don't like to burden others with how I am feeling. I have perfected crying without making a sound. I have a 'strong facade' I put up when I feel like this, I can always put a smile on my face and say I'm fine if people ask me if I'm okay. I'm tired, very tired of doing this.

I don't know how to feel better. I don't like this feeling. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

It must be awful to feel that bad. Did you have any medical help in the past? It sounds as though you'd really benefit from some now.

Do you know you can email the Samaritans now? That might give you a private way of discussing how you feel, if you think a phone call would be overheard by your husband. This is the email address.

Years ago my Dr put me on anti depressants, I tried several but they made me feel much worse so I decided to come off them.

I have a strong feeling that my DC would be better off without me, but then I realise that it is very unlikely that me leaving (one way or another) would not have any positive effects on them.

I'll keep the Samaritans in mind if I feel particularly brave in trying to speak to someone about it.

Thank you for replying x

The fact you think your children would be better off without you shows how ill you are. ADs have changed over the years and you should find that a good doctor will help you find the kind that suit you best.

I'm really worried about you this weekend and hope you can speak to your husband about how bad you feel and that he helps you get the help you need.