I'm so lost

[Lostsheep86]

I'm struggling at the moment and I just don't know how to help myself.
I have terrible anxiety. I've had this for years. There are so many things I feel like I can't do and it makes me feel really trapped. I've isolated myself from a lot of my friends recently, I didn't mean to, I just kept making up excuses for why I couldn't go to places and eventually they stopped asking me and I think I've left it too long to get back in contact.

I am on antidepressants (I have been on these for about five months, long enough for the initial side effects to subside) and in the past I have done CBT which I did find helpful, but now I am too anxious to put myself in situations even though I know the best thing to do is expose myself to the situations I dread.
The past few weeks I've been feeling increasingly lost. I keep having suicidal thoughts. I have no intention of acting on these, but no matter how hard I try I can't stop thinking these kind of thoughts. I don't want to tell anyone in RL as because I have no intention of acting on them I worry that people would just think I was attention seeking.

I know the best thing I can do is probably get out and see people/take part in activities, but I just don't feel like I can at the moment. I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to gain from posting here, I'm just a bit frustrated and wanted somewhere to vent.

I'd recommend seeing your GP as soon as you can, and tell him/her about the thoughts you've been having. It's a symptom, not "attention seeking" and the doctor will know that.

If your ADs aren't working as they should, perhaps the GP might suggest the dose could be increased, or that you try another AD as there are various different ones.

Thanks for your response.
I've woken up feeling even worse today. I am exhausted and have a splitting headache.

I know I should go and see my GP, but I've built it up to be such a big thing over the last couple of weeks. I need to make an appointment for next week otherwise I'll run out of medication. I started worrying about the appointment last week and have got myself really wound up about it. I decided I was going to make an appointment yesterday, I even rang the GP surgery but panicked and put the phone down when someone answered. I just feel a bit ridiculous. Each time I've seen my GP, they've been great, so there is no logical reason for me to fear the appointments, but the thought of going there makes me feel sick. I'm going to try and call them again later.

Hi Lostsheep86, I know how that phone call thing works. I am a person who stutters, and used to stutter fairly severely. So there was plenty of waiting for ages and ages (minutes, hours, days, weeks sometimes) until I felt 'able' to make the phone call. Then hanging up as soon as they answered, not able to face it, or not being physically able to speak when they did answer. Kind of a different problem to yours, but not really as it turned out as anxiety is the complicating factor.
Ringing the GP for myself or the kids is still always one of the HARDEST phone calls to make. So it is a tough job no matter how you feel. Think because we sense we are really vulnerable and are asking for help. It can feel like you are absolutely at the mercy of the person who answers. Yes it's shit. You can feel absolutely like shit, you can feel you can't do it, you can feel you really really don't want to do it. But you can have all that stuff and still do it. Because there is a part of you that wants to get better, and a part of you that recognises you deserve to get better. 4 mins of discomfort and feeling horrible on a phone call Versus another couple of entire days of hovering in fear and apprehension of making the call.
It doesn't matter what the other person on the end of the phone thinks - their thoughts are just neurons banging together in their head, nothing to do with you and your mission to get that appointment. You are not responsible for their thoughts and their feelings. So don't be on the run from neurons in someone else's brain. Easier said that done I know. I'd be imagining the person (some terrible ogre or super competent secretary with no problems of her own) on the other end of the phone being really annoyed with me, being too busy to care, etc etc. But even if the person on the phone sounds like that, that's their problem. It's their job to answer the phone, they are not doing you a favour by answering it. And the GP is getting paid handsomely to look after you, he or she is not doing you a favour by seeing you.
So if you do make that call, please acknowledge that great achievement. If the call seems beyond you, could you get someone else to ring for you or call into the GP surgery and make the appt in person if that's easier for you. Still a great achievement given your circumstances. It's the getting of the appointment that's important.