Don't know where to start sorting myself out

[timetosortmyselfout]

I'm sorry for the length of this post. I'm trying to work out what I need to do to sort myself out. I spend a lot of the time feeling unhappy and worrying about the future. I don't know if I'm suffering from some depression or if I just need to somehow give myself a kick up the arse.

My life is really great, and I can't seem to make myself appreciate this enough to feel happy. I don't enjoy my job as I feel I've let myself down professionally by falling into a role where I've become deskilled to the point where if I had to look for another job, I wouldn't know where to start. On the flip side, I'm well paid for whatever it is that I do. I enjoyed the job when I started but I've had my work ignored and my ideas shot down for years and I sort of gave up trying somewhere along the way.

I'm totally disorganised at home. I feel tired a lot and do the bare minimum of housework to keep things ticking over. I feel like my dh picks up a lot of the slack. He says he's happy to do it but I feel guilty because I only work part time and I feel I should be doing the majority at home.

It's like my head is in a fog all the time. I can never remember what I need to do, or get organised. My youngest is 18mo and I haven't really slept well for any length of time since he was born. Partly because he's never slept well (he is getting much better) and partly because I can't stop thinking and worrying about things at night. It was really bad when he was little and I would freak out for up to an hour almost every night, feeling sick and panicky but now it's more of a background feeling, which comes and goes.

Only my husband and my best friend know how I feel. My husband doesn't know what to do, beyond pretty much taking care of everything to make my life easy, which I don't think is really helping us. My best friend thinks I need to pack in work, but there's no way we could afford our mortgage without my salary, and I'd worry even more about money and financial security. I don't think just being at home would really help me, except that I love being with my kids. The one thing I feel like I'm good at is being a mum.

Every few weeks, I wake up feeling amazing, full of energy and, for a day or two, or maybe a week, I'll get loads done and life will be better. But I always return to this horrible fog, where I dislike myself intensely.

If you've read this far, thank you. I know this is such a self-centred whinge but I need to sort myself out. My husband and kids deserve better, and I think I deserve better from myself, too. Can anyone tell me where to start with turning myself back into the person I want to be?

Poor you, I understand where you are coming from. My kids were terrible sleepers, I didn't enjoy my job and everything was overwhelming.

Sleep is so important. Not enough sleep probably the main reason you are not quite yourself. I used to go to bed at 8PM when kids were little, and between all the wakenings, I would get near 8 hours. So I suggest you do the same, make sleep the most important self-care you do. Then most things fall into place!

With your work, you will eventually have to find another job, as your current job is a waste of your skills and talents. I am not sure what you do?
But first you need to get your brain fog lifted

I am not sure how old you are? But I think you would find Sara Gottfried's book The Hormone Cure absolutely mind blowing. I read it, and it has turned my life around.

Thanks so much for your reply, misscph1973

You're right. Sleep has to be my number one priority. I'm not going to get anywhere until I'm sleeping better. I'm going to focus on early nights for a while.

I'll look up The Hormone Cure. I'm 33, healthy and although my diet isn't perfect, I eat pretty well, cook everything from scratch etc. I know I should feel better than I do.

Thanks again for your helpful and kind post

I was the same age as you and in the same situation, and I felt like that. But I don't remember much from when the DC were little, I think my memory was wiped by sleep deprivation.

I think also we expect too much of ourselves. When DC are little, it's just limited what you can achieve. Don't be too hard on yourself, you're doing great, you have a child, you work and you cook everything from scratch. That's actually quite amazing, well done you!

Could you ask your gp for sleeping pills for a few days to build up some sleep and start to get back into a decent sleep hygiene routine?

That sounds like a totally reasonable idea, willowcatkin111 and yet my first reaction was "Sleeping pills? Oh no!" I guess I need to think about why that is because I do have to sleep better somehow.

Hi there
It sounds like you probably have a couple of things affecting you here. If you don't enjoy your work and feel indifferent towards it, it is probably doing nothing for your self worth and demotivating you. When we are feeling tired and are unmotivated to do things that only feeds the problem. The lack of sleep will not be helping with this as you will already have a low mood and low concentration levels. Obviously getting on top of your sleep is a priority. It also sounds like you need to get some help to deal with the anxiety and worry you are experiencing. This is likely to be affecting how you relax and drop off to sleep. Do you feel like this is the case? Do you have any hobbies at present?
Yes, well done for cooking. That in itself is an achievement with kids around. And don't be so hard on yourself! Most people go through periods when they feel bit stuck in limbo and it can be very hard to see through to the other side. Xxx