When nobody wants to listen

[Boomerwang]

I have no friends. My parents are my only family. The only other adult in my life is my daughter's father, who I only speak to because of her. I'm spiralling downwards again after becoming jobless. I came off pills whilst I had my job as I didn't need them any more. I felt fine.

Lately I'm feeling suicidal. I'll never do it, I'm too much of a chicken, but it fills my waking thoughts as I tuck myself into a mental corner and ignore my child.

My father gets angry at me if I tell my mother how I'm feeling. He said she can't sleep at night for worrying about me. He told me to 'sort myself out' and stop upsetting them. I apologised and said I won't do it again.

Today my daughter's father said the same thing. He thinks I'm purposely trying to upset him and make him feel useless. I've apologised and told him I won't do it again.

I've tried counsellors before. The first was a bereavement counsellor as I was depressed after my fiance died many years ago. He seemed hostile, barely spoke, couldn't answer my questions - just threw them back at me. I left feeling more anxious and confused than before. The second one told me I had to go back to the UK (I live in Sweden on my own) as I'd never be happy here. I'd love to, but I can't. My ex wouldn't sign the papers to let me take her and I won't leave her behind.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this here. I guess I just don't want to feel alone?

I took my first pill tonight. I had some left from when I quit. I didn't want them again but after spending the last 8 hours with my daughter in silence, staring at the wall, I give in.

Taking medication to heal an illness - ANY illness - is not giving in. If you had a headache you would take painkillers. You know that you need to feel better for the sake of your child. You are doing the right thing. I am so sorry that the people surrounding you are not being supportive. I think you are being a very strong woman. Please make an appointment with your Dr asap. You deserve some support xxx

Thanks, but the only reason to see the doctor is to have another prescription written out. It's cheaper than therapy and I'm on the social. That's how it works. I'll be calling, but only to ask for more pills.

I don't know the ins & outs of healthcare in Sweden. Hopefully someone else does? I would still like you to at least fill in the prescription then. It's better than nothing. I just don't want you to be feeling alone & helpless. I'm here now (fairly useless, but I'm still here) x

Thank you. Do you listen a lot? How do you cope with other people's problems being stuffed into your eyes and ears?

I've been lonely and felt hopeless. I don't want you to feel the same. I can't wave a magic wand, but I can listen.

I'm here to listen if you need to offload. I'm also suffering at the moment. I'm lucky that I have friends I can talk to. I try to rotate them so the burden is spread!
It must be really tough to cope alone, I know I find I have to talk about my feelings and anxiety when I'm having a bad phase. So talk on here, hopefully it'll give you an outlet for your thoughts and feelings. You are not alone.
Can you get access to a different counsellor? I was able to get six sessions through my employer. It took away the guilt I feel about burdening someone knowing that she was being paid to listen.
I'll be thinking of you

Sorry your family is not more supportive

Just because you've seen some bad counsellors, it doesn't mean they are all bad. Ask your dr if they can refer you. My DH works in Sweden and has healthcare there through the social system (the benefit of high taxes!). His dr referred him to a therapist and he paid about 100 kroner a session I think (less than £10), and after you've paid a certain amount for treatment in a year (maybe 1000 kroner?) everything is free. I don't know what it's like if you're not working though.

Definitely get back on the meds. They worked before for you so will likely work again.

How are you today Boomarang?

Sorry I meant Bomerwang!

I am also suffering basically in silence.....no one to talk to within the family as I feel like a burden due to physical health problems as it is without adding what I feel would be a mental health worry or concern onto them aswell. I have been diagnosed with OCD....severe anxiety with depression,,,,I feel as though I am in a living nightmare...I dread going to sleep because of the nightmares and dread waking up due to the constant pain I am in physically....I spend most of my time now in bed....have a few other physical issues that I have to deal with in the next few weeks...I am constantly exhausted, to dress is an effort...no one understands...I am told that I am just going on....told to be quiet and to sit down or to go upstairs...I feel like a child....I don't know how much longer I can go on living this way....I don't want to live this way.....
Living nightmare.....it helps to talk if you can though...I take a multitude of various meds.....most of which I am now addicted to....thankfully I see my psychiatrist this week....I need to talk to someone....
One day flows into another...it goes on and on.....painful, miserable and extremely lonely....