Please hold my hand

[MummySparkle]

I've been sinking for a while and I ended up self harming today.

DP is going to be angry / upset with me. He's already sent me a text saying that he is upset with the state that I left the house in when I took the DCs to nursery. I haven't been back since.

I'm all patched up now and medically fine, I've spoken to my CPN about it.

Right now I'm sitting in the car by the side of the road. DP is going to want to know where I am. A big part of me is tempted just to drive and not home. I love my family and I do t want to abandon them but I can't face this right now. I'm too tired.

You know if you'd gone down to lie in bed your DH would've known exactly where you were. It worries me that he demands you sit next to him on the couch. :(

I'm glad your sewing is going well.

Goodness I'm so proud of u!! U ARE FIGHTING!! Even though it might not feel like it.
Ur getting up everyday. Ur DOING every. Day.
Well done you.
Don't persecute urself

Sewing is pretty much there now. I only need a photograph for the competition, so I can take one tomorrow with it as it is now. It needs some more hand sewing for it to be display able though

I'm going to head home in a minute, I'm worried about staying here too late and being unable to drive (like yesterday)

I'm not looking forward to doing dinner for the DCs by myself, but hopefully it will be okay. I'm half tempted to take them to McDonald's and just have chips for tea. Is that really bad?

Feeling anxious and restless again now. Need to sort some bits out for work tomorrow, but I can't find the energy.
Changing my dressings earlier has just made me want to do more damage, and my head just jumps to working out if I can fit it in tomorrow

Can you plan your day so you can't fit it in?

In theory yes, I'm at work. But I could leave work early and do it on the way home.

Right now I'm the only one awake and I really want to get into my car and just drive off into the night.

Planning isn't doing tho, so if it calms you down plan away. By tomorrow hopefully you will feel a bit better.
Sympathise with wanting to drive away - I feel (and did) it loads which is I think one reason they stopped me driving. I might think twice if I have to walk in the dark, cold and rain. Can you do something now to slow you down - another cup of tea maybe?

DP woke up just after my last post. He went back to sleep straight away but it reminded me that I would be noticed. I thought about how this kids would react if they woke up in the night and I wasn't there.

DS woke up at 5:30 this morning. He usually gets up around 7. I managed to get him to lie quietly for half an hour, but then he woke DD up and I've had to bring them down for breakfast.

My CPN isnt in today, she has meetings and won't be back til tomorrow. I could call duty, but I find it really hard to talk on the phone to people I don't know.

I appreciate how hard it can be to talk to people on the phone but would it be easier to talk to the samaritans? Just thinking as they will never know who you are it might help.

Is this something you can speak to your cpn about so that you can get a 2nd line person who you know so that you do feel you can ring.

Maybe, I've met quite a lot of the MH team now, so chances are I may well know who is on duty, but I struggle with phones if I don't know who will answer.
Had a bad day today. I lied to DP and left an hour earlier than I needed to for work and headed over to minor injuries. Then I broke lots of bits of equipment at work, including some really expensive stuff, so I had to stay at work late to try and get it all sorted out. Feeling guilty about that although my boss said not to worry.
Been feeling restless a lot today so it helped that it was a really busy day at work, I was running around non stop. Just got home to the family now and sorting dinner out.

At the moment I feel like I'm getting through by figuring out when I can next plan time to harm, harming, and then planning again and focus sing on that. It's really not good.

Your cpn is in tomorrow right? You need to call her. Can you do that? Or can you text/email her so she can ring you?

I'm not quite with you MS - why did you need to go to minor injuries this morning - had you SH before you went to work. The breaking lots of equipment - was that on purpose or because you were just generally jittery. Hope you can get to talk to a CPN tomorrow, but please don't go driving about if you feel spaced out as that's not fair to you or anyone else.

The spaced out feeling has passed, thankfully. And my driving is fine. I'm still very tired in the evenings, but fine in the daytime.

I didn't purposefully break anything at work, everything just broke on me! I think some of the stuff would have broken whatever, but it was probably made worse because I've been jittery and restless.

Yes I did harm yesterday. I left the house early so that I could harm without DP knowing, and then went to the MIU to get it sorted. I know that this sort of behaviour is all kinds of wrong, but I feel compelled to do it anyway. I'm scared that I might accidentally go too far.

My CPN will be in today, I'm counting down the minutes until I can give her a call. I know they have a tea MN meeting at 9am, so probably 9:30 would be a good time.

I am exhausted this morning. I fell asleep watching TV and DP woke me up to come upstairs to bed. DS woke up a few times in the night crying out for me to come and sit with him. Then DP woke me up asking me if we had any rennie heartburn tablets because he'd been awake all night and was seriously considering going to the hospital (genuinely no idea what he was expecting a&e to do about heartburn! Hoping that was just his half asleep brain coming up with dumb ideas!!) I had crazy dreams all night, got eaten by some sort of scary squid whilst visiting some piglets wearing babygrows at some sort of breeding sanctuary. Really weird stuff. I can remember snippets of other bits, but not enough for it to make much sense written down.

DS woke up at 5:45, his nappy had leaked so I changed it and brought him into our bed. He didn't go back to sleep, I didn't get back to sleep, then he went into DDs room and climbed into her cot. I've been downstairs with them since 6:30.

I have no idea what a tea MN meeting is, or even what I meant to say, but they have a meeting then.

I'm so tired.i feel like I might pass out

Did you call cpn? How are you feeling now?

I have just tried CPN, receptionist said that she was on the phone. Receptionist has left a message for her to call me back.

I would have called earlier, but DP left late and it's easier to talk when the DCs are asleep. DS was really really tired by midday. Completely shattered, but really worked up. I always take them in the car before nursery so they get a decent sleep. I had to pretty much restrain him to get clothes on him and to get him into the car. It was horrible. I fell so bad having to do that, but when he's in meltdown mode he would just keep screaming and screaming. But I hate forcing him to do things he didn't want to do. I was really worried all of his kicking and thrashing about would aggravate my SH, but it seems okay.

I went back up to bed just before 9 and told DP that it was his turn to look after the DCs. Think I only lasted an hour before he came back up to get me up. Totally exhausted now (but not spacey - just normal 'I haven't slept' tiredness before you start worrying) I have another 20mins before I need to take DS into nursery. I have a feeling he will have another meltdown trying to get him in.

I got through to CPN, not for long though as I had to take another call. She is going to send out some emotion regulation worksheets for me. I do t really know what the trigger has been for this relapse, she said that until I get out of the mindset of plan harm, harm, plan harm... Then there isn't much anyone can do, it has to come from me. But I don't know how to break that cycle. I don't have any plans at the moment - no time. I was meant to go to choir tonight but I was too tired to drive there. I love going and it makes me feel good, but I couldn't face the half hour each way drive. Rehearsal hasn't even finished yet and I'm already in bed. Helped by taking some cocodamol (standard dosage, not OD) and alcohol so I'm feeling blissfully empty tonight. My head is quiet which is a relief.

But somehow I have to stop wanting to hurt myself, and stop thinking about when to do it next, or where to do it. I'm so covered in scars from years of abusing my body. I hate them. I see them and think 'what the hell, one more isn't going to make a blind bit of difference' and it really isn't. DP hasn't realised that o have some from yesterday, which is good. I don't want to be pack off to my mums for a week, he knows how bad that would be for me.

Still having thoughts of running away, just getting in the car and driving until I can't drive anymore and then sleeping in the car. I think £100 in cash would last me a while so I wouldn't be traceable. I don't know why I want to run so much, aside from the fact that we have no money right now, I'm have a great life. I have wonderful, if sometimes challenging, DCs, we live in a lovely house, I adore my job and I'm enrolling in an OU course for next year. It's all good. So why do I hate life so much? Why do I hate myself so much? Why is everything so bloody hard that some days I feel I just can't do it anymore?

I wish I had the answers for you. I'm glad you don't currently have any plans and it's been a week now since your meds were upped so getting closer to them working.

I think at some point it may be helpful for you to work out exactly what about your life makes you want to run away even when you have what you think should be a great life. I don't think right now is the time for that though. Concentrate on not making any plans as much as you can until the meds kick in properly.

Thanks

I feel rough this morning, only just woken up. My fitness tracker said I had 7hrs of deep sleep, but I'm not sure I believe it, I had vivid dreams all night. Last night was clearly a bad idea, though it felt good at the time. I've woken up with toothache from my stupid wisdom tooth that keeps trying to come through but really isn't going to fit. Got 2 and a half hours before getting the DCs ready for nursery. Then I have to go into the surgery to order mine and DPs repeat prescriptions. Minor injuries is in the same building and it's very very tempting. I should go for a run, and I also need to make a tin man costume for world book day at work tomorrow. I've got things to keep me busy, but my head just feel like crap

Hi Sparkle. I typed a long post yesterday but then my wife dropped out and I lost it Couldn't redo then as due out for footie.
The gist was that surely you need support in working out the triggers and dealing with them earlier, rather than them just throwing it back on you?
Can you see your cpn regularly for a bit just to chat things thro - I find others, especially trained in MH, can often pick up on things that we are too close to see.
Hope you managed to get all that done yesterday, if you did that was a great achievement - I could never manage a tin man costume

wifi not wife