This may be a stupid question

[InNeedOfAssistance]

I'm not sure if I have a problem.

I've always been unhappy and I've always been angry (in a shouting way). I had a few CBT sessions about a year ago which helped a bit, but I've been having difficulty practicing what I learnt recently and I feel like I'm failing.

This morning I've been a crying, shouting mess and I know that some of it will be PMS, but it's like I've lost control. I just about pulled myself together to get my little one into school, but crumpled when I got home and have been crying on and off since. I'm exhausted. And my family deserve better. It's been an extreme today, but I feel permanently agitated, sad or both. There are only a few times in my life that I can truly recognise as being happy. Does that mean I'm just a negative person and need to pull myself together?

I have booked an appointment at the doctors this afternoon, but I have no idea what I'm going to say or what I want them to do, other than wave a magic wand. How do I know if this is really a problem or if I'm just useless and can't deal with life like other people seem to manage to do?

Yes do continue to ask for help, you need support to help you feel better. VIRTUAL HUG I am sure you are not alone in how you are feeling but some people do seem to be affected by stressful situations (or just every day life stresses) more than others because we are all different. So don't blame yourself for how you are feeling, just continue to get help. I suggest when you see your doctors this afternoon, be honest. She/ he may just give you anti-depressants. This may make you feel better enough to be able to deal with the reasons why you feel as you do. Not sure if this is relevant but if you are on any medication including contraceptives this may also be a contributing factor. This may sound trivial advice and I'll really sound like a mum here - but are you eating enough or just rushing around trying to be supermum? Do try and find time for yourself even if it's for a few minutes. Do let us know how you get on. XX

Thanks so much for your message and the hug. It helped.

Doctor has given me sertraline which she said is sometimes used for PMS-type symptoms as well, so hopefully it will help. No hormonal contraceptives, although due to have a mirena fitted in a few weeks so I guess I'll see how it goes.

Relieved I went as doctor was lovely. She asked if I wanted to think about counselling. I should have said yes straight away. I know it sounds daft but I don't know why I didn't. I'll have another appointment in 4 weeks to see how things are going though.

Thanks again for your message.
xx

Hi InNeed, you sound very similar to me, except that I have been taking antidepressants for years now. I am very angry (although I'm actually a really nice, kind person!!) and I struggle with getting incredibly angry at the tiniest thing that anyone else wouldn't bat an eyelid over. I have a 2 year old DS and sometimes find it hard trying to only be 'happy' and 'well' in front of him.

I actually came on here today to ask if anyone had any good strategies for dealing with anger/stress and then I saw your post! So although I have no suggestions, I'm afraid, I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel.

The only thing I've ever found that helps me is a good cry, but that's usually not possible with a toddler in tow!

I came on today to post something similar.
I have a 4yr old ds & 7mnth dd & feel like I'm drowning. The can't cope feelings are becoming more & im this shouty/no patience person with ds & feel wretched about it. Def not the mum I want to be or that he needs.
DP keeps telling me it's just that I'm tired & even he gets annoyed at ds pushing boundaries but I feel like it's more than that. I honestly sometimes feel like they would be better if I was gone (not that I'm going anywhere or going to do anything!!)
I suffered with mild depression a couple of years ago & DP says regularly if it's spoken about that he couldn't go back through that again so I'm reluctant to push the subject...he also works away quite a lot so doesn't need an extra worry when he's gone.

Really sorry I have no advice for you OP but glad you were able to go to GP

Hi Velvety. I'm glad I'm not alone although I wish you weren't struggling too. I was given some help with coping strategies in the sessions I had before but I find it so hard to put them into place as it requires trying to catch myself when I can feel it happening. Some of it was about removing myself from the situation, which is sometimes possible, sometimes not and I often forget to try as I'm so wound up! I know what you mean about having a good cry. I'm afraid my DS has seen too much of my moods and I know it's impacted on him. It makes me feel awful.

Hi CantThink. I'm not sure what to say. My agitation is with everything and everyone and sometimes more manageable than others. Often my DS bears the brunt of shouty mummy as he knows what buttons to press and doesn't stop, but my DH cops a lot too. They would be better off if I wasn't around, but ironically if I'm not looking after DS I get cross about it 'not being done properly'. Just no pleasing me

It must be hard to feel unable to slip and extra pressure for you. for you too.

I also worry about DS seeing my moods/meltdowns as he's quite sensitive. However, sometimes the awareness of that has stopped me from going into shouty/angry mode and it's like I just swallow the anger down instead (which doesn't seem to be doing me any favours either).

It will be interesting to hear if the sertraline works, what dose are you on? (I've taken it before but am now on citalopram). Mine may be pms related too but I don't know what the answer is if it is.

Is there anything in particular that triggers your anger? Mine seems to be not being able to find something although today I was seething with rage because my mum was over and she just doesn't understand me at all as she is one of these eternally happy people.

I'm on a 50mg per day dose. The first one I took knocked me a bit, doctor said if I found that it was too much to start with I could halve the tablets, so I've done that for yesterday and today's dose. I can certainly feel side effects - less appetite, which is probably a good thing as I over eat, drowsy in the evening. I think I feel a bit better.

My anger usually seems to come from not feeling listened too - not great when I usually have to say everything at least 3 times over!

If it's any consolation I haven't mentioned this most recent visit to the doctor or the medication to my mum. She would not approve of medication and I can't be bothered to go through the grief of having that conversation!

*to not too.