I've posted this in mental health because I am being mental.
I have one ds aged 5. Been with dp 2 years. He has 2 ds aged 6 and 3 and a dd aged 7.
I left my exh in November 2013. He was controlling and I was miserable. When I left him he wouldn't let me have our ds. He tried to make it so I only saw him once a week as he used past mental health problems and my own vulnerability against me. I fought and I won 3 days a week with ds.
Its not enough. I'm so broken. I burst into tears at the school yesterday collecting him because I hadn't seen him for 4 days. It hurts so much.
My dp made it very clear he doesn't want more children and he had a vasectomy, with my blessing as at the time I agreed it wouldn't be right to have more with 4 between us.
But I'm just so sad and angry with myself that I've ruined being a mum which is the greatest chance and joy I've been given and I've messed it up and ruined it. I've been researching vasectomy reversal. I know dp wouldn't even agree to it. I just feel like I'll always be broken unless I get a chance to do it right.
I'm miserable. I drink too much. I know I need help. I'm sorry I'm only venting it feels good to write this.