I've tried, but I'm so tired now

[Criminy]

I've posted on here before under several different names, but this is the one I tend to use for my own mental health problems.

I have a long history of mental health probs - anxiety, depression, BPD.

I'm not doing very well at the moment. All I could think of a few days ago was killing myself, so I would go places to do with that. I couldn't help it, it was like I was on auto-pilot to that place. Now all I can think of is damaging myself - SH.

I've given in and done it. Calm for a bit. But now I need to do it worse, I need it to keep escalating or I'm a failure.

Stupid BPD manipulative attention-seeker. That's what they all think. So there's just no help. No help at all. Somebody help me, please!! I can't carry on like this!! Why are you making me suffer so much?!

Somebody help my poor children work through the issues they must have with their useless, defective mother. They deserve so much better.

Not really sure what I wanted from this post - maybe just somewhere to let loose a bit, and be a bit angry as to how things are. Maybe to write down the truth - that I've tried to resist doing these things but I'm just so tired, I haven't the strength to resist any more, I give up.

I think I really need to tell DH how badly I'm doing. If he finds out I've SH'd he'll be mad and/or very sulky. It will all be about him. So maybe I can preempt that by telling him. I just have absolutely no idea how to.

I hope you will tell him Criminy but I obviously don't know DH like you do. I hope he will be able to give you some sort of reassurance to help you out of this crisis. Good luck

OP try here www.elefriends.org.uk/login?next=%2Fposts

You have the right to be reassessed re the aspergers, if your label is wrong then it needs to be challenged.. More for the massive stigma attached. There is help out there but it's so massively underfunded you have to be on the verge of death for a good couple of years before you get it. Not a good rope to tread.

I can't pass judgement on your partner and anybody who hasn't cared for somebody with a PD don't you dare judge.

Oh love, I think you do need to tell your DP. It will be hard, and the conversation probably won't be easy for either of you, but hopefully after a bit of time to reflect on what you've said then your DP will be supportive.

Are you able to ask for a different CPN? You need somebody who makes can give you a safe and non-judgemental environment to talk about things and if she can't give you that then they need to find you somebody who can.

I thought you had an ASD diagnosis. I have one now too and the Dr that assessed me said that he believes there are a lot of women out there who may have been mis-diagnosed with BPD instead of ASD. I think you do need to bring this up with a consultant next time you see one.

What is your GP like? Would they be somebody you call talk to re the CMHT not being willing to give you a helpful CPN?

Are there any mental health advocacy services in your area? It might be worth having a look online. They will probably be contactable by email too (I completely understand your anxiety around phone calls). I can't remember how old your DCs are, but if you have any under school age then it might be worth talking to your choldrens centre. I had an amazing family support worker who was able to get me the right support in place.

How are you feeling this evening? I know all of the things above are scary and hard work, but once you find a person who will fight your corner for the right support then things will get easier for you.

Google IAPT

When I was discharged from hospital, I got taken on by community psychiatry, so got a new psychiatrist. The first time I saw him I asked him about my diagnosis, he said "does it really matter what your diagnosis is, really?" I said yes because it clearly affects what treatment I get, but he just shrugged and changed the subject. I don't know when I'll next see him though - I saw him in September and then the end of January. He started me on a new med, but my GP has had to guess what to do about increasing the dosage.

My GP is great at referring to other services and prescribing my meds, I'm not sure what I could say to him.

I honestly tried to talk to DH last night, but it just didn't happen. I kept saying things like "oh, I'm really annoyed they've cancelled my appointment tomorrow, I could really do with seeing someone." But he didn't take the hints, just carried on playing on his tablet. I left him so many openings but he didn't take even one. I don't know how to let him know things are getting bad. But I'm also scared to let him know, because if what he said before.

DC are 5 and 3. I'm really reluctant to get any kind of children's services involved, because somehow I've managed to stay away from social services - even after I tried to kill myself and was in hospital for months I've never heard from them.

Thank you for you replies

I've had a look at IAPT, and managed to find out about it in my area. It only seems to be for depression, anxiety and stress though, so don't think they will help. Thank you for the thought though.

It sounds like you are feeling quite beaten down at the moment, thats understandable taking into account what you're going through. It seems that you are also "yes, butting" a lot of the suggestions here. Care works both ways, you have to put some effort in in order for the NHS to help you. IAPT for example, are you really saying that the nationwide primary care mental health service cannot help you? Because I'd argue that you have no idea whether they could or not.

Is there an email address for your local IAPT? Might be worth sending one anyway, they might be able to offer you some support, if you are struggling with negative thoughts then you do have a depressed mood so fall under their categories.

Would you be able to say to your GP that you aren't happy as your CPN has told you that she can't help and ask if they can talk to the MH team and get you allocated to somebody else?

A lot of men don't hear hints. But I understand you are worried about being more direct in case the conversation takes a wrong turning

When I was writing my last post I was trying to work out how to say that I know I seem very negative, but this is honestly the situation I'm in.

I looked at IAPT services in my area - there are 5, and they cover anxiety, depression and stress. Apparently you can either be referred by your gp or self-refer. I don't have depression, anxiety or stress though. How can they help me then? The actual IAPT website said it was rolling out further services, but that doesn't seem to have happened in my area yet.

My psychiatrist has said that there is no treatment available for my condition in my area. My CPN said there was nothing she could do for me, that's why she discharged me last year. The psychiatrist disagrees and seems to think I at least need somebody to talk to, I don't know what the CPN thinks to that as I've not seen her yet. One of the ladies I met in hospital that I am still in contact with is having exactly the same - there is no treatment funded in this county for this diagnosis.