Feel like 've messed everything up

[BeBe32]

Hi

I posted the other day about the fact I was starting a new job and my anxiety related to that. I'm so confused. I feel so lost and lonely. I feel like I don't know where my life is going. I started suffering with depression and anxiety when I was about 16, I'm not sure that it is particularly related to anything. Over the years I have been on various antidepressants and I can't say I have found any of them have made much difference.

I feel like my life is going no one. Everyone else seems to find things so easy but everything seems to be a struggle especially work. I was really academic at school and really wanted to have a good career but nothing seems to work out. I trained as a teacher but found teaching so stressful and so much pressure. After being bullied by my head teacher and being signed off for a long time with stress, depression and anxiety. It was a terrible time and I thought things would never get better. I ended up leaving teaching and got a job in a different field. For once I felt like I could do something, I enjoyed the job and the people were lovely. I stopped the antidepressants after a while and things were good.

Having been there several years I felt like I should start to look for something else because financially I was struggling (I live alone) and also liked the idea of progressing and building on what I had achieved and there was no opportunity to progress in that role. So I applied for another job in the same organisation just to see and was shocked to get it. I started last week (see my other thread) and since then all my anxiety has come back. I feel lost, I miss my old job. I'm so worried I've made a mistake with this job. I feel like I'm out of my depth. I've been so anxious all weekend. I feel sick with anxiety at the thought of going in today. I feel like I've messed everything up.

Sorry for the long post. I feel like I have no one else to talk to.

xx

You sound like you are clever and capable, but you don't believe it

You wouldn't have been given the new job if your employer hadn't thought you'd be good at it

Sorry you are finding things so difficult at the moment

There is a lot of truth in 'fake it til you make it.'
Don't self-sabotage this great new job. Get some support. Get some support for your anxiety (GP etc) but also make sure that at work you find out what you're anxious about and then ask questions. "So just to be clear, that means I...." And "I'm not sure about x, how do I...?" People like people who ask sensible questions, you won't be mocked, it'll be appreciated.

You DO deserve your new job or it wouldn't have been offered it. Now make it your own and learn to enjoy it. Try and get some IRL support but GOOD LUCK and also - congratulations. Don't let your anxiety win out on this.

Just because your old anxiety has come back for a visit doesn't mean it is here to stay. It just tells the story that it's here to stay and that things will 'always be this way'. Don't believe it for a minute. You got this job because you earned it and you deserve it. You want to better your situation and provide for yourself in the future.
Everything feels clunky when you start something new. It is fair and reasonable to expect yourself to feel a bit shook up at the start. It will seem like everyone else knows what to do and you don't (but they would having been there longer than you!). Give your mind a chance to settle down, it's only been a week! Also the whole process of applying for a new job, interviewing and then waiting to start the new job, is very tiring and wearing. And when we feel like that, naturally all our mind craves is stuff we know - the old familiar slippers. However, the new slippers become the old familiar slippers in no time.
Your mind is just kicking off because you have put it in a new situation and it has to learn a pile of new stuff, so I think of it like 'head office' sending a load of press releases because you didn't listen to it when it told you never to try and do anything new, ever.
Give yourself a break. Our minds try to do everything in massive doses like 'everything' will be terrible and I am 'always' like this, and this was 'a big mistake' etc etc. And our worries are always about 'the rest of my life' etc.
But in reality we live our lives in short bursts, like moments at a time.
There is a part of you that wants this job and likes a bit of a challenge, a part of you that likes to learn new processes, a part of you that likes to make new relationships in work. Give that part of you this opportunity to see how it goes. If it is possible to ease yourself into it gently then do.
In relation to feeling overwhelmed, as well as trying to find someone to talk about it to in real life, you could find a nice activity to support you during this time of transition - you could do a course of reflexology (I found that great) or of massage, or something like that. Something nice that forces you to lie down and relax and let it all go once or twice a week.

Thank you so much for your lovely replies. It has really helped me to feel less alone. I hope you are all right and things will eventually start to get easier. I think I'm so terrified of being unhappy in my job after what happened when I was bullied that I am panicking. For now I will try to just take it a day at a time as hard as that is.

Thank you all again,

xx