I want to run away

[Ellarose85]

Seriously, I have thought about this for a very long time, I need to leave everyone behind and be on my own.

I am petrified that I will be a terrible mother to my son as I have no positive experience to go on, my childhood was terrible. I hand on heart, truley believe that my son will be so much better off with his father and his family, they are wonderful. I am toxic.

I have been NC with my Dad for years now and recently with my mum. My brother also stopped speaking to me last year. I have no real friends and I'm happy with my own company. I am not a nice person to be around and no matter what I do, I can't seem to change this.

Is there anyway of starting a new life somewhere with very little money?

I need advice, not talking out of this.

Can I say one thing. I doubt that you are toxic. People who are can't see anything wrong with themselves. You are too self aware to be toxic. I'm sure you're a lovely mum with problems you can't resolve yet

Please look after yourself

I disagree. You will not be a toxic mum because you know what a toxic parent looks like and you are scared of being one. People who are toxic have no idea that they are. Can you speak to your HV or GP?

It depends how much money you have I think you need a fair bit
Do you want anyone to know where you are? How will your DH explain to your son are you going to leave a letter?
If you really want to do it you have to be practical. You will likely be found unless you go to.. Mexico or something because people love you.

And you need to consider that.
This is something I have thought about too so I'm being v honest with you.

I'm sure you're not toxic op. Toxic people generally don't realise it. You will be/are a wonderful mum to your ds I'm sure (you certainly care a lot if your post is anything to go by) and even on your bad days, he will love you unconditionally. If you ran away, it would break his little heart I'm sure. He needs his mummy.

Have you talked to someone about these feelings? Your GP maybe?