My kids are the only thing keeping me alive

[QuickQuickNo]

Diagnosed bipolar. Very ill postpartum with both kids.

Recently changed medication, now on lithium and fluoxetine and finding the fluoxetine troubling. I go through phases of manic energy for 7-10 days, lots of cleaning and tidying, then just this week I have been totally exhausted.

Constant thoughts of suicide, but my DH has a very short temper with our eldest (4) and I'm always playing good cop/counsellor/the living parent. Right now I wouldn't want him to be raised entirely by DH.

Giving the youngest a bottle tonight, and just staring out the window fantasising of suicide.

My CPN is coming round Tuesday but I can't tell her, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was younger, and the treatment I had then, plus what I have heard about other people dxd bpd- I think it would be counter productive in case I ended up with less support.

I don't think I'm depressed, or manic, but I am diagnosed mixed, so maybe that's happening. I need to be here for my kids, but as a person I need to not exist. What if my kids hate me when they're older, for all my madness? The longer I leave it the harder it will be for them.

Cpn knows of the medication change and I'm stressed. Saw the pdoc who said I wasn't depressed or hypo manic, just agitated.

They won't, they will admire you. Your strength at not leaving them. Your courage in fighting for them.

I am in a dark place too, and I have similar thoughts. If I could go away and hurt no one then I would but I know the damage that a parent's suicide does to a child and the subsequent generations because my grandfather did it to his children so I won't but I want to.

Yours is a sad story. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment

For the sake of your children you really should try to get help. I can't say 'tell the cpn' because if you don't want to it's your choice. But I promise you, the children won't hate you for being alive. If you're no longer with them, they'll never get over it. They'll probably end up with MH problems themselves if you take your life. So please, give yourself a few days before even considering it again

Does your partner have a short temper with you? With other people? Only the 4 year old?

I hear you and I understand everything you are saying. I feel exactly the same.
Just a thought, I was giving fluoxetine in September and within two weeks went from reasonably mild depression and anxiety to serious thoughts of suicide and self harm. They changed the meds and I got a lot better for a while.

*given, not giving - I haven't been giving ads out to anyone!

I can't help at all, but I didn't want to read your post and not reply.

I have been quite recently diagnosed (within last 2 years) with cyclothymia (which is like 'bi-polar lite' I suppose).

I had a breakdown in December '14, and have been rapid cycling hypo-manic & mild depression for about the last 7 months due to a lot of external stresses and have recently been having intrusive thoughts like you quite often.
The only thing that keeps me ploughing on are my children, they give me the perspective and focus that I need to stay fighting.

Please, please be honest with your CPN & Doctor about how you've been feeling - it could simply be the meds themselves that are making you feel like this. I've known of a few people who didn't get on well with fluoxetine and have felt suicidal whilst on it.

stay strong, you are worth it xxxxx

No DH just struggles to understand that the 4yo is still just a baby, not a big kid. He has a very stressful job and we are both totally sleep deprived by DS2.

Last night at 2am DS1 came in to our room crying, DH started to have a go at him about going back to bed, it's night time and mummy and Daddy are tired etc. I was soft and brought DS1 in with me, DH ended up on the sofa as DS1 was up sneezing and spotting with a cold until 4.20am.

Thanks for the quick replies btw, wasn't expecting any for a while