is my depression coming back?

[GeorgiaT2468]

Ahhhhhh help!! I'm miserable Iv had depression, anger and anxiety issues for years!! Been on and off medication (only came off meds to have children and breast feed). Iv got a 2 month old baby and during my pregnancy I was ok to be honest. A bit emotional but that's expected. Anyway the past month Iv been miserable, it came on suddenly.. I'm so angry at the world, bitter, argumentative, emotional, anxious and insecure. I get this ache throughout my whole body at loud noises and movements. I adore my kids more than anything but I'm being impatient with their behaviour i hate myself for being cross at them, I feel guilty if I tell them off. Some days they can be hard work like kids are at times, my eldest is currently being assessed for ADHD-autism etc. And my middle child has hit his terrible twos massively.. I cry all the time and have sudden urges to hurt myself. I haven't and I'd never end my life because Iv got my babies and they are my life. But I do have urges to cause myself pain. It's scaring me!! Iv started picking at my skin again and make myself bleed, I sometimes sit in the bathroom when I'm getting ready for bed and cry and pull my hair out a sentence keeps going through my head "I hate my shit life" it runs over and over again. But what have I got to hate in life?? I have 3 beautiful children, I'm healthy, a husband who loves me (although we have problems), a full time job which I love, a select few friends who love us all.. I feel guilty that I have all this around me but I feel miserable, I feel selfish that there are people in there world who have nothing and I feel miserable at my own life. What's wrong with me I can't take meds again because I'm breast feeding and if I stop breast feeding to take meds I will feel guilty that I didn't breast feed him til he is 1 because I did my other two. Sorry to go on but I feel awful and miserable.. xx

Sorry you feel like this. I'm afraid I feel much the same so can understand how you're feeling. Re breastfeeding though - speak to your GP, there may be some meds you can take whilst feeding that are safe. Hope you feel better soon💐

Thank you for your reply. It's awful isn't it I asked before with my middle one when I had a nervous breakdown and he said there's one I could take but unfortunately some will pass through my breast milk. He said there was no scientific proof that it does any harm but no one can be sure. The thought of my baby being affected made me panic and I couldn't take them just in case. So my only option is to stop breast feeding which makes me pick at my skin when I think of coping strategies for stopping. I don't even realise until I'm covered in blood it shows me That id get worse if I stopped. I feel selfish to stop breast feeding. ahhhhhhhhh I hate this.. Sorry you feel like it too.. It's horrible and so lonely xxxx

Even so, please go back and see your GP. There may be something he can do to help. It is lonely but you don't have to be alone if you see what I mean.

Yes your depression is back. Hugely. Talk to your GP, asap!

ok thank you all for your replies, maybe I need to go back to therapy again. I hated it and was almost climbing the walls to get out of the room, I can't sit still through it for an hour, it's really hard. But worth another try xx

I took Sertraline while breastfeeding with no problems as it has a short half life and very little gets into the milk. Good luck - hope you feel better soon x