Disasterous behaviours relapse

[CrazedBeyondRecognition]

So, I've name changed to start this. In August last year I hit a very low point due to a work incident and a horrible experience involving my father. I also, coincidentally developed a health condition which caused me to lose 50 ish lbs unintentionally. This was lucky as I had most of this time off work due to hospital admissions for medical condition and they didn't find out about my mental health. The condition is now resolved.
During this period I had counselling and started taking mirtazapine. This has now finished.
The problem I have now is, the unintended weight loss has led to a complete relapse of an eating disorder I had as a teen. I'm 30 odd now and as mad about food as I was then. I'm desperate to stop the mirtazapine as freaking out over the weight gain risk and I'm due to go back to work Monday but my anxiety and purging are out of control.
Does anyone know of an anti depressant that does not cause weight gain so I can ask my GP next time I go? My partner has no idea that I purge. Nor has my GP. Work think I've been unwell physically which is completely true, but not about the mental health. I feel like I'm in a real mess.

I'm not sure what to tell work tomorrow. Have to go out for lunch today, which is v anxiety provoking. Can't think what to do for the best. Might just use this thread to write thoughts down. Thanks to anyone who's read this.

I was the same my anxiety escalated at the thought of gaining weight on meds after I put on weight in the first month of my old meds. My doctor changed me to fluoxitine 60mg a day, he said I wouldn't gain weight and I didn't and have been on and off them for 5 years. Maybe ask about them to see if they are suitable for you. Do you think it might be an idea to confide in your doctor about purging? Iv been there and I know it's not easy lovey, but there is confidential help available and medication you can be prescribed if you want it to ensure your body has enough nourishment to help keep you healthier during your battle. I'm sorry you feel like this xxxx

Thanks for your reply, I'm going to ask about fluoxetine. Sorry you know all about this too. I haven't actually gained weight, but the disordered part of me thinks I'd have lost loads more by now if not for mirtazapine. Stopping mirtazapine is not an option atm, I tried before and my anxiety was through the roof. I need to be semi functioning at least for work. I feel very trapped. Amazing how fast I'm back into the purging/ restricting after all these years. Thanks for your good advice.

Bless ya.. What is your job? What's your relationship like with your boss?

Iv in the past struggled that it began to show at work.. (Not purging, that was my biggest secret from everyone) but my other mental health issues were. So I confided in my boss (decent relationship) and said how I was struggling with being anxious and low. We had a lengthy chat and was all completely confidential. She put in place a personal risk assessment and contingency plan for me. Basically just stating how I feel and what areas causes me more anxiety and stress. We made bullet points of what to do and not to do. It had things in like what areas of my job to avoid, how to cope and I had personal time where I'd use a bit of code talk with her and suggested in front of colleagues I had paper work to do or a doctors appointment I needed to attend or a migraine. This gave me the time I was I needed to relax or calm down away from people and collect myself together. No one had a clue just my boss and I. I was also offered 1:1 support if or when I needed it, colleagues believed it was a supervision and it was but not always covering the basics of a supervision it was more just talking therapy with my boss and to be honest having such support in a anxious environment helped a lot for me to crack on at work. The support and assurance got me through my shift. Not all the time, some days id have to go home but staff would be told during this whole time that I was struggling with migraines so if I needed time out or to go home or to change my job in the day all staff would believe it to be migrant related. It sounds long winded but it was quite simple and helped xx

I'm on Agomelatine and its causes no problems.

Thanks for your replies, loads of helpful suggestions! Agomelatine isn't one I've heard of, going to google. My job is high stress and responsibility (nhs). Lunch was OK, had safe foods. I'm not sure how reasonable or understanding my boss will be, from hearing comments she has made about others I don't feel positive about sharing with her. Definitely not mentioning the eating. Going to try occupational health too. Thanks for all the support!

Got through my first day! Allowed to do half days this week, back to full time next week and lost 7lbs. All in all not the catastrophe I thought it would be. To for all the advice. Did speak to a manager in the end who was very supportive and understanding.

I was put on mirtazapine and it didn't made me put on weight. There were other people in hospital like twigs on mirtazapine. I think venlafaxine makes me put on weight as I want to eat all the time…but the psych says that it isn''t one of the well known side effects

I lost of weight in hospital and like you started the negative eating behaviours when I started to feel hungry again. I was anorexic, then bulimic in the past. I can appreciate that it is easy to revert to past behaviours in times of stress, and it's scary when the feelings are as strong as when you were a teenager. It's ok to go backwards sometimes, it doesn't mean that you're going to be stuck in it for as long as when you were younger. You've obviously conquered it before- you can again.

I've decided that it's better to be a bit better padded and a lot more functional as a result of AD's than skinny and completely unable to cope

So I got through my first week. It was stressful but doable, but only part time hours 28 instead of 37.5. Can't eat at work which is probably not sustainable as my job is quite high intensity. Full time next week. Stopped taking meds 3 days ago. Probably a mistake. On waiting list for psychotherapy privately as I think it's helpful. No bringing and purging though, so that's good. Heavily restricting. Bad.