I've been back at work 3 weeks on a phased return after being off sick since September. Today I met with HR and the head and it was blatantly obvious I'm not coping. I'm actually carrying out my job fine but my mental health is suffering with the effort of it. The head brought up that they are about to advertise a job similar to one I'm doing but with less responsibility. It's basically my job but without all the most stressful elements taken out, leaving all the bits I really enjoy. She asked if I would prefer that role and I really, really would! I accepted that there would be a pay drop but when I went to see her later to confirm that I would like to change roles she said my pay would stay the same! I'll drop to a lower grade but higher up the scale of that grade so I would bring home the same money. I obviously won't have the same future earning potential but at this stage, I just want to be happy and feel comfortable and in a year or two, I may not even be in the same job anyway. The here and now is far more important.
I spoke to dh and initially, he said he felt sad for me that he felt sad that this illness seems to have stolen something else from me but after I told him how much happier I know I'll be in this role and we'd had a good talk (and if had a good cry) he gave me a big hug and he said, "we'll get there, we just have to realign some things along the way to help you."
I'm sad today because I do feel I've lost my confidence and part of 'me' but I don't see this as a back-step, I see it as a positive way forward to quietly building myself back up as I know in my new role I can actually make a difference but without a lot of the stress and pressure. I actually feel very lucky that work have been incredibly supportive all the way through.
Even after the head had mentioned the other role she said, "I'm not an expert in mental health but please tell us, is there anything we can do to help you?" And when I went back to see her she said something along the lines of "you'll get there, we'll help you through and you'll be ok."
Sometimes, just basic human kindness means such a lot.