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Mental health

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Original poster

I feel like i am losing my mind.. please help me

24 replies

tommysmama · 26/12/2006 17:42

I feel like i am going insane. I cant cope with the thoughts of the future with my baby, i feel it is too much for me and my brain will explode. when i think about things i feel out of control and it takes over my mind to the point that i faint or pass out.
I had an abortion 8 months ago and i cant think about it as when i do i pass out as the thoughts of what i did are too much.
I do love my baby although i never used to, i did not love him when he was born. when he was 11 months i left my partner, and i would have given him our baby but my mother made me keep him.
I feel like i cant cope with the thoughts in my head and that i am going insane. I feel i either need to be in hopsital or die.

OP posts:

QuootiepieTheChristmasAss · 26/12/2006 17:44

Oh, dear.... go to GP - I had an abortion, and 2 years on have been diagnosed with PTSD... try this website ...

2 secs, ill post a link....

QuootiepieTheChristmasAss · 26/12/2006 17:45

is that whats on your mind the most?

pianist · 26/12/2006 17:46

There are lots of mums out there who didn't love their babies when they were born. My oldest is 10 now and I still find it all a struggle! You have to take each day as it comes - it WILL get easier. Have you got any friends with children nearby? I'm sure lots of people would relate to what you're going through.

Are the feelings of depression constant, or could they be hormone-related? Don't be afraid to go to the doctor if it's getting too much - that's what they're there for.

QuootiepieTheChristmasAss · 26/12/2006 17:47

google is being very slow, but its www.careconfidential.com ~ they gave me numbers to local places for specialised counselling...

QuootiepieTheChristmasAss · 26/12/2006 17:47

Are you feeling really bad, right now hun?

Original poster

tommysmama · 26/12/2006 17:50

i dont know, i felt like this before the abortion but now its worse. i went to the GP but he told me i was fine and that i was probably just stressed, but i know i am not stressed as everything else in my life is fine except my baby.
i just feel like i cant bring him up, im not good enough.
i work in a nightclub and i love it, i go out 3 or 4 times a week and drink a lot and take drugs. I know this is irresponsible but i enjoy it, and i did it before i was preganant for years.
I dont want to go to GP as he will give me AD's that means i cant drink or take drugs.
I really feel like the worst mother in the world.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 26/12/2006 17:55

If you go back to the GPs, you could ask for counselling rather than medication. It's not impossible to drink on ADs these days - I honestly don't know the position on drugs and ADs, but drink and drugs are just going to feed your negative feelings - drink and drugs can be massive depressants, so even if you feel better whilst taking them, the comedown effect the next day can make you feel worse than you did before.

QuootiepieTheChristmasAss · 26/12/2006 17:55

Does your GP know you drink and take drugs?

Original poster

tommysmama · 26/12/2006 17:57

I got an appointment for counselling but i could not go, i really have a hard time saying these things out loud. when i do i feel like i nwill pass out so i have to stop talking.
I feel like i am seriously insane!
My GP knows that i drink a lot but not about the drugs. It's all social though, i only do it when i am in a social setting not on my own. and i dont do it when i have to get up in the morning with the baby.

OP posts:

QuootiepieTheChristmasAss · 26/12/2006 18:01

Firstly, you have to be 100% upfront and honest with your GP. I haven't, which is why im at the stage in my life where I too was willing to go into hospital just to stay alive really! I was always leaving bits out, so he didn't get the full picture and I was on the wrong medication etc. It took an overdose to get to the root of it all. You have to find out whther its circumstances/past making you feel like this, or purely just a chemical imbalance, which will need ADs... you need to make a GP appointment, and be 100% honest with him. Write it down maybe and pass him the letter?

Original poster

tommysmama · 26/12/2006 18:12

I could try that, thank you. I really find it so hard its taken me this long to even come on the net and type. I hate my GP so i am going to request another one. And writing it down is probably the best way. I am scared that people will think i cant cope as all my friends always say they think i am great and can cope so well.. its just not true! i have no friends with children so its hard to find someone who can understand. thank you all.

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 26/12/2006 18:12

If you can't bear to say it all out loud, write it down - all of it. You need to be totally honest otherwise the GP won't realise just how bad things have become.

Take the counselling - grab it with both hands. Again, if you have to write things down initially then do so - just go for the appointments. You need help, and it's madness not to accept any help that you're offered.

QuootiepieTheChristmasAss · 26/12/2006 18:17

it is hard to go to couselling etc., I stopped going, I found it too hard... but, it's alot less hard than bundling into an ambulance because things have got too much. As I said, it's 2 years on now that im finally going to grab all the help I can get... because, it festers away. If you can knock this on the head, sooner, rather than later, you'll really thank yourself hun xXx

QuootiepieTheChristmasAss · 26/12/2006 18:19

Write it down, don't let yourself scribble it out, or rip it up... the stuff written in haste is the best... and put it in an envelopem dont think about it, and hand it to GP if its that hard hun. I have fibbed and fibbed to my GP, and as I said, my life it 1000000 times worse than when I started to feel abit funny. I really do wish you all the best hun, because I really know how hard this is, even to type on here... xxx

Judy1234 · 26/12/2006 18:31

Poor you. If feeling very bad get your ex partner or your mother to have the baby for a few hours.

May be stopping the drink and drugs might help for a start. Sometimes taking more exercise helps your mood too and eating a healthy diet. Some people just do need drugs plus therapy in combination however.

Original poster

tommysmama · 26/12/2006 18:38

thats really part of the problem - my ex has our son 3 days a week and my mother has him for 2, he goes to a childminder once a week so really i only have him one day a week. and i like it that way. terrible isnt it?
Whenever i am with him i m trying to get someone to come and look after him so i can get on with my own life. I feel like he's not a part ofmy life. When he cries in the night i dont getup, i wait for my mum or dad to get up (me and baby live with my parents).

i feel like if i tell the doc this they'll take my son away.

OP posts:

Heathcliffscathy · 26/12/2006 18:43

quootie, CAREconfidential and all it's affiliates are a Christian, anti-abortion charity see here

they are anti gay marriage, abortion and euthanasia.

They may be very useful to you, depending on your stance, but I don't think they make their agenda or funding clear enough on their website.

I will start another thread about this, but thought I ought to post. I hope that whatever counselling you receive is really helpful....however there are many other organisations that can provide you with properly unbiased counselling for PTSD. Please CAT me if you want some recommendations.

WigWamBam · 26/12/2006 18:55

Tommysmama, are you this way with your son because you don't want to spend more time with him, or because you're afraid of spending more time with him? I'm wondering whether part of the problem is that you don't have much confidence in your parenting and so it's easier to only have him for the one day a week, and to let other people get up for him rather than go yourself.

mummytosteven · 26/12/2006 19:03

tommy - given that you are living with your parents, and they are offering a lot of your son's day to day care, I really don't think you need to worry about him being taken away. I think you should discuss this issue with your GP - with a view to getting support in looking after/bonding with your baby, which would hopefully be available via HV/local surestart etc. just simple things like going to baby massage classes/swimming classes can help you gain confidence with your child.

QuootiepieTheChristmasAss · 26/12/2006 19:44

I had no idea about that sophable... They say they are unbiased? Well, I guess they would...

Heathcliffscathy · 26/12/2006 23:45

quootie, I"m not having a go at you AT ALL.

It is them I'm a bit dischuffed with.

If the counselling your receive from them is good, that is great.

Original poster

tommysmama · 27/12/2006 00:54

i should do more activities with him, i want to but i dont know what and i am scared. i am in my mid 20's, and i dress very un-mumsy, and feel that people look at me a lot, judging me..

I find it hard to talk to other mothers as i dont really have much to talk about, as i dont remember a lot from his life as i dont spend all my time with him. i feel like people will think i am a bad mother, when folk ask me, how old was he when he did such-and=such, i dont know and i feel terrible.

i'm not afraid of spending time with him, its just that i dont find it very interesting..

OP posts:

AtterySquash · 27/12/2006 01:06

TM, I think lots of people don't/didn't find their young babies very interesting, tbh (myself included); for some people it's only when their baby starts to crawl/walk/talk etc (ie start to really show a personality)that they want to be with them.

I don't think the way you feel is either terrible or unnatural. But I agree with all the other MNers here who have sugested you have a frank chat with your GP (or write to them), and that you do get counselling. Undoubtedly it will be really hard, but in my experience if it's good it will help, possibly combined with other therapies such as ADs.

The baby massage classes etc are also a really good way of getting to know your son and spending some enjoyable time with them.

I'm very sorry you are feeling like this and hope things take a tunr for the better very soon.

mummytosteven · 27/12/2006 19:05

well the simple answer about worrying about being asked about milestones etc, is to start doing a baby record book with your parents, and write the answers down, that will help you remember them, and might help you feel a bit more enthusiastic as well to see how your baby is developing.

many of us feel a bit isolated/at a loss joining in with other mums - bear in mind that beyond the confident facade many are like swans - appear fine on top, paddling frantically underneath! the sort of activities I was recommending should be reasonably low stress in that they are structured, so you don't need to worry aobut making much conversation, and there is a ready made focus for people's attention.

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