Drowning again

[StormTrooperPooper]

Have posted here a couple of times other different names.
Around October last year I had a bit of a breakdown, confessed to parents and doctoe that I have been unhappy for as long as I can remember... I think this started around my mid-teens and I'm now 27. Have thought about various suicide, I have cut my arms and legs in the past, drank alot.
Put on ADs and referred to mental health team, mood up and down but seemed to be improving for a bit.
The past couple of weeks I have been back at rock bottom again, considering running away, suicide, not washing myself for days, not doing anything round the house and struggling to find the motivation to interact with my seven year old son, though I am managing to take care of him because he doesnt deserve to suffer just because im messed up. I want to cut myself again but have held back because I dont want the man I am sleeping with to see fresh scars on my legs. He knows I take ADs but we have never talked in depth about anything.

Im juat so unhappy, I cant see how there will ever be an end point to this. Im studying for a degree and although its what I want to do I just cant see the point in seeing it through and continuing to feel like this forever.

Oh Storm that's sounds awful... I don't really know what to say. Have you actually seen the mental health team yet?

I saw a very good psychotherapist about 10 years ago, my health visitor referred me and I was lucky to get it very heavily discounted as was on a low income.

She was amazing and really made me look at life differently, permanently.

I think psychotherapy can be very useful in situations like this, were stuff stems from way back in your past,

Could you push for this from your GP?

I think you really need to see your doctor again, and one you like and trust as they can vary a lot!

I've seen the mental health team for an initial appointment and they said I should hear back from them in January but I havent had anything. I have an appointment with my doctor today and she has been supportive so far but I dont feel like Im getting anywhere. Im a logical person and I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of my health and the "fixing" process, Im not expecting to be magically cured overnight but I feel like its one step forward and two back.

The person I saw from the mental health team was mainly asking questions about my background and my lifestyle and different things I have been through. I dont feel like I got everything out and after I left there was so many things I felt I had wanted to say but didnt. Theres only so much I can say to a doctor in a ten minute appointment then its weeks before I see anyone again. My mum panics that im going to hurt myself and I cant open up to her because she just tries to analyse how im feeling and find reasons and explanations that i cant give her. She gets upset and i feel guilty and under pressure to be normal.

Im so sick of this, its just exhausting having to hold my life together when i want everything to just disappear.

You need to call the mental health team asap, like now. Explain the situation.

You also need to ask your doctor about psychotherapy, I think it could really help you long term.

Also, your university will likely have a counsellor on site, could this be quicker than waiting for a referral?

I don't think they have one on site, certainly my lecturers know about my issues and have never pointed me in that direction. I have been told I can contact occupational health if I want to seek support there (student nurse).

Mental health assessment said that id be best suited to speak to the primary care team... Not even sure what that means

I really think you need to speak to the mental health team asap.

Have you tried calling the Samaritans? I really think you should call them tonight, they will know what to say and how to get you help. There number is 116 123, please call them.

Let me know how it goes

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you

Thanks for the link PooDog, have spoken to the samaritans before but maybe I should get in touch again. I usually email because its easier to write things down.

Doctor says the mental health team are having lots of staffing changes and this will have delayed my referral, no further forward on when I'll be able to speak to someone.

Just back from dinner at my mums, managed to get it together enough to cook for everyone but my sister was vile to me the whole time so I've left now. Can't be fucked being awake but can't sleep either. Would usually go for a drive but dont think thats very safe in this storm. DS is at my mums and I didnt even speak to him before I left