If you like yourself... how?

[CauliflowerBalti]

God knows if this is the right place.

I really dislike myself. I can't begin to imagine why anyone would want to spend any time with me. I am naturally very opinionated but of late have become fearful of expressing my views, because what do I know? I am overweight at the moment - size 16 - but when I was a 12 I hated my body too. I am unfit too, but when I was running 3 times a week and doing yoga every day I hated myself too.

My partner is wonderful, openly loving and complimentary. I have no idea why he loves me. I see myself as completely neutral, boring, bland, porridge. People tell me I am very pretty but I can't see it. I look at myself in the mirror and it's not like I think I'm ugly. I just think - meh.

Basically, I hate myself. A lot. Outwardly, I appear to be very confident and I function. It's not like I'm crippled, huddled up in a ball. But it does affect me. I know my dp thinks I'm mad. How do you learn to love yourself?

I think of something I am passionate about, good at, and relate it to that. Nobody else can do that one thing like me, even if i'm not 'the best' at it, I'm my variation of it.
A lot of what you say is about appearance and the comment on being opinionated makes me think your self esteem has taken a knock somewhere. If so, can that knock be addressed? Or do you see it more as a generalised, slow downturn?

I think that in our society too much emphasis is put on physical appearance wrt self esteem. Whilst it can improve or diminish confidence, what is more important is who you are and how you live your life - measured by your own standards of 'good - are you honest and kind for example? We all have an internal barometer/gut instinct telling us how to be, whether that is how we treat others or the choices we make for ourselves. Ignore it (by, for example, always people pleasing to your detriment) and our self esteem is damaged.

Creativity/passion for something, as Bugplaster says, is also very useful for strengthening self esteem. It's not so much a matter of being good at something but feeling alive and really 'you' whilst doing it . Do you have something like that?

Also something that strikes me about your post...being very opinionated. Does that mean very judgemental? Because judgemental people tend to judge themselves even more harshly that they do others, and this also erodes self esteem - catching yourself and being kinder (to you and others) is a good start to changing this.

Thank you so much for your replies.

I am very judgemental of things like government policy/social injustice, but completely non-judgemental when it comes to people. Couldn't care less if anyone drops their kids off to school in PJs, eg. I don't value external appearance in others. Just me.

It isn't just appearance though. I could deal with feeling meh about the outside if I thought the inside had any value. I feel... Like I exist to work, clean, raise my boy, that these things absolutely define me and they are dull as shit. I know there are answers to this. I am a fairly creative person and my partner bought me a camera for Christmas - a posh one - but every time we take it out he takes it off me and twats around with it so now I don't want to bring it with me because watching someone else do what I want to do isn't fun, and he knows what all the buttons do. Sigh.

There are things that I enjoy doing very much that I'm not very good at, but I've lost the confidence to do them.

There have been a fair few knocks to self-esteem. My husband left me for another woman, my Dad died, I entered into a truly toxic relationship with a narcissistic/sociopathic, extremely handsome man, who I never felt good enough for, my best friend has stopped speaking to me because I am too left wing and we disagree on too many things. I am happy for the differences to stand, but she isn't. That has made me really sad. That is the icing on the cake. If your husband, boyfriend and best friend ALL leave you - you can't really be up to much. One of them could be wrong. All three...?

I think this is it. That objectively speaking, the three people who should love me most (4 actually - pull up a chair and let me tell you about my Mummy issues) all rejected me. What kind of human does that make me? I can't make it not be my fault in my head. It must be my fault. I am the common denominator in these failed relationships.

This is the problem. I feel lost. I don't know what to change.

And if you ask people, they think you're crazy. But you're lovely! There's nothing that needs to change! Ignore them!

Hmmm.

Do you like doing things on your own, or do you prefer mostly to have company?

Either really. The hobby I'm passionate about - which I daren't post as it's identifying - is solitary. I am happy in my own company. I don't get much free time on my own though. Until recently I was a single parent with no family or friends close by to help. I now live with my partner. When he is spending time with my son I tend to use the time to work or iron or othe such shit.

I think there is a truth in what my dad used to say - bored people are boring people. Maybe I'd feel I have more to contribute if I did more stuff for me.

Doing stuff for you is important anyway, not just to have something to talk about.
Yes, all three (or four) can be wrong. They jumped ship, didn't have to strength of character - in your friend's case for example- to have the courage of their convictions but let the friendship evolve around that.
I know time to yourself is hard but remember that when your self esteem is low you will keep putting other things first because you don't think you deserve the break/headspace/priority. When you give yourself what you need, it will become more natural.