Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[QuickQuickNo]

Feel like my mental health is declining. My options are to die, or have my children removed by social services, or be kicked out the house. Feel like I'm constant,y waiting for a bomb to explode. SS are not involved, but if I admit how I'm feeling they will be. It was ok when I was ill this time last year as I had a young baby so could blame it on the hormones, but now I'm just mad. Not mentally ill, just not sane. My kids deserve better, my husband deserves better. It will be a relief to the few remaining friends I have to finally be free if me.

I'm a shit for posting this I know because people will think they have to talk me out of it, and that is not what I am after. Just needed to get my head thoughts out as my brain is swirling. I get so giddy and excited and whatever in the day and at night, then when I wake up I feel so low. I'm diagnosed with bipolar I (mixed) and I don't see how that fits the diagnosis, meaning I'm not bipolar, I don't have an illness, I'm just fundamentally a fucked up example of a human being and should be put down for my own good.

sorry for your situation QuickQuickNo. :(
are you under control of mental health care? are you taking any medications?
have you tried relaxation techniques like yoga, etc? I haven't but I think they are good.
sorry I am not much help.

OP - well done for reaching out on here as a first step. Are you in touch with mental health teams or your GP about how you are feeling?

I had terrible PND with both my children. They still called it PND a year after my second child was born and I ended up being hospitalised with it.

Don't be afraid of Social Services is one key thing. If you are actively seeking help, have support at home in the shape of family and are open with them about what is going on, they aren't going to run in and sweep your children out of the home. I was having active thoughts of harming/killing my children in the run up to my being admitted to hospital - my children were never removed from the home as I was under daily care from the home treatment team and had DH and my parents/in-laws helping out.

I hope you can seek further help in RL, talk to your DH, don't be afraid to reach out.

Sorry you're feeling so bad. I also have bipolar. It's a bloody awful illness. What you describe sounds very much like bipolar rapid cycling or mixed state -not that you're a 'bad' person at all. It's horrible feeling mixedI feel so utterly out of control and never know what's coming next. I understand that feeling that these things are coming from 'you', but that's the illness skewing your perceptions.

Do you have a CPN or similar that you can talk to? IME, these things rarely resolve spontaneously (at least, not quickly). Are you taking meds?

I obvs sont know about SS involvement. I think they don't jump in without a very good reason. I've taken overdoses, been hospitalised a number of times, but nobody has ever suggested SS involvement. If anything, they say how well I'm doing in still trying to protect and shield them.