mental health services don't like me, and it makes me feel worse - anyone else?

[elementofsurprise]

Anyone else had this?

First sought help as obviously affected by volatile home life, aged 19. Got labelled an attention seeker/waste of time. I'm now 30 and have had various attempts at getting help, now I'm very traumatised... complex trauma, due to abusive relationships, trusting people who hurt me, homelessness and job lossess (due to breaking down). Currently on disability benefits yet still not entitled to NHS help, except some vague behavioural training type stuff that's not what I need.

They didn't even put me on a proper DBT course/do this therapy properly, just had someone vaguley saying we should look at DBT skills together. So I expressed some concern and asked what skills in particular, as it seems to be very focussed on reducing self injury etc, which I don't do. It also all seems to be about "learning to behave" in a certain way which isn't my problem - my problem is I feel so low and awful I can't cope, not I don't know how to behave. They just do not seem to get it at all, they assume I must go round sabotaging my life, rather than constantly trying to stick a smile on and cope when the pain inside and memories and weight of the world crushes me. No matter how I try to be patient with them and explain when they seem to miss the point, they just seem cross with me. There is no kindness or empathy from any of them. They don't even speak to me in a basic respectful manner, and act like me needing help is an irritant.

I have read up a lot over the years about stuff, and am pretty certain of my MH issues/where they stem from/what help I need, but they treat me like an attention seeking idiot. Of course they have said I have BPD from the start, but this seems to be based on the perception of me as "attention seeking" rather than any actual traits iyswim. This makes no sense either - it's a circular definition, really. Asking for help, struggling in any way = attention seeking. And attention seeking = BPD. And BPD = if someone's asking for help, it must be attention seeking.

So I'm stuck whereby I can't fight for the help I need because the very act of doing so "proves" to them I'm attention seeking and don't need help, or need DBT behavioural type training (I know DBT has more to it that this, but the watered down NHS version doesn't). Occasionally, like this weekend, someone else finds out cos it gets so bad, and it ends up with police forcing into my flat, which is a huge trigger for me and sets off PTSD type response, and retraumatises all over again. They then get me assessed and dump me, often quite sneering and nasty about it too. (Although some of the police have been lovely and expressed frustration with the system, and more heartfelt concern than any psych nurse I've encountered). So my main thing is just to stay off the radar, I try to survive but them doing that (police, forced assessment etc) brings me so close to suicide, as well as causing almost constant traumatic nightmares and anxiety attacks for a while afterwards.

Oh, and it is virtually impossible to speak to anyone irl about this, as people just don't believe what the system has done to me (and others). They would refer to believe I was making it up, or tell me I obviously don't really want help etc. It cuts to the core, that last one. People seem to have an amazing capacity for turning away, pretending the world isn't really like that.

I'd give anything to be loved, to have someone just empathise when it hurt, let me have a hug when the memories get bad, treat me like I'm worth something. The NHS won't do that - yet so many people think it does, odd.

I know theres probably a lot of posters here who would be ever so kind and mean well, saying try someone else, or go to your GP or something - please take in what I have written above. I have tried again and again to get help. I have seen the system and spoken to others and know how dreadful it can be, I am hoping someone out there understands. That's why I'm writing this, for solidarity, to know Im not alone and the worthless waste of space they treat me as.

It's difficult for us to give you an objective opinion, because obviously we don't know the exact details of what has been happening. But I do believe you that you can get labelled negatively by support services and that you can be pre-judged. Which does feel soul destroying when you are already down. I get that.

Also, I have been suffering from severe depression in recent weeks. I recognise all of the feelings you have about worthlessness. So it isn't a failing on your part. Because I am having the same thoughts troubling me, and I know that I haven't requested or invited them upon myself. It's a symptom of my depression, just like it is of yours.

I hope it makes you feel less alone to know that others are feeling the same as you. And I hope my opinion that you aren't to blame makes a little difference to you.

How about medication? Are you taking anything for your feelings?

Hey, I read your story and I realise I am a little late in replying now.
I am saddened by your story, and in some ways I can really relate a little.. hear me out if you would! I haven't had a particularly traumatic childhood, I have grown up in a dysfunctional family of 6 and often feel misinterpreted by certain healthcare professionals. It often feels like mental health workers (some not all), despite trying to help, are very unaware of their own behaviour and tone of voice, body language and the effect this has on their patients/service users. I have felt worse many times after calling for help, I respect that maybe they were trying to help, maybe they were confused by me, but wow I did not feel listened to or heard or BELIEVED at all. I was diagnosed by a member of the crisis team, I question.. was it even their place to share implied diagnosis.. they said " have you heard of EUPD" and I was like.. "yeah, and I know the connotations and controversial opinions of the disorder too" they then got a little defensive (understandably, I genuinely wasn't aiming my sarcasm at them). In my head I was like "dude, you've read my notes and come to this conclusion in like.. 2 minutes.. I'm pretty sure that's an impulsive emotional decision of you to my behaviour on the phone rather than an official diagnosis". So a bit of context.. I am in my first year of nursing school and due to previous semi-traumatic experiences on wards as a HCA/other experiences I have developed a huge fear of going into placement and being in the hospital setting when my mental health is deteriorating. SO, I get a follow up appointment from a mental health nurse (gateway worker) on the phone who tells me a little bit about DBT and Emotions and stuff, and bearing in mind I have had no-one solidly tell me "if we were to diagnose you it would be EUPD" blah blah, so I'm thinking "huh this is interesting, I've seen multiple GPs over time, I am on anti depressants for anxiety/reccurent depression, and now you are telling me about coping strategies for a different condition, and furthermore, you are telling me how anti-depressants can even make that condition worse". I am utterly confused, I am amazed by the dishonesty and lack of empathy, and to be honest under the stress and emotional turmoil of these professionals I can empathise with that, but what I don't empathise with is the lack of communication between these professionals, the lack of organisation, the lack of trying to understand me as an individual rather than as my notes. Also, I wanted to try and open up to this gateway worker, I really hoped for that, but to be honest I didn't really get a chance to tell my story. He started with "I've read your notes, I've got a pretty good idea of your history.". Which is like yeah okay fair enough, but please let me have a say too, when I mentioned about my fears going into placement it got.. well.. he basically was like "yeah it is scary, it is hard. When I first did I my first placement I had to travel this really long way across London, in the morning.." etc etc with more details of the placement he was on. And I was feeling like "yeah, what a disgrace I am, he did that, he managed, why can't I, he must think I'm so weak and disgraceful, he didn't miss placement by the sounds of it". So I was like.. are you trying to make me feel better,, because YOU DO NOT KNOW MY WHOLE STORY. He had no idea about how I was in a sexually vulnerable situation with a colleague, how I had sex with the same colleague and had an abortion in another country. He didn't know, because he hadn't bothered to ask, or to listen, properly listen. I am not blaming the individual, and I know I have been INCREDIBLY fortunate to recieve the phone call at all, any appointments at all; but in all honesty, I often wished I had never seeked help from the NHS, I often wish I hadn't been so naive. I had moved to the netherlands in 2019, and after speaking to a pyschiatrist there, I felt listened and validated for one of the first few times in my life. I was a little in disbelief, disbelief because he believed me, he cared. I'm not saying all NHS professionals don't care, I just think the training and fundamentals of the NHS system are dramatically flawed, and that more needs to be done, really done, to help the service, for everyone involved.

I know I've gone a bit off tangent onto my own experience, I just wanted to share with you the loneliness that I have felt, I would give you a big hug. I hope you find something that works for you, I hope you feel and get better, and may god or some spiritual force bless you with the individuals and self empowerment to make a recovery possible. Love L

X

I say a lot of stuff to a lot of individuals, but if someone took the time to understand me a little deeper, maybe they would be able to help me, because I refuse to longer deny, I really, really need some understanding, some validation, some help.